shit hits the fan

 Life felt like it was really getting out of balance. I could tell Creighton was stressed and i tried the skills of of, " in this season, this is whats true- it needed its hard and it sucks. I tried getting a sense that Creighton unsterstood whats going on and if he understood what certain actions werent okay. 

In his mind, he forgets and "moves on" because he's "over it". and just "waits" for me to get "over it". Thats the problem. Because for me, its not that simple. it could be except that he's over it until he gets defensive or hurt and shuts down again. The same hurtful responses, and the same negative narratives play out in his mind, and I then feel the heaviness of it all and overwhelmed with hurt sadness and grief and eventually with his emotion, want to die. or aleast dissapear because its too hard. 

THIS is what I cannot push under the rug. this pattern. Its not just, oh I made a mistake and  I say, I still love you and its okay. Especially when something was not okay. For me in my house, I need him to be able to take full accountability and see and hear a heartfelt apology (I messed up, and I'm going to be an adult about this...) without me having to "say" something. I need him to take the lead in that for me to feel like this can get better. Him doing that would show me that he cares about us as a couple, and me as his wife because I believe someone who really honors his wife would do that. 

I see that what Im asking is not easy. What I;m asking is that we start addressing the hard truths and be adults who take full accountability and have awareness. 

That one one person has emotions- we can take a step back and come back and show up in hard convsersations again respecfully. 

He almost mocked the fact that I listen to Dr. John in his hurt and that also I feel is disrespectful. At least I try to improve communication and it challenges his way of dealing with it which feels like avoidance. 

The path forward for me to feel emotionally safe and like I can come home and just breathe in the same home as him:

-Even if he feels like he's over it, take time to show me he's taking full accountability- Share how he messed up and a heartfelt apology- showing awareness and that he's learning from it. 

"I know we both felt hurt, and I can see where I messed up. I love you and respect you and realized I treated you with disrespect, or spoke in a tone that wasnt kind.. I was experiencing ... and fell back into a narrative of thinking that was immature. This is what I've learned from this and how i will try to do better." 

I know it will take us both time to adjust to a new pattern and it won't go right everytime, but I am committed to showing up when its hard and hold your hand through the hard moments as we practice this. 

ON the flip side of this, I know that I also struggle with the response of flight or freeze when he shares his feelings. Often, his feelings feel so damn harsh- that they come out like a tidal wave and directly onto me. They come out as beliefs of I am the person who made him feel this way. THey are so heavy I don't know what to do with them. I don't have to skills needed. 

Mom's accident

 Last night, my mom and my dad went out for a walk. This is a normal part of their routine. At 11:22 pm, they were crossing the street 1020 s 1420 e, and a car was turned left and cut the corner the turn going into the wrong lane, hitting my mom. It was nearly head on My dad barely got out of the way and my mom just fell to the ground. The kid parked and called 911. My dad walked home and got a ride over to the hospital. 

My dad texted about what happened on the group text thread this morning about 9:20 am. It honestly didn't sink in at first. I thought car accident, it sounds bad but she'll be okay. We were told, "Terese was hit by a car last night pretty bad- head trauma- she is in the ICU at Utah Valley Hospital in Provo now. If anyone wants to visit ages 12, and up, they can. She is improving, but will need surgery on the left side of her head and face quite soon."

We left this morning and got ready right away. Seeing my mom like this is difficult. She had a gash on her forehead that is stitched up, but slowly bleeding. There was dried blood. on her face and matted into her hair, coming out of her ears. Her head was very swollen on both side and the bones in the left side of her cheek and below are shattered. Her jaw is also broken, and I'm guessing shattered? with some broken teeth and my dad said he saw a fracture on her cranium. She has a brain bleed. There is a lot of pressure on her eyes from the swelling and inflammation, and I'm hoping that she doesn't lose her eye sight. She has a bit of brusing on her leg, butHer legs and arms look fine. She is on a ventilator and has tubed going into her mouth and into her nose. THere was blood stained on her teeth. and dried blood on the ourside of her nose and 2 very black swollen eyes. 

Her skin was cold and its hard seeing my mom in this state, non-responsive and sedated. I love her so much. Creighton i need to add was soo supportive. He was loving, present, and said we needed to get an atorney. Ive spent a lot of time talking to attorneys today and I feel confused on who to choose. I held her hand, and my heart broke watching her in this state. We are so limited in what we can do because something like this takes time. And we don't know the long term affects this will have on her- and she will continue to need extra therapies to be able to function again. I and wept a lot today and I feel numb and helpless like I did with Krys. Bonnie did a great job with talking to my mom and reasuring her. My dad has replayed in his mind why he wasnt holding her hand, what he could have done, yet he also shows up strong and emotionless. Not exactly emotionless, but expresses very little emotion. I pray that my mom will recover and that we can get my parents the compensation they need and that the medica expenses are all paid for. 

I don't feel like I have all the words to really express this. how do you process something this big? Some moments I get really weepy and other moments I am strong. I guess thats how my dad is. My message to mom: we love you. We are praying for you. So many people love you. Your only job is to rest. thats it. We got you and we'll help carry you through this challenge. 

12/5/25

I’m sitting here in the hospital room, grieving the loss of who my mom used to be. She has made tremendous progress in the last 13 days. She’s sitting on her own. Her right eye opens and remains open for. Longer period of time. Her left eye is just starting to open. And I assume will get better. She’s making eye contact and turning different directions. 

How she looks and acts is so different, understandably. When I see her, I see someone disabled and we talk to her like she’s a toddler learning how to do the most basic things. She doesn’t feel like “my mom” anymore. I miss her. I miss her eagerness and welcoming demeanor. How she was always talking about the grandkids. 

