Dear God,
How do I keep going? I do i make it tomorrow? Why should I keep trying? It doesn't get easier. Creighton is just as much of a jerk as he used to be. He hasn't changed. Not really. He is still unsatisfied, negative, and disrespectful. More than that, he is teaching the girls to be disrespecful. My heart is aching. Lily and Iris wer pauching and mocking my pain. Maybe not intentionally and they probably didn't know howw to deal with the conflict. But it still hurt. Where were you? Why didn't you stop it? This was a TERRIBLE night. I acknowledge I messed up too. I said terrible things and kicked and bit C. He kepy pushing my buttons when I was past my limit over and over again. It makes me not want to be a wife or mom or anything like it. I feel alone and abandoned. Is it the right time to leave this marriage?
Dear Suzie,
It is not the right time yet. It can get better. That's why we have the atonement. So your past can be the past. THe only thing you can change is the future. Your daughters don't understand. Please don't personalize it. You can talk to them tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Pregnancy #4
I found out I was pregnant shortly after the Art of Mentoring. I realized I was 2 weeks late for my period, which had been regular for about 6 months. There were about 4 times that we were not careful with the pulling out method before that. And in that short time I got pregnant. I do not know the instance I got pregnant, but I do know that i wasn't ready on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level. Like normal, my marriage was struggling, but this time it was REALLY struggling. Which made the finding out even more difficult to take in. I didn't tell C creatively because I was being more honest with him, and I didn't tell him right away because there didn't seem to be a 'good' time where he wasn't stressed out. But when he asked, I told him.
I was in an emotional state of disbelief and denial. I couldn't even face the fact that I was pregnant. So I told not one, well almost no one. I told Laurel Higgins, a girl in my ward. And Creighton accidently leaked it to his mom. I hadn't even had an ultrasound. Or midwife appointment. She kept asking about it, but I didn't really want to talk about it much. I told my family on Christmas day through a present, and it got mixed up with Tami's gifts so it was confusing for my family. Even that was hard for me. How long can one keep this in? I am pretty sure I could have kept it secret fom my family months longer.
Part of the reason I didn't want to tell people is because they would be more excited than ME. And I know so many people struggling to get pregnant, I don't want to trigger emotions in them. And at the same time, I should not let that down play the joy that I cold feel, but I have done that. It took me a few months just to accept the fact that I was pregnant. A big part of this what that it wasn't MY plan or MY timing. I had things I wanted to do and accomplish, and I didn't see how I could make that happen. Also, I wanted to get the metal out of my elbow while it was covered under insuarnce. or so I thought. And how am I going to be a mother of 4 kids? Handle that I mean. How am I going to arrange the sleeping? Putting Junie in the girls room sounds like a terrible idea because being n her own room makes it so much easier to put her to bed.
In early December, Creighton vomitted his can of worms on me in the car. And it was not good. I got home feelng shattered. and broken. Eveything was falling apart. I was. My marriage was. ANd I was 10 weeks pregnant or something like that. How could I possibly be ahppy and joyful about being pregnant? Then in January, there was yet another incident. The state a marriage can most definitely impact how one feels about a pregnancy. I know first hand. In December and January, you still couldn't tell I was pregnant. It wasn't obvious to the eye, so most people didn't know. I don't announce it.
January rolled into February way too fast. I think the moment I truly accepted it and it felt real was seeing the 19 week ultrasound. Seeing the baby move and turn an open its mouth. Even then, I could tell, but it was easy to hide because it was winter and my winter coat hid the PG very well. It was in Feb that people could kind of tell, but didn't often ask in fear of being rude.
Right now, its the middle of MArch. And it is not hidable. I am 25 weeks pg, and not ready at all to give birth. Not emotionally, not mentally, not visually. How I am going to pay for the birth? I don't even know that.
I was in an emotional state of disbelief and denial. I couldn't even face the fact that I was pregnant. So I told not one, well almost no one. I told Laurel Higgins, a girl in my ward. And Creighton accidently leaked it to his mom. I hadn't even had an ultrasound. Or midwife appointment. She kept asking about it, but I didn't really want to talk about it much. I told my family on Christmas day through a present, and it got mixed up with Tami's gifts so it was confusing for my family. Even that was hard for me. How long can one keep this in? I am pretty sure I could have kept it secret fom my family months longer.
