You know. I used to never swear. I remember when I was in 10th grade and I was embarrassed to have my mom with me. She stayed in the car outside of my high school. I went into the band room. And I remember wearing casually and then feeling guilty about it. Abs then another time walking between buildings and causally saying a swear word. Then I stopped. I didn’t like how it made me feel. It felt dirty.
Fast forward to shortly after I got married. Creighton and I were having a hard time. He swore in the car and I told him to get out. Something changed in me that day. From then on, in heated moments, I have sworn in my mind thinking aweful things. And saying them when too many buttons were pushed. Saying words I don’t care to repeat. I mean, sometimes it feels good to swear to really express the magnitude of my feelings. But overall, I I don’t like swearing and I don’t like listening it.
Why am I writing this? Because perhaps someone can read this and know they aren’t alone. Our relationship has been rocky since the beginning. If I’m being totally honest with myself which I am.
It is my goal to speak truth in a respectful way. to no longer hold back. To be unapologetically me. And to share my thoughts even if they are different. And today I did. And I believe I did it respectfully.
Here’s is where I stand financially and what’s important. My first and #1 priority is an emergency fund- and I would like a 6 month emergency fund. I would for there to be $36,000 in it. And the yard. And I want my own retirement fund started. This feels very important to me. Because if Creighton and I don’t work out, I have something. And I don’t actually want to wait for the government to pay off the student loans with the forgiveness program. I’d rather sacrifice and tackle it. And I want to take the steps to generate wealth because without money ,,you can’t help others on big levels. You can’t be the person to cover a meal just because. Money give opportunities to help others. And I want stability through my whole life. I don’t care about the big house, and the truck. And the motorcycle and the nicest things. I want nice things - but I’m very selective about them.
Here is what creightkn feels and thinks. This is at least what I think I understand. Creighton feels like he misses out on the kids growing up because he has to work. And he hates his second job and feels unappreciated. He’s sacrificing 2 days a week to do his 2nd job- and it depletes him. He also feels like no matter how he’d he works, he’ll never be able to to get a motorcycle or the truck, maybe when he’s 80. His words. And it’s because he feels I will never be okay with him getting one even if he does the emergency fund, the yard etc. and he feels resentment towards me because he’s the one the makes the money and I decide how to spend it. That hid he wants anything, he has to sell something else to get it. He thinks that hid he works more, it chill cause me to spiral and become suicidal and if he doesn’t I will spiral and be suicidal.
The thing is we’ve never been in a financial position to buy whatever we want. And he has made these decisions throughout our marriage that have kept us in this pattern. And if I said anything, it crushed him. It wasn’t safe for me to express myself in an honest ways. Early in marriage, he don’t like it when I had a different opinion. It caused a lot of fights. And heartache. I cried a lot my first year of marriage. It was hard. So many tears. There was even a professor and I can’t remember his name. But he noticed that I have been crying and suggested divorce.
But today. I was honest about what I wanted. I said if the government doesn’t pay or do the forgiveness loan/ we should tackle it. And then he feels like he is that much further away from his motorcycle. He was feeling resentment towards me today. Because he felt that I would never feel okay with him getting what he wanted a truck s d motorcycle. We’re talking $40,000. Because other things come first- like the emergency fund, the yard, the basement…. It sounds rediculous writing it- like I’m the bad tmguy because I’m stopping him from getting what he wants. He feels resentment because I want an emergency fund….
Untold hi he sounded like an entitled teenager. We are adults and we need to be more intentional with our money. In th ink what hurts is he’s basing everything he feels because we’ve never had the money we never will. I’m trying to make it a math problem rather m than a man emotional thing. Emotions play a role, yes. But they don’t have to dictate every financial decision. We’ve got to roll out sleeves up and get to wor to make goals happen- and complaining about it won’t help. Find joy in the work find joy in the journey. I don’t know if he was gaslighting today but it felt like it. That’s why I stopped the conversation. He said something about how I used to pay $1000 toward the fam. That’s because I had students and he started tinysed the money he paid debt with as a weapon against me. At least that’s how it felt.
I feel drained and depressed and I can’t sleep. I feel sad. AndI don’t want to spend the next 30’years like this.
Here is the reality. I have 5 kids. Canyon is only 1. 13 months to be more precise. Lily is 11. I don't have stable income. Our marriage is better than it was 5 years ago. But there is a still a lack of trust, lack of respect, and lack of well, love. I read through old entries and wow! It validates so much. It perfectly shows the patterns that are toxic and destructive. I am going to be so tired in the morning. Hy heart is aching. I feel isolated and alone. Creighton told me last week that he does "cherish" me. I can't believe it. I don't beleive it. He doesn't trust my intuition. He wants to know when I'm okay with him getting a motorcycle- but is putting all the emotional investment- I need to have this to show something for all the work ive done... but not looking at the numbers logically. We have good days, and today wasn't a great day. It wasn't the worst but it wasn't the best.
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