I just miss my mom and I don’t know  if she’ll come back. 

Dec 7th:

Saturday The PT helped her move the right foot with the left foot. She shuffled her right foot and took 3 side shuffles. Then the followed the PT commands. He said was a night a day difference with following commands and cues from the day before on Friday. That's then she shuffled her feet on her own. Tami pushed her foot. then then she would shuffle her other foot. 

Tami showed her the speech papers. and she pointed to A, C, and F when showing 4 different letters. Mo hugged the PT on Sat and patted his back. Kevin said, by love you mom.- shrugged. Reese said "bye grandma- I love you Reese"

Sunday:

Yesterday, she moved one foot and Tami manually cued her to use the other foot. Sunday with speech, the speech therapist. she started counting 1-5 with no problems. Identified all the letters. When leaving, Mo hugged the PT on Sat and patted his back. Kevin said, by love you mom.- shrugged and looked away. Reese said "bye grandma- I love you Reese"

Monday: 

Mom did awesome with the PT today. She took 70 steps and was exhausted. But she moved her legs on her own. Bonnie took a call on the phone and asked mom if she wanted to talk. She grabbed the phone and started talking. It was so funny.  

12/10/25

There are so many hard things that happen in this world and around us, that sometimes it blows my mind how many people have donated, have been praying, and really care about my mom and our family! So much has happened that it feels blurred over. We are so grateful for all the love pouring our direction and the many miracles that have happened! I am going to attempt the summary of this journey with my mom. I believe all the love and prayers coming our direction are a direct result of my mom's quiet goodness and kindness towards others. 

11/22 When it first happened, it was a shock. It was very difficult to see my mom swollen with black eyes, and not okay. It felt heartbreaking! The first week of recovery- she was quite swollen. She looked better after being cleaned from the incident but did noy look like herself in any form. Swelling was in her whole body. She wasnt really conscious. Her black eyes with wide and painful looking in both eyes. 

11/24

She had surgery and the doctor put 10-12 metal plated in her head! She was pail and swollen everywhere. My heart broke- this isn't my mom. We sat in her room hour after hour advocating for her. Slowly the bruising started to go down from back and purple to red, to her natural skin tone. The right eye went down faster than the left, where she had stitched in her forhead. Nearly 1 1/2 weeks after the incident, she started to wake up a bit. She started doing thumbs up or thumbs down to answer yes or no questions.

"Are you in pain"

DO you want to switch positions?"

"DO you remember..."

She also started doing head nodds and lifting her hands exasperated.  A short time, she favored leaning her left leg to the right side, then the right leg to the left side. She could awake very long- because she was so exhausted from healing and her body detoxing injured cells. A lot of nodding back to sleep. She had a ventilator up until today (12/10/25). She weaned on the medication in the ventilator a couple times and went back on the medication with it when her oxygen levels were too low. 

It amazing how she decreased her meds so fast as we were advocating for her, knowing she didn't take any meds in general. So she was extra tired with the Oxycodone. She went from several medications to none except the blood thinner and maybe a digestive one for bowel movements. She went from fentanyl to Tylenol with fentanyl, to just Tylenol to no Tylenol.  She started trying to sit up. 

She has to relearn everything. The PT and the to started coming to see her on November 26th, right before thanksgiving. 4 days after her accident. To get her sitting up again, to help move the lymph. She could not stand, only with full on help. Brandon has been awesome working with my mom- encouraging her to sit up, put a cup to her mouth, wash her own face, etc. Then they worked on taking steps. First it was just standing, to3 side steps, and sitting up on her own. Lifting her leg and opposit arm, touching her shoulder. SHe was still so tired I think at this point. My mom was able to respond but still seemed far away. She went from 6-9 steps 3 days ago, to 75 steps, to 175, to 400 going around the whole hallway. 

As she gained awareness, I sensed frustration and discouragement. SHe fel trapped in her body, limited, weak, and discouraged. She did not like the trachiotimy at all. She said it, " I don't like it.. followed by a head nodd when its used up. She tried taking the O2 mask off, causing her to need a full time one on one nurse. SHe also didn't like the iv in her left arm- we've expmlained so many times what hapened. - and she didn't remember. SHe does lots of head shakes- to confirm not liking somthing. And the hands that came up. 

On 

Krystalee- cancer- passing

 I have a college friend who I have kept in touch with. We met almost exactly 20 years ago. I flew out to BYU-Hawaii. I was 20 years old, freshly leaving my sister's house in Chicago. I was staying at home where I didn't know anyone, a few days before the semester strated

Krys was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer metastasized in January after an ER visit. She was 38 years old, has 2 young kids ages 3 and 10 months at the time. This was gut- wrenching for her. This is my words not hers. It’s a shock and pancreatic cancer is one of the worst ones, which I previously didn’t know. When I first found out, I felt awful. I worried about her kids and prayed nearly every day. It really affected me. There was a short time where I had to stop thinking about it and I didn’t know what to say or if I should call or how to say it. So for a few months I didn’t say anything. In the beginning I sent her a bottle of frankincense and some foot zone signals to do. After talking to a chiropractor, she said that my friend would need to focus on the tumor itself first. And in my small amount of research, those diagnosed don’t usually live longer than a year. 

She was also required to stop breastfeeding, I could feel in the moment the heartbreak that would bring her. It broke her. She struggled with nursing Nai’a at the beginning and with zeke it came so easily. And she felt like her heart was being ripped apart- her words. 

Fast forward. I did message her again being honest and checking saying how k didn’t know what to say and her response helped me feel better about it. She had a way of helping me feel better when she responded . And she was the one living with the cancer and the treatments.