Part of the reason I didn't want to tell people is because they would be more excited than ME. And I know so many people struggling to get pregnant, I don't want to trigger emotions in them. And at the same time, I should not let that down play the joy that I cold feel, but I have done that. It took me a few months just to accept the fact that I was pregnant. A big part of this what that it wasn't MY plan or MY timing. I had things I wanted to do and accomplish, and I didn't see how I could make that happen. Also, I wanted to get the metal out of my elbow while it was covered under insuarnce. or so I thought. And how am I going to be a mother of 4 kids? Handle that I mean. How am I going to arrange the sleeping? Putting Junie in the girls room sounds like a terrible idea because being n her own room makes it so much easier to put her to bed.
In early December, Creighton vomitted his can of worms on me in the car. And it was not good. I got home feelng shattered. and broken. Eveything was falling apart. I was. My marriage was. ANd I was 10 weeks pregnant or something like that. How could I possibly be ahppy and joyful about being pregnant? Then in January, there was yet another incident. The state a marriage can most definitely impact how one feels about a pregnancy. I know first hand. In December and January, you still couldn't tell I was pregnant. It wasn't obvious to the eye, so most people didn't know. I don't announce it.
January rolled into February way too fast. I think the moment I truly accepted it and it felt real was seeing the 19 week ultrasound. Seeing the baby move and turn an open its mouth. Even then, I could tell, but it was easy to hide because it was winter and my winter coat hid the PG very well. It was in Feb that people could kind of tell, but didn't often ask in fear of being rude.
Right now, its the middle of MArch. And it is not hidable. I am 25 weeks pg, and not ready at all to give birth. Not emotionally, not mentally, not visually. How I am going to pay for the birth? I don't even know that.
Another Crappy night
And it happened again. Another crappy day. Another reason to want to die. Another reason to hate and resent. Another reason to give up. I hate my husband with all of my heart. I hate him so much. I hate everything about him. He is a poiece of shit and I'm done. He is the worst person I know. I don't want to be alive and I don't want to be in this marriage.
He manipulated my kids into feeling unsafe. I was only trying to **TALK* to them. And he kept telling me to stop. They were mocking me. While I was crying. They were laughing and repeating everything being said. while I was crying and creighton was defending them. I kept telling him to give me space. And he wouldn't. Yet, because I was the one acting psychotic, he won't own up to anything he did. I hate everything about him. He kepy telling me to stop talking to them and that made me MORE angry and more upset. He kept pushing my buttons and I hate him for it.
I did lose it. I know I did. I kicked him and I bit him. But he was terrible to me. He didn't give a rat's ass about me. He had ZERO empathy or compassion at all. He pretends to care. How does he not realize that since he came home, he was constantly on his phone- not helping with dinner, not helping get the table set, not helping get the girls to the table while I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of all 4 kids, trying to get the table set, getting the girls ready for bed, teeth brushed while he was staring at facebook. Why couldn't he even acknowledge that he wasn't helping and it would be frustrating. He "loves" the quality of humility. Yet, he is the least humble person I know. And I hate him for that.
Juniper was the only person in the house that showed me an ounce of love. With the exception of River. But River is just a baby and this time, it doesn't count. because I needed some love from my daughters and my husband. But I got mocked. By my 6 and 4 year old. And that hurts. They were laughing about my pain. And Creighton allowed that. Right now, River is crying and I don't have what it takes to help him. I am crying and watching a movie. I missed my coaching call because of this crap. I don't want to help him now. He is crying and he needs me, but I don't have it in me. The hurt and worthlessness I feel inside is overwhelming.
There is this huge part of me that want to just disappear. Not be alive. Its moments like these that I would rather be gone because my family would be better off without me. Lily and Iris would be better off. And Creighton sure as hell would be better off. Why even keep trying? He obliously doesn't recognize how much I do. Because when I don't, people get neglected. The kids don't get a proper meal. They don't get outside time. They have a parent who is not of the phone. He is hardly emotionally available. He basically disappeared.
I don't know if I will be able to recover from this. And I don't know if C will be able to recover from this. I was to not see him at all. I want him out of my life. I feel angry and upset. And I want to give up. I really hate how C mocked how I was "being so positive". Its like he forgets I am human. I do not claim to be perfect. And part of what I teach is being okay with the emotions you feel. TO not hate yourself for feeling. That even in the mistakes, We are still 100% loveable. Even if I act like a psychotic, I am still loveable and worthy of love and compassion. That will not change. I have never claimed to be perfect and its not just about being "in control" of my emotions. Its so much more than that.
