Anxiety

 I feel really anxious right now. Its been building. And I think it's natural. I have a performance tonight for A million dreams on the silks But Its a combination of things. I am having a hard time getting things done that i need done. Creighton is on spring break and He was really really struggling- and he is doing *better* but not all the way. It seems that the moment he climbs up, he brain goes right to a truck, and a motorcycle. We looked at one yesterday and almost got one looked at today but then there was a deposit on it. That one felt right. WIth so much happening, I *want* to go to the mountains and just be and not have anything to do. But what i think will bring me peace is getting all my *stuff* done. I don't feel like I can just live because I always have multiple things to do. 

List of everything I need to do:

Home things: 

• Find birth certificates and submit to Excelsior- 
• Get vaccine exception forms for Excelsior
• Get all the things ready to go for tonight's performance
• Sheets
• costume
• Makeup
• lantern or fairly lights
• tape
• Pick hair style
• Finish presentation for the FZ conference 
• Some things to print out
• Reach out to others to have t-shirts made
• Get Angelle to put her name on the roster. 
• Figure out finances- 
• pay bills
• pay DBI taxes
• pay piano lessons

list of things i want to do:

• 
  

Unbreakable boundaries

 There is a lot of emotional pain in my heart. There have been more times lately where I feel like things have been okay. I could breathe in my own house. But Creighton is someone I can't turn to right now. He is someone I am unable to effectively communicate with. He has this story is in his brain. And I can't change it for him. 

I think what started this round of the toxic pattern is this: He wanted to go to California. I had a showcase/ have a showcase next weekend. And the kids spring break and his spring break are not matching. There were a few reasons that my gut said, NO. and leading up to spring break, there have been little comments that don't sit right with me. "no one wants to go..." I know we really wanted to do something. But it always felt so yuck to my gut. I think i know why more now. My van broke down. While I was driving on Friday, my car electrical screens were going on and off and the battery light came on and I was on I80. Gratefully, I arrived at the stoplight by pastures of saddleback. And I had a feeling, I should not turn off the car. I did and i couldn't turn back on. I called 911 because I was interrupting traffic. I waved car after car around me for about 45 minutes. A man parked at the gas station and he and another woman helped push my car to the smaller street. And I had my car towed to a repair shop which i pray that will fixe by Tuesday. 

But if we went out of town, what could have happened? If Creighton felt the feelings he has now, and it happening at the best possible spot. How would he have handled it driving in the middle of nowhere, or somewhere between here and southern Utah? I can imagine he would have taken that so hard. And then when he complains about how much it will cost to fix the van. that's what the emergency fund is for. Peace of mind for when an emergency happens. 

And then when he has these big ideas of moving to HI, or starting a homestead, how is he going to when things go incredibly wrong or don't work out at bigger levels? I support him going somewhere 100%. It can't look like how he wanted it to.  He's comparing himself to everyone else who is going somewhere and sometimes the place to be is home. And that's how i felt about this. my nervous system doesn't feel safe with these big ideas he has when he falls apart when smalls things go wrong. 

Going last night to the gathering with other Onyx members was very filling for my cup. I did a lot of good. and I helped get so many people out of pain. And i loved watching them move their body and realize they could do it without pain. With such simple tools. Amazing. And they cared about me. That meant a lot. They wanted me to also receive. There are good people all around. And I am grateful to know them

It helped me show up better today. I showed up brighter and energized despite my lack of sleep. Iris and I got the baskets ready. I had a good breakfast, and calm morning. It was nice. I invited my parents over and That was nice too. I asked Creighton to help out because he was on his phone disengaged from everyone. I need more help from him. I do. I feel unseen. He does not realize that if I didn't show up today, easter things would not have happened. We wouldn't have had breafast or baskets, or dinner, or dye easter eggs. 

His negatively got bad again. And as low as he is, he doesn't want to do what it takes to feel better. I want him to do something for himself. But, I now know that I was walking on egg shells navigating his feelings. and that's exhausting. 

The person I am is one who is honest. And direct. I do not beat around the bush. 

I am a person who commnicates clearly and with respect. I don't speaking disrespectfully to Creighton. I did through test messages, even thought many of those things were true. It was not the respectful way to commnuicate those things. I breathe before I respond. I am  a person of respect. 

I am kind, not nice. Kindness does not get walked on. Kindness can be direct, and does not run from conlfict. Christ did not run from conflict. So I will not run from conflict. Clarity is kindness. 

I exude the joy and glory of God. And I always will. 

I confidently follow my yes's and say to my no's. I do what feels right 

With financial decisions, I often feel like I need to hold in what I feel is right becuase of fear with his reactions. GOing forward- follow the gut response'

• WE need to separate the accounts- give %ages to each account
• I need to express where money needs to go

How can I hold an unbreakable boundary when Creighton is like this? What does it need to look lik to preserve my peace so I can be a constant? 