My heart ached for Canyon the entire time. I tried to make the best of it. The flight, and getting the rental car was pretty easy. I had massive anxiety days before, questioning if I should even be going. The weather was warm and sunny and I loved that so much. I stopped at the grocery story to pick up groceries and arrived at Krys's house around 4:30 pm. The other sitter was there for a bit longer, as we were coming to relieve her.   

I arrived on a thursday afternoon. I always observe how peoples yards, and houses are set up, organized and what its like living where they are. It was an older house, with a large trailer in the driveway. I was grateful for it to have a private space to decompress. I can feel apprehensive of spending days with Emilie but it was a blessing. We watche Nai'a and Zeke while making dinner because Krys had an appointment. Nai'a loved helping Emilie with the vegetables. Zeke is a sturdy little boy, heavier than canyon. He loves his sister. "Nai'a, Nai'a!" He says "daddy, and mama, and many other words. He is younger than Canyon and it was a comfort taking care of him. When Krys walks, it was a slow thoughtul walk, careful with each step. Im guessing because it took so much energy to walk. Her legs are so thin, that she now wears loose pants, and her coat because she gets so cold. Her wrists because the size of a childs wrist with long fingers because shes lost all her muscle tone. Her cheeks were sunken in and belly large and full of fluid, which contributed to the discomfort with walking. But she was so happy to see us. And I was so grateuful to see her. It was wonderful to sit and have dinner with her and her family and Emilie.  The messy house really didnt matter. She has to take enzymes before eating. It was the conversation, which I also know took a lot of energy. Everything she did took energy she didn't have. She drank  lots of water with electrolytes, which I believe helped her live as long as she did. What was really speical to me was how thoughtful she was in conversation. She asked us questions, and checked on how we experienced something, or encourage us. SHe really cared. We enjoyed time after dinner, which then she just needed sleep. It was these times that she opened up- how she was discouraged, and that she wanted to die in the hospital. I'll never forget the words "I'm not adraid to die.. I just don't want to leave my family.. We had so many plans of what we wanted to do" It was emotional. 

The bed was pretty comfy and the set up was comfy. I was able to do the dolphin for Emilie. 

I had a dream that spurred this need to visit her in October. It didn’t work for my birthday weekend. But I scheduled it for the 4th weekend of October. Emilie Harrel was also in town. We stayed in her trailer in her driveway. We helped babysit the kids a few times and had intimate conversations around dinner times and it was really special. She was also so frail and thin. And so weak. She was down to roughly 90lbs. She could barely walk and had very little facial expression. She still had her long hair, and it was a security thing. She had hair growing on her face, probably effects of the medication. She couldn’t even hold zeke and you could tell he was used to relying on dad. I’m sure this was all really hard on Krys. How could it not be? To not have the strength or the capability of caring for your kids? I’m sure she constantly felt guilty about it. And it wasn’t her fault. She wanted to be there. Even going to church for an hour for nai’as primary program took everything out of her. 

In the days I was at her house, my heart needed my sweet Canyon, and at the same time, it was the greatest blessing he wasnt there in hindsight. I had moments with her fully present because he wasnt there. The blessing of being able to sit by her on her bed and talk, to eat dinner with her, go out to suchi with her, push her in her wheelchair a the Halloween trunk or treat, drive her home after church. These are moments I will always be grateful for! 

It was like she was a shell of herself- but when j talked to her and really listened and had those moments, she was still there. And I told her that. I could see “her”. Man the energy we had in those conversations- it was really honest and intimate- not sexually- but you know that moment is what mattered most. 

Leaving was the hardest- I wanted to go to the pumpkin patch with them .there was no way with my flight time. As much as I would have loved going to the beach one more time, it wasn’t as important as having more moment with her. I planned to go visit in March or so- but I wasn’t sure if she’d make it that long- as much as hoped and prayed, I  had a feeling. Driving to the airport, I wasn't filled with hope. I was filled with sadness and sorrow. It was a depressing feeling. Everything in my travel went well, gratefully. and I was holding back tears just to try to be okay. 

Less than a month after I left, she was was hospitalized again with blood infections and water in lungs. I don’t think her body could have handled more. I don’t understand when her patriarchal blessing she’d be playing with her grandkids with her husband. She. Passed away exactly a week ago and I cried the moment I found outs I wept for her, the life she wouldn’t have with her kids, the life they wouldn’t have with their mom, for Seth, her for family. It’s devastating. I had a therapy appointment shortly before she passed about gratitude that there is help for her and that she wasn’t alone. But I have to use that to be so grateful I didn’t let anxiety stop me from visiting her, that I followed my impressions because that was the last time I saw her. 

I have plan moving Forward. I’m going to make her kids a balancer with photos of her and them. And a book when Seth is ready. If there’s nothing else I can do- they could look at. That book and have some memories with lrys. There is just k much sadness with her passing. She didn’t even make a year and I was hoping for 5 or 10. And for Seth who lost his wife after gaining a new family. 

I have all these thoughts pop up- why didn’t I have the courage to ask harder questions? To ask if she knew would die? What memories she wanted naia to have and zeke? And write them down. I was in denial she would actually die. Each day she make was a miracle. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. 

What keeps me going is knowing she wouldn’t want me to stop living because she couldn’t stay in her body. She’d want me to find joy and she want me to love her kids. So that’s what I’ll do. 

Letter to my younger self

 Dear 23 and 24 yo Suzie, 

I know you are confused. And I know you want to do the right thing and that you feel really conflicted. I know you are trying your best. I want you to know the feelings you are having are perfectly normal, especially with what you at experiencing. What you are experiencing in marriage was toxic and unhealthy. That’s why you feel this way. You didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. You didn’t know who to turn to. It’s a big step for me to forgive you for that because I was you. And courage is something you have but you don’t see it because you are feeling stuck and have a lot of fear. I want to for you, my younger self. It’s not really your fault because no one talked to you about this, not directly the way you needed. 