I sit here in the couch and no netflicks show looks appealing. I am wrapped in blanket. My toes are still cold and my arms are cold. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to be near C. I would do better if her weren't here right now. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know why the girls were laughing at my pain. Where did they learn that? How could they? After all that I do. A huge part of me want to stop being a mom. Just leave and then everyone will appreciate me. Disappear. poof. I am gone. The other thing I teach is that every experience can be a GIFT. And I ask myself, how can this particular experience be a gift? How can I find gratitude in the moment? The only things I can think of to be grateful for is that everyone is asleep and at least for now, I can escape C's negative judgment of me and the girls not wanting to talk to me. And River's soft energy. And the fact that Juniper gave me love. Other than that, I don't know. Perhaps, I can see this as a gift later. But for now, its just a shitty night. And that's okay if I feel that. But I need to live what I teach. I care of about myself even if I feel this way.
I pray and hope that River is not like C. That he may actually live humble, kind, and coompassionate. That Lily and Iris learn the art of empathy and compassion. That my kids have a better marriage, a happy marriage built on love and respect, no pornography. That they be treated like queens at all times, married in the church or not. My heart is depressed. I am tired but I don't want to sleep by C. No way. Not after tonight. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
He manipulated my kids into feeling unsafe. I was only trying to **TALK* to them. And he kept telling me to stop. They were mocking me. While I was crying. They were laughing and repeating everything being said. while I was crying and creighton was defending them. I kept telling him to give me space. And he wouldn't. Yet, because I was the one acting psychotic, he won't own up to anything he did. I hate everything about him. He kepy telling me to stop talking to them and that made me MORE angry and more upset. He kept pushing my buttons and I hate him for it.
I did lose it. I know I did. I kicked him and I bit him. But he was terrible to me. He didn't give a rat's ass about me. He had ZERO empathy or compassion at all. He pretends to care. How does he not realize that since he came home, he was constantly on his phone- not helping with dinner, not helping get the table set, not helping get the girls to the table while I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of all 4 kids, trying to get the table set, getting the girls ready for bed, teeth brushed while he was staring at facebook. Why couldn't he even acknowledge that he wasn't helping and it would be frustrating. He "loves" the quality of humility. Yet, he is the least humble person I know. And I hate him for that.
Juniper was the only person in the house that showed me an ounce of love. With the exception of River. But River is just a baby and this time, it doesn't count. because I needed some love from my daughters and my husband. But I got mocked. By my 6 and 4 year old. And that hurts. They were laughing about my pain. And Creighton allowed that. Right now, River is crying and I don't have what it takes to help him. I am crying and watching a movie. I missed my coaching call because of this crap. I don't want to help him now. He is crying and he needs me, but I don't have it in me. The hurt and worthlessness I feel inside is overwhelming.
There is this huge part of me that want to just disappear. Not be alive. Its moments like these that I would rather be gone because my family would be better off without me. Lily and Iris would be better off. And Creighton sure as hell would be better off. Why even keep trying? He obliously doesn't recognize how much I do. Because when I don't, people get neglected. The kids don't get a proper meal. They don't get outside time. They have a parent who is not of the phone. He is hardly emotionally available. He basically disappeared.
I don't know if I will be able to recover from this. And I don't know if C will be able to recover from this. I was to not see him at all. I want him out of my life. I feel angry and upset. And I want to give up. I really hate how C mocked how I was "being so positive". Its like he forgets I am human. I do not claim to be perfect. And part of what I teach is being okay with the emotions you feel. TO not hate yourself for feeling. That even in the mistakes, We are still 100% loveable. Even if I act like a psychotic, I am still loveable and worthy of love and compassion. That will not change. I have never claimed to be perfect and its not just about being "in control" of my emotions. Its so much more than that.
I sit here in the couch and no netflicks show looks appealing. I am wrapped in blanket. My toes are still cold and my arms are cold. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to be near C. I would do better if her weren't here right now. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know why the girls were laughing at my pain. Where did they learn that? How could they? After all that I do. A huge part of me want to stop being a mom. Just leave and then everyone will appreciate me. Disappear. poof. I am gone. The other thing I teach is that every experience can be a GIFT. And I ask myself, how can this particular experience be a gift? How can I find gratitude in the moment? The only things I can think of to be grateful for is that everyone is asleep and at least for now, I can escape C's negative judgment of me and the girls not wanting to talk to me. And River's soft energy. And the fact that Juniper gave me love. Other than that, I don't know. Perhaps, I can see this as a gift later. But for now, its just a shitty night. And that's okay if I feel that. But I need to live what I teach. I care of about myself even if I feel this way.
I pray and hope that River is not like C. That he may actually live humble, kind, and coompassionate. That Lily and Iris learn the art of empathy and compassion. That my kids have a better marriage, a happy marriage built on love and respect, no pornography. That they be treated like queens at all times, married in the church or not. My heart is depressed. I am tired but I don't want to sleep by C. No way. Not after tonight. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
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