Life felt like it was really getting out of balance. I could tell Creighton was stressed and i tried the skills of of, " in this season, this is whats true- it needed its hard and it sucks. I tried getting a sense that Creighton unsterstood whats going on and if he understood what certain actions werent okay.
In his mind, he forgets and "moves on" because he's "over it". and just "waits" for me to get "over it". Thats the problem. Because for me, its not that simple. it could be except that he's over it until he gets defensive or hurt and shuts down again. The same hurtful responses, and the same negative narratives play out in his mind, and I then feel the heaviness of it all and overwhelmed with hurt sadness and grief and eventually with his emotion, want to die. or aleast dissapear because its too hard.
THIS is what I cannot push under the rug. this pattern. Its not just, oh I made a mistake and I say, I still love you and its okay. Especially when something was not okay. For me in my house, I need him to be able to take full accountability and see and hear a heartfelt apology (I messed up, and I'm going to be an adult about this...) without me having to "say" something. I need him to take the lead in that for me to feel like this can get better. Him doing that would show me that he cares about us as a couple, and me as his wife because I believe someone who really honors his wife would do that.
I see that what Im asking is not easy. What I;m asking is that we start addressing the hard truths and be adults who take full accountability and have awareness.
That one one person has emotions- we can take a step back and come back and show up in hard convsersations again respecfully.
He almost mocked the fact that I listen to Dr. John in his hurt and that also I feel is disrespectful. At least I try to improve communication and it challenges his way of dealing with it which feels like avoidance.
The path forward for me to feel emotionally safe and like I can come home and just breathe in the same home as him:
-Even if he feels like he's over it, take time to show me he's taking full accountability- Share how he messed up and a heartfelt apology- showing awareness and that he's learning from it.
"I know we both felt hurt, and I can see where I messed up. I love you and respect you and realized I treated you with disrespect, or spoke in a tone that wasnt kind.. I was experiencing ... and fell back into a narrative of thinking that was immature. This is what I've learned from this and how i will try to do better."
I know it will take us both time to adjust to a new pattern and it won't go right everytime, but I am committed to showing up when its hard and hold your hand through the hard moments as we practice this.
ON the flip side of this, I know that I also struggle with the response of flight or freeze when he shares his feelings. Often, his feelings feel so damn harsh- that they come out like a tidal wave and directly onto me. They come out as beliefs of I am the person who made him feel this way. THey are so heavy I don't know what to do with them. I don't have to skills needed.
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