To be honest, the older version of you still feels the hopelessness you felt,  but less often and you will still accomplish great things on your life. And god will provide you with the people you need at the right time. He will send angels to you in challenging times when you feel so broken that you can’t bear it. You will have 5 amazing children by the time you are 40 and they are worth all the struggle you have felt. You will learn many lessons that will bless the lives of other people because of the affliction you suffered. Because while you felt and feel conflicted in a toxic cycle, you also rise up and do what needs to be done and overcome  one trial at a time. 

I often feel like I failed you, and I’m sorry. You had such high hopes and dreams for how you wanted your life to be. I still feel the sting of regret, and I also am aware of how great God has been to me. Also know this, though they are unknown m, there would have been great challenges had you taken a different path in life. 15 lears later, you are still on the greatest path leading to our savior Jesus Christ. Angels have surrounded and will continue to do so you in the most heart-wrenching moments. 

The world has had some crazy things happen. And you will expand into a leader that others look up to, not because of your future accomplishments, but because of who you are. You will have amazing a healthy births that will shape you and how you Nivea yourself, your body, and what’s possible. You have the ability to be so in tune with your body that people look up to you, and they see more in you than your body. Pay no mind to those who doubt you, set those judgements aside. The ones who don’t see you are not the people for you. The ones who uplift you are the ones that fill you with peace and confidence. Though we thought we failed ourselves, you were on the path the whole time. And you are never alone 

LEssons Learned

 On Sunday, I was so hurt and so angry with Creighton. We both felt hurt and broken. He tried talking it out and sorting it out with me in the morning. I wasnt in a good place. I recognize looking back, that I did what he has done to me in the past. Gaslit me, and I did that to him after church on Sunday. I took his efforts and caused him to feel worthless and all the effort he did do as completely worthless. While I do beleive he was in a teenage state of pity, and shut down mode, I kicked him to the curb when he was down and hurting. I'm sorry. That one was on me. Yes I was hurting, but that doesnt make how I talked to him at his lowest right. I liked the Creighton who had drive better. Because he was showing up. Yes, I need to be able to bring up fears and concerns, and I also need to recognize what he is doing. And praise it. I regret tearing him down like I did. In the grand scheme of things and at the end of my life, would I regret not supporting him? Would I wish I didn't make such a big deal out of it? Proabably. 

Here is the wisdom I've gained. Build him up, and schedule a time to talk about the hard, but even in the hard, praise him for what he is doing. I can be angry and hurt and recognise and state how he is doing a good job. I was focused on the past and I nee to process it enough to let him know the future isn't the past. I'm grateful for this lesson because I don't want to do what I did again. 

A good month to a bad day

 Its interesting. The last month I feel like has gone better. I've felt more connection, and more kindness, but also more motivation from creighton. The big thing and a couple small things are his obsession with motorcycles. He wants a motorcycle so badly and I think its all he thinks about. It irritates me. BUt more than that, it causes me high discomfort because I feel unsafe financially. I also have resentment because I supported Creighton $2800 for his first dirt bike, $7000 for his motorcycle, $1600 for his trials bike and the 3 trucks he bought. I just wish he already had those things so he would stop pining over them. 

What's worse for me is especially in the past he would take my encouragement to use funds better as breaking him down and taking away his hopes and dreams, like I'm a dream stealer. That's what hurts the most. That when I express it, it causes him to think that him spending money is "bad" and selfish. And my fear is based on the past, but I know I need to move forward. And me bringing up my fear only brought him to the past too. I feel angry that he shuts down when I need to address this things. I feel angry that days then end up like today, which was a version of hell. 

Now I just feel so much anger and hatred towards Creighton. I hate how he shuts down, and I myself shut down today. When this happens, I want to stop being a mom, stop cleaning, stop doing what i do. I want to give up myself. I wanted to die even. Its days like this I want to leave my marriage. Better to be single than have shitty days like today. Juniper asked if we were breaking up. It's not the first time she's asked. I know she worries about it. My heart is broken... again. 

I was thinking I wanted to try for another baby. but then this happened and I'm changing my mind. If creighton wants to get a motorcycle, and save up for a vacation, and a truck, and a fence, and the living room, it all adds up. And thats another thing. He wants to do the living room. I've always wanted built in shelving. He wants an enterainment center. I feel trauma from a year ago about it. I don't want to be a part of it. 

The foundation of my marriage is broken, and I was telling C that it needs to be mended for me to keep goning forward. Its not the right wording, but our relationship feels so broken! ANd I hate him for it and I feel angry at myself for not recognizing the flags and thinking 15 years ahead  for not making a different decision. I regret marrying creighton. 

Tracking and what brings me joy

 Creighton has been doing better at giving me compliments this week. We didn’t have an issue this last Sunday which I am grateful. I do think having Stacie there helped. But he is genuinely being kinder this week. 

Physically I feel my best when I’m doing aerials. It’s one of the few things that brings me fulfillment. I believe that my body is meant to do those things. And it’s for my best and highest good. 

Overall though, my immune system has not been functioning properly. The last month I’ve been struggling with allergies. One year ago was the first time I felt these allergies. I’m stuffed up half the time and and itchy 75% of the time with me eyes feeling irritated. It’s caused me to feel extra tired. Physically overall, I’m not at my best. 

Mentally and emotionally, I’m in a depressed season. I feel very hopeless in relation to my marriage. Even though he’s being kinder, there’s a part of me just waiting for it to crash again. When we do talk, and he’s trying to talk to me, my immediate responses are repressed as I decide if I should be totally honest. And then I respond with short sentence responses. 

