Does life actually get better?

 I don't know if I believe it anymore. Even when my children are around, healthy and loving me. Even when Creighton is doin his best. Maybe I am just weak and broken. I feel defeated. I feel depressed and low. I don't have the Christmas spirit with me. Last week broke me in a very big way. I am slowly rebuilding myself