I was in my house, which was acutally clean. The main floor was clutter free. The counters clear except for the piles of papers I don't know what to do with. My clients left, who were my friends. It was so nice to reconnect with becky and shane and Fayeth and Nevaeh. I really enjoyed their visit. Creighton came home. And julie messaged me about her event coming up. And I was just so torn about going. I used my pendulum and got the no answer. But of course questioned it. All the things came flooding back because hshe doesn't see what my bank account looks like or how we only have $200 in our account. I sat in discouragement, wanting to cry. I was upfront and honest with Julie, even letting her know I don't expect her to cater to me. I finally decided to ask for a blessing. And The sorrow and frustration mixed with depression, feeling like the victim of my circumstances. And the blessing stated many things I needed to hear. I had time to prepare for the blessing. And I read scripture after scripture- nothing standing out to me. I prayed. and I felt God had somehow abandoned me and was just watching me struggle.
its like the other morning when I went walking. I was talking to God, feeling discouraged. and even angry and resentful towards God. My faith in tithing has weened. I don't even know exactly what I believe anymore. And then I spoke to C's higher self. And then he appeared on the path.
I was also riddled with fear of actually being able to accomplish teaching foot zoning. And I feel like I am not as "qualified". What am I actually doing and what do I want to do? And how do I combine it? All this has left me feeling more confused. My clients are not able to support my CC and Marci payments. Tears were flowing slowly outof my eys as the pain of all this tore me apart. I see these doors that can help bring extra income, But stepping through them in confidence... I feel like a little girl wearing a woman costume tryingto fillin the role, but not giving my clients what I want to give them.
I messaged Julie again and opened up about some of these feelings. And she tolsme words I needed to hear. That Fear will not get me out of these circumstances. I needed to step into the innovative creative inspired me. And that I was strong and capable. Tears come to my eyes thinking about it. So it was then I decided that the money would work out and I would go.But I still struggle with leaving my son so many days. I love him so much and the fun age he is. He is developing into this determined humorous fun little boy. I love him. And I don't love arranging babysitting.
But I am hopinh to leave this event with more clarity and confidence than I am feeling now. And formiracles because God knows I need them. Otherwise I'll dip into a negative account balance, which I really don't want to happen.