I feel disconnected and down. I need connection so desperately. And he wants me to be intimate. My walls are high. And I don’t know how to let things go. These are some big waters I am wading through. 

My emotional trust right now is about 25%. Repairing is happening very slowly. The stitches bringing us back together right now are very thin. Holding it in is really hard internally because it’s a lot of fear and grief. I just know I’m not okay. Not deep down. 

My faith level is high is some respects. I can’t not have faith because that is my only hope of moving forward, that and being a light to others. Because believing that god supports me and will get me through these dark paths is the one thing that helps me make each step back up. 

I don’t have it in me to do the physical touch he wants and even the words of affirmation. It’s all I can do just to take care of myself and my children and cook and clean. 

Depression 8/10

Functioning with day to day: 6.5/10

Fatigue: 9/10

Hopeless: 8/10 

Joy: 2/10

Physical: 60%

Hormonal: 40%

Nutritional deficiencies: 5% 

Emotional roots; 40%

Estrogen; 3%

Progesterone: 10%

Serotonin: 10%

Dopamine: 80%

Endorphins: 80% 

— shared and absorbed emotions

Emotionally: 40%

Absorbed: 33%

Mine: 33%

Shared: 33% 

Mentally: 3%

Spiritually: 60%

Energetically: 10%

Questions seeking answers

 Okay I need to write this down so I can better understand and ask Stephanie.

Last night, Creighton said his needs were not being met and ha first asked is there was a chance for being intimate. ( we have not been intimidate for a few weeks, and it’s honestly been hard to communicate with him during a lot of the last few weeks. We’ve and I’ve had 2 really hard moments where I’ve spiraled and felt hurt)

While it was more of a plea than a “I’d really love to connect with you”, I just didn’t have it in me. I didn’t. I said, that I needed emotional connection first and we haven’t had that.

Creighton  spools off into… I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and let you go to the temple with Lily and I gave you a hug and … gave me all the things he’s done. (guess what? I did the dishes too today!  I spent 2 hours cleaning the kitchen earlier). I said now I feel pressured. And that’s not how o want to go into it. 

One that really got me was about Lily- that was about her. I as a mom recognized a really important moment in her spiritual life of going to the temple for the first time. I figured out how to get her temple recommend printed. And yes Creighton could have gone if he said it were really important to him. But we decided I should. And it was a good thing to show her how to wear the jumpsuit and use the locker and the process after he could not have done. That’s not a reason to make love with Creighton because “he let me”. And that really turns me off. It feels really off. And I feel frustrated about that. My feeling is that he would do better to feel grateful to have a wife who prioritized her daughter over what she needed that night. And I’m grateful I did and I feel hurt he used it at a reason i needed to be intimate with him. 

The other part that feels “off” and is a turn off to me- he mumbled about it during a movie with kids, right in front of them. I don’t remember the exact words. But about how this is a need that I’m not Caring about his needs. More of a complaint. I focused on I feel statements and it didn’t escalate. I still felt a strong of it though. A heaviness in my lower chest. 

Fast forward to after getting kids to bed. I was working on my charts  ( still feeling hurt, but on my guard because I recognize this is not the rational Creighton that can be there with me) he said how he felt- I listened. He feels hurt because my work is more important than him… the dolphin, the foot zone classes, or foot zone… but in reality I haven’t learned something new for a very long time and this is my trying to earn income. If complained about him working he’d feel hurt about how he’s earning income.. hello! I’m not trying to cause him to feel less important- there’s a deeper thing going on and I’m in freeze mode at this moment. 

He says he’s going to bed right after looking at the phone with Lily.. fine spend time with her. Go for it. But gets more down about me not being intimate. My gut is screaming “there’s no way”. It feels like a teenager is coming out and I’m his mom. I do going to receive  massage: and a key right for me is - just be willing to just be with me without expecstions) 

In the bedroom I asked if he was widowed, what would he do? He said he’d just get married. It would make the most sense. And there was so little regard for me as his wife. The last time he talks to me about it- I tell him, I feel hurt and I’m still recovering from my low earlier this week. I currently do not feel safe” and that frustrated him and he went into the room. He mumbled “you don’t feel safe” and walked away. 

I know he’s hurting and physically feeling the need for it: and I feel that he has little disregard for me. 

This doesn’t feel right. It’s a big turnoff and it feels off. My heart was racing and I felt and still feel the big small vortex of of yucky energy on my chest. Am I in the wrong? 

God, I know he has some physical needs in the area and it’s healthy to have a regular consistent sex life. I’m just not there. I need incite. Because I feel like this behavior can feel Manipulative to me to do what he wants. Instead of being out of connection it’s this lust for it instead. And that feels icky to me. I need him to be my friend. That’s what Dr. deloney says: the marriages that make are those that are friends. 

My daughter, I see you and feel you. You both weren’t perfect. And you did the right thing. He needs to learn how to better handle this. I don’t want you to feel valued for just being intimate . And that’s how his behavior will

Lead if you allow this communication cycle to continue. You need to set up a boundary of what you will accept and not accept. “ I will not let you cause me to feel guilty for not feeling safe in this marriage. I will

Not be intimate in this type of energy. 

Fast forward to this morning. It was hard for me to hug him. I tried though. I prayed god would hold my tongue. I tried to be honest. He swore under his breath. And I broke again. He is hurting, I hear that. And he cannot handle it when he knows I’m hurting too. He gets into “I can’t express my emotions”. well he did and he was more than expressing his emotions this morning. What I do recognize is he is hurt by. I can hear that. But he is unable to hear that I’m hurting and focus on connecting. I should not have said that out loud that he comes across as desperate and teenager I deserve this energy. 

After this morning, I’m thinking about going to my parents house for a few days. Maybe a week. I can’t be home and I need space from this dynamic. It’s not healthy for me. It’s hurting me and it’s hurting my ability to be the mom I need to be. And my ability to earn money. I need time away from him I think. Really. I need out of this unhealthy cycle. The one that most people just don’t know. 

Reconsidering (also book related- journey of choosing El Camino)

 The first post in here was 8 years ago. It seems like we are not any further or doing any better then when I first started this blog. I still don't feel like he loves and cherishes ME. And I don't feel like its emotionally safe to express myself or even ask for money. 

I can see where he is coming from. He has some resentment that any money i make would be going to a trip just for me. What he doesn't see is that those trips are hard for me in a big way. I fear being lonely. There is a part of me that doesn't want to go just because I know I will have lonely moments if I go. I know it. And that I won't connect with someone on a soulful level. And I KNOW I will miss my kids. SO much! I am going to want them with me. My heart will be focused on them a lot. 

I am at a cross roads. A part of me is crushed. A really big part! What i want in a partner is someone who says, "Yes, go! I want you to enjoy yourself. You deserve is. You have done so much for the family and kids. You are turning 40 and that's a big deal."

That's what I want very much. Creighton has expressed that he feels like it's unfair beause the money he makes is all going to what i want...  towards the family, the emergency fund, the yard.. like i am some kind of gold digger. For wanting an emergency fun in place.. That hurts. I feel guilt for buying most things, bringing what I  need up because he becomes stressed and like he has to make more money. And if he wants anything, he buys it with his business money. And how I am not contributing. That hurts too because that shows me how he doesn't value what I do here at home, and for the kids. I feel like I;ve mentioned that I feel unappreciated and this is one of the reasons why. It feels like he downplays what I do here. That breaks my heart. I am not pretending to be perfect. I know I am not and I am okay with that. 

I struggle with feeling like I'm good enough for him. Especially with my emotions and my big feelings. I feel like when he gets in a certain state, he gas lights me. And he thinks its this empowering thing for me. And the truth is, I feel so disempowered and so worthless. But, I am also recognizing that the way he's speaking to me does not have the intent of creating understanding and it becomes very judgmental towards me and my character. He thinks I am this negative person, and he is not seeing that he really did start out with the negativity. And that I am feeling SO hurt. Communication feels very unsafe. I still don't want a divorce, but its too hard and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, 

I hadmy moments today. I've felt anger and intense hatred and I've felt depressed and defeated. And I slammed 2 doors. He is so triggering. And I feel sad for my kids. When I started this, Juniper was only 1. She is 8 now. And she has prayed that we don't get a divorce. I've told him yesterday that I don't like him. I was being honest. I felt it was better than saying I hate you. And I felt many suicidal thoughts of wanting to die. No plans, but the desire because the pain was too much. 

At the soccer games, he kept bringing it up, and pointing out my flaws. I can't tell you exactly what he said. What I do know is that every time he spoke, i wanted to cry. 

He is struggling too. I know that. He is not *trying* to gaslight. He feels like I keep mis-interpreting the stories or the narrative. He feels unappreciated, like he'll never do right. What I mean to say is-he feels like Im unhappy is doesn't make enough, or if he works too much. 

The sun comes up, but doubts creep in

 Perseverence and healing requires taking small steps up when I have gone down a spiral. I am still taking steps up, but I am not yet fully recovered. This may take months. This is not the biggest thing, but the next thing I'd like to address is being more of a team in the small things. Not just telling the kids to clean up, but me and creighton really working together to accomplish things when we are home. That includes the kitchen. I feel like I need to stay up late to clean because 1) I like waking up to a clean house and 2) I would feel more unified. I have money anxieties coming up. We need to budget, but it seems we only pray about it, and I don't think anything changes when we only pray about it. We need to actually take action steps and track. We don't have any excuses. 

I really want to beleive in myself that I can find students for foot zoning, because it feels like I need that to establish a consisitent income, and then I can do what my soul is wanting, which is some combo of pregnancy, fitness, birth, labor, pp healing, and emotional and mental health. It seems like a lot lumped together, but it really does make sense. I just know I want to focus on teaching now. And I had a hard time accepting money. What the feeling is that really causes me to doubt is that I just don't have the capability of find them. And doesit really make a difference. I have to beleive it does because clients keep coming back. But i don't have faith in MY ability to be seen and raelly accomplish this goal. 

Julie is doing another trip in October, and I want to go. But there's this little part of me, "Do I want to go? Can I be myself and feel comfortable and confident in who I really am?

The house is a mess. I can't keep up. The laundry is what really gets cloggged up. And how are going to e able to do the yard when we honestly don't have the money? I know I am in scarcity mindset. Evidence keep proving that we aren't going to be able to do it. 

Addressing roots

 You know. I used to never swear. I remember when I was in 10th grade and I was embarrassed to have my mom with me. She stayed in the car outside of my high school. I went into the band room. And I remember wearing casually and then feeling guilty about it. Abs then another time walking between buildings and causally saying a swear word. Then I stopped. I didn’t like how it made me feel. It felt dirty. 

Fast forward to shortly after I got married. Creighton and I were having a hard time. He swore in the car and I told him to get out. Something changed in me that day. From then on, in heated moments, I have sworn in my mind thinking aweful things. And saying them when too many buttons were pushed. Saying words I don’t care to repeat. I mean, sometimes it feels good to swear to really express the magnitude of my feelings. But overall, I I don’t like swearing and I don’t like listening it. 

Why am I writing this? Because perhaps someone can read this and know they aren’t alone. Our relationship has been rocky since the beginning. If I’m being totally honest with myself which I am. 

It is my goal to speak truth in a respectful way. to no longer hold back. To be unapologetically me. And to share my thoughts even if they are different. And today I did. And I believe I did it respectfully. 

Here’s is where I stand financially and what’s important. My first and #1 priority is an emergency fund- and I would like a 6 month emergency fund. I would for there to be $36,000 in it. And the yard. And I want my own retirement fund started. This feels very important to me. Because if Creighton and I don’t work out, I have something. And I don’t actually want to wait for the government to pay off the student loans with the forgiveness program. I’d rather sacrifice and tackle it. And I want to take the steps to generate wealth because without money ,,you can’t help others on big levels. You can’t be the person to cover a meal just because. Money give opportunities to help others. And I want stability through my whole life. I don’t care about the big house, and the truck. And the motorcycle and the nicest things. I want nice things - but I’m very selective about them. 

Here is what creightkn feels and thinks. This is at least what I think I understand. Creighton feels like he misses out on the kids growing up because he has to work. And he hates his second job and feels unappreciated. He’s sacrificing 2 days a week to do his 2nd job- and it depletes him. He also feels like no matter how he’d he works, he’ll never be able to to get a motorcycle or the truck, maybe when he’s 80. His words. And it’s because he feels I will never be okay with him getting one even if he does the emergency fund, the yard etc. and he feels resentment towards  me because he’s the one the makes the money and I decide how to spend it. That hid he wants anything, he has to sell something else to get it. He thinks that hid he works more, it chill cause me to spiral and become suicidal and if he doesn’t I will spiral and be suicidal. 

The thing is we’ve never been in a financial position to buy whatever we want. And he has made these decisions throughout our marriage that have kept us in this pattern. And if I said anything, it crushed him. It wasn’t safe for me to express myself in an honest ways. Early in marriage, he don’t like it when I had a different opinion.  It caused a lot of fights. And heartache. I cried a lot my first year of marriage. It was hard. So many tears. There was even a professor and I can’t remember his name. But he noticed that I have been crying and suggested divorce. 

But today. I was honest about what I wanted. I said if the government doesn’t pay or do the forgiveness loan/ we should tackle it. And then he feels like he is that much further away from his motorcycle. He was feeling resentment towards me today. Because he felt that I would never feel okay with him getting what he wanted a truck s d motorcycle. We’re talking $40,000. Because other things come first- like the emergency fund, the yard, the basement…. It sounds rediculous writing it- like I’m the bad tmguy because I’m stopping him from getting what he wants. He feels resentment because I want an emergency fund…. 

Untold hi he sounded like an entitled teenager. We are adults and we need to be more intentional with our money. In th ink what hurts is he’s basing everything he feels because we’ve never had the money we never will. I’m trying to make it a math problem rather m than a man emotional thing. Emotions play a role, yes. But they don’t have to dictate every financial decision. We’ve got to roll out sleeves up and get to wor to make goals happen- and complaining about it won’t help. Find joy in the work find joy in the journey. I don’t know if he was gaslighting today but it felt like it. That’s why I stopped the conversation. He said something about how I used to pay $1000 toward the fam. That’s because I had students and he started tinysed the money he paid debt with as a weapon against me. At least that’s how it felt. 

I feel drained and depressed and I can’t sleep. I feel sad. AndI don’t want to spend the next 30’years like this. 

Here is the reality. I have 5 kids. Canyon is only 1. 13 months to be more precise. Lily is 11. I don't have stable income. Our marriage is better than it was 5 years ago. But there is a still a lack of trust, lack of respect, and lack of well, love. I read through old entries and wow! It validates so much. It perfectly shows the patterns that are toxic and destructive. I am going to be so tired in the morning. Hy heart is aching. I feel isolated and alone. Creighton told me last week that he does "cherish" me. I can't believe it. I don't beleive it. He doesn't trust my intuition. He wants to know when I'm okay with him getting a motorcycle- but is putting all the emotional investment- I need to have this to show something for all the work ive done... but not looking at the numbers logically. We have good days, and today wasn't a great day. It wasn't the worst but it wasn't the best. 

The shit hits the fan

 To my girls:

Marry the man who you can come home after an exhausting day and hug and hold you and let you cry, and then remind you how strong and awesome you are. The one who can just hold space in the moments you just need to cry. 

Do not marry the man who immediately tries to escape when you are stressed. You goes into she’s going to blame me for everything mode. And the. Tell you what your feel is just something you created or it’s just because you are on your period. That is very invalidating. 

Do not marry the man who makes to sleep on the cou CB and cand causes you to feel like you’re the only one chasing the issues. 

Do not marry te one who wakes you up at 5 am to tell you all of his feelings aggressively with no care to resolve anything. And then take it defensively whenever tou asked if he would like you to do that. Marry the many who will respect you even if his feelings are hurt. 

Do not marry the man who jabs you at your lowest, and then expects you to perform at your highest. That’s called manipulation. 

Do not marry the man who is in compassion fatigue. The one who doesn’t really listen. Do not marry the one who judges before he really understands. 

Marry a man who can just listen and love you. And understand the situation before placing judgment.

Marry the man who is accountable for his own mood, feelings, and thoughts, and doesn’t make himself a victim. This kind of man has a growth mindset. He doesn’t blame you. 

Marry the man who loves others. Who serves, and knows how to connect. Most importantly, to you his future spouse. 

Marry that man who knows your havei  by rough day and brings you flowers. And adores you. 

Marry the man who will never tear you down. Even in his own emotions. He is one who will treat you with respect the good and the hard. 

Do not marry the man who turns your stories and thoughts and questions them so you to question them. Knowingly or not. 