• Do my self-care when he's struggling and doesn't want to change his mindset
• Reach out to friends and do therapy 
• State out loud where I am going to stand- with Christ- 

Be my own best friend- what would a best friend tell me? I choose to follow my savior jesus cbhrust. I refuse to listen to outside sources. you have no place with me. GEt behind me. State where I will stand. State where I AM going to stand. 

Was Hawaii or was it not being around creighton?

 I went to Hawaii earlier this month. And it felt glorious. I participated in mediations, a cacao ceremony, spent time with women of all different backgrounds and found acceptance and peace, and love. I loved spending with them. Talking with them, adventuring with them, I saw Garren from BYUH. We hiked. I felt a bit awkwrd at times, but overall it was great. I felt respected and cared for. 

I got home and felt some sadness about leaving the island, but felt a great reset. I needed that so desperately. I came home able to be me. my happy confident, motivated me. Creighton was so awesome to help take care of the kids. I really appreciate that. I also had a training this last weekend for the dolphon and i loved being my sisters. I felt more me. Some anxiety and scarcity, and still more me. 

Being home, I still cannot handle the version Creighton that shuts down the minute life doesn't go his way. it does something to me and I can explain better than I used I think. It breaks me. He makes me feel like I am selfish for having goals and aspirations. Like I am not a good person. He shuts down and shuts me out. The loving supportiv husband I sometimes see is just gone. And I can't fix him nor do I want to. I can't take that job on. I know his job sucks. I know he doesn't like therapy, and I cannot fix that either. But he is choosing those career paths. 

With the need t go on vacation, I get that. We all need it. But there is this weird energy with him- not one of fun and excitement, but this desperation to escape. "I have to go on vacation or i won't be okay. I am so determined to go on a vacation with the family so I can surf. I'm sure he has good intentions. But, it feels so constricting. It has to be this one way and there is no flexibility. Its an icky energy. And it eats me up. My gut is saying no! This isn't safe. I guess I just need to to trust my gut on this. And the way he said, so "you can do your thing.." Yes, I've committed to it. And he only sees his side. How do I communicate with a guy like him? He breaks me. 

Other challenges come, and I feel like I can step over them, the side, through some of them, and its adds stressors, but him.. Its like he is a depressed lost soul in a giant body who can stomp on me and break my spirit without even trying. I hate it. I turn into someone who is in a constant struggle and become immediately dysregulated. I don't feel safe when he shuts down. I lose motivation. and my productivity goes down, I have a hard time going to sleep because the emotions and thoughts replay in my mind over and over again as I over analyze the situation. Wondering if its me and if I'm just going crazy, or if its mostly coming from Creighton. I don't know...... 

If I were to give this a surfing analogy, it would be the following: 

I am paddling on the ocean, and lots a small waves come at me. sometimes pushing me back several feet. But i keep going. sometimes knocking me off the board, but I can get back on and eventually get over those white water waves. Creighton is the wave that hits me just the right way and breaks my board where I nothing left to get on. and I'm lost navigating the rough waves which all suddenly become harder. 

Its a similar energy that Sarah puts off too. She is so stuck in her negativity, and need for control. I feel sad for her. not that she's single with no kids, but that she has limited herself so severely. With the food- i need to have control over the food so I don't lose control. Its like.. okay... suite yourself. She doesn't see the miracles that are literally right in front of her. 

I think after writing this out, things are a bit more clear. This isn't about me. Yes, I allowed it to affect me. But creighton emotions and feelings are about him. and I've been doing my part as a loving supportive wife. I've been treating him, providing good nourishihng meals, helping with the kids, cleaning up, I'm doing my part. Ive even been intimate twice in the last week. And his brokeness is not rooting from me. I cannot be the one that fills those holes in. My job is to make me whole so I can show up that way that God wants me to. That means performing. and scheduling a Cali vacation right when school gets out. I won't let him impact me like this tomorrow. I am going to let him feel what he needs to feel and when he's ready, I will suggest or ask in a way that supports projectors. 

But I still must be true to me. ANd I don't mean sacrifice and put my family aside. If anything, the experience with going to Hawaii and doing the training have taught me, I have shown way better for my family. 100% . I don't need to apologize for doing aerials. That is not selfish if i come home with energized to be present with my family. I want my family also to energize me and motivagte me. It is a combo of both. I feel more peace planning a CA vacation when school gets out. We can have more money set aside for it thats only 3 months away. But to not perform just to please him and fix his emotions or out of fear for how he'll respond is not an option. not today. 

I'm glad I wrote this out. this helps to sort out the conflicting emotions from my heart, which weren't even all mine. 

When I am at my best:

I want to be with my family

I am energized enough to make a good quality meal

I am emotionally availble for my kids, which is more patience and compassion 

I