Money and marriage

 Marriage is so hard. I cannot tell you how much my heart is hurting. When someone gets married, its a huge celebration. But when you are young and excited to spend your life togther, you don't know the pain that can await you. For me, marriage has been my biggest mess, my hardest trial, and the most challenging thing I have ever done. Really. 

I have experienced more heart ache in marriage than I thought possible. This weekend was no exception. Every person has a money story. It doesn't matter who you are or where you grew up. You grew up with beleifs around money. And were you taught to properly manage it? I don't think so.        

This last weekend was really hard. It was excruciating for my heart. My husband has been really stressed out. He has been at his max. Before our 10 year anniversary, he was very cranky and it was difficult to talk about what we were going to do! TO even plan it with him. I felt alone in the fact that if something was going to happen, I had to make it happen. Which I did. We went ziplining and it was fun! Then, we hike Stuart falls. And ate at Longhorn steakhouse. While it was an enjoyable anniversary, I cannot say it was a happy annivserary. honestly speaking. It was an anniversary. And its a reminder that the first 10 years have been very hard. We've had our ups and downs. But the downs feel like hitting rock bottom again. My hope is that this marriage works out. And at our 20 year anniversay, it is truly a celebration of thriving in marriage. 

Money has been a struggle in our marriage. I have worked on my money mindset a lot on the  last 2 years. We still have the cycle of getting more and it going back down. Creighton has a money story that comes up and its not a good one. He feels like no matter how hard he works, he can't have what he wants and he has to sell what he has to get what he wants. When this gets triggered, he is not available mentally and emotionally and becomes very snappy and cranky. This weekend, I felt that he took it out on me strongly. He blamed me for making him feel guilty with eating. I sat outside mt door telling myself that I deserve to be treated with love an respect, especially when my husband is upset. He shut down this weekend in his hurt, stress, frusrtation , and other feelings. He has got so much on his plate, more than he has to carry. My heart felt so so heavy yesterday. A weight that really dragged me down.      

While it was better today, I know one thing. I do not want this cycle to repeat over and over again. Carol TUttle said that we need to divorce out thoughts because we are projecting them. And its true. I am projecting neg thoughts. So I take ownership for that. Kirk DUncan said that we want to escape or die because we don't want to feel the pain. And that is only temporary. And when it gets so hard like it did, I want to escape and leave. anywhere, because I want to escape the pain. This is a reminder that every hard time can be a gift of experience where I can learn from it and be accountable for my own thoughts and reactions. May the next 10 years bring me new positive cycles that help me to thrive in marriage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 Covid-19 has been a bowl full of emotions from angry, frustrated, at peace, joy, and more. But right now, more than the stress of these political times is my marriage. Once again, Creighton is stressed and struggling. And he thinking I am judging him and controlling him with food, making him feel guilty. And that I am withholding sex. This is not the case for either. he can ea anything he wants. I won't stop him. But he has been quite judgmental with me and I feel wounded.He is taking feelings I had when I was feeling depressed last night and jabbing me in the face. He may have been nice about it last night, but today I saw a very different man. He has brought up the past so much today and used it as amo to justify how he was treating me. 

You know what I really think? I think he feels worthless and outof control. SO when I suggest something with food,, he triggered with guilt. And then blames me for making him for feeling guilty because he is unable to look inside and take accountability for his own thoughts and emotions. We will always be the victim until we take accountablity for what we feel and think. And at the same time, there are times when we absolutely need to express how we feel in a respsecful way. We we tear down and cross boundaries that hurt someone, we are hurting ourselves more. 

I take accountabiliy for my own thoughts and emotions. The feeling of being abandoned that I felt today was already inside of me. But it was triggered by something that normally wouldn't affect me, but I was emotionally stacked. I have been holding onto a lot and had a lot of walls up this past weekend. It didn't start with creighton. It started with stress fo school, time, money, time management, lack of organization, not getting enough sleep, parentingstruggles, and not getting done what I want. What tipped me when Creighton wanted me to intimate and started complaining how I feel this and that an said many judgmental things that hurt my feelings. When I am sad, he mentions how about old pattens and how I will react and what I will do. He is manifesting struggle when he does this! Does he not see I am improving? or that I have the capability to improve?  That hurts when he sees me as this mean, judgy person, who is withholding sex. I am so much more than that! I am a queen and I will be treated llike a queen. I am royalty. And so is he. He just doesn't see it.