Marry the man who is always rooting for you and building you up. Who see the beautiful light you carry and helps you shine to the world and those around you. He builds you up and helps you feel more confident er. But that confidence also comes from you. 

I just need to write out all my anger. I feel so losses off and I am swirling with anger and resentment. Creighton is also doing things in the list. And he denies doing anything that could or would make a situation worse. He is judging me from my lowest moments and then doing jabs- and isn’t looking at the big picture. The big picture is that he is leaving g me hanging and doesn’t give a shit. He doesn’t care a o it my success. He doesn’t. He doesn’t care of my feelings. He doesn’t love me enough to care. I at least know to let people sleep who fucking need sleep. I feel so pissed off at him. He woke me up at 5 am to tell me everything he was feeling in an aggressive way and had no intention of trying to resolve anything- just wanted to shoot it all at me and leave. Didn’t want to make anything better. That part is on him, not me. I do feel so naive hate towards him. The truth is last night I DID need a better partner. One who could just listen and be there and let me cry. I craved it. And me saying that, causes him to feel insecure. I’m sorry you’re insecurity gets in the way of connection, but you distrust need to sleep so you can shoot your bullets. He is showing me that he doesn’t even want to be that protective supportive person. There’s no way in hell I am going to go on a date wit Gonzalo I HATE the person he is right now so much. This version of him I cannot stand. The volatile gaslighting person he becomes. Turning every bit of it on me not realizi he contributed to it. That really lights me up like lights up the anger and fire in me. I feel hurt and my heart is shattered. I am supposed to somehow show up today and he doesn’t care if I do or don’t. He doesn’t care if I fail miserably or succeed. At least that’s how it feels. 

And then he exploded at iris last night no knowing she was trying to help by cleanig up the kitchen. And made her feel like crap for it. 

I’ve got so much anger and resentment. Man up creighton and take responsibility for your own actions and stop acting like you didn’t do anything wrong. Take responsibility for yourself. And treat others how you would want them to treat you. 

Ask yourself befor you explode,  would I want someone waking me up at 5 am yelling at me? 

Would I want someone yelling at me if I walked upstairs? 

Would I want someone to jab an event I had been planning more awhile and am finally acting on, even if their feelings are hurt? Hell no. And also, I at least had the decency to walk away when I was upset instead of gaslighting you. I had thoughts running through my mind yes. But I didn’t aim that at you. I was processing through things privately. And you are holding that against me. That’s not okay. I did it in a healthier way than you be journaling. I did not breach the list because I didn’t aim it at you. I was processing it and expressing it in a quieter way so in could shift it. I was grieving not sing the supportive partner I felt like k needed. You are a big part of the problem omego. 

If I can succeed today that will be shock, thank you for showing me that you are not willing to communicate with respect. I think I tried to-like I said I felt disconnected and let me know when you able to talk- taking your sleep into consideration. I had feelings that came out under my breathe, I was ding crying. I don’t need to hear it’s just because I’m on my period. And then I sat in the bath to process my feelings but you felt you could say any thing you’ve wanted to me. 

It’s not going to help anything to act the way you ducking do. 

A glimpse of hope

 So I was lead to call on a friend to better understand the patterns I've experienced in my marriage. I've felt so crazy and psychotic. ANd unloved and misunderstood. So I called Nikki Lemon, who has had 2 marriages and experienced so much! And now is in a much healthier relationship . 

She helped me understand that we are in an abusive pattern around conflict. Some of it has been on my end- like I have put blame on Creighton at times and yelled and swore. And he has also played a really big role in this pattern. It makes sense why Ive felt so unconfident and insecure and unsure of myself. But now that I have this understanding, like a clear understanding- Its something I can no longer allow to happen to me and I can no longer do the behaviors that contribute to it. If it can't change, or he won't, and I am changing- that is when this marriage can no longer continue. I am also starting therapy. So I am hoping that will also help. We will see how I like this lady tomorrow. 

I need a root canal!!

 This is something I never in my life wanted to experience. I watched my dad growing up working on patients. And My gums ached watching him. Kind of like the front gums ache now. The question is, why am I SOO fearful of the root canal I NOW know my tooth needs???

I don't want a root canal because it takes so darn long. At least that's my perception. the needle. THE needle. The vulnerability dentistry requires. I mean. I did what I felt was the best things to help my teeth this year. but I guess I was wrong, or The wrong person worked on my 2 cavities that got fixed. I loved going to the dentist for years, because all I needed was a teeth cleaning. Blast spring, I had a tooth filled and a metal filling changed. I don't know what's worse, keeping the metal filling or changing it out.  But now I know for sure that fixing the filling a month ago caused me to need a root canal! I thought i was making a good decision to take good care of my teeth. SO... I feel frustrated! ANd angry. And I am angry and upset with creighton on top of it. I feel freaking alone and isolated. The last 3 days have been hell. mostly the last 2 days. 

And it feels so inconvenient. 1 hour there, 2 hours to work on my tooth, and 1 hours home. 4 hours. 4 precious hours. I could have had this done Saturday, but the amount of emotional toxic stress I was under, I couldn't do it. The amount of disbelief I had also contributed to that. plus the fact that my dad said, "damn it you are so stubborn, just like bonnie".  And when I pushed the needle away, I didn't mean to but he got upset and threw it. 

Lets just add, its been hell at home too. I felt so isolated with the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the aloneness because of Creighon's responses. Ugh. Its been awful.  I don't feel peace with getting it, but now I know I need it. WHy am I lacking so much peace?

Start of the book- I am Done

 I am done with catring to others needs. I am done letting others manipulate me. Have you heard the phrase, "I'm sick and tired of being sock and tired"? Most people don't take the steps necessary to stop being "sick and tired" until it becomes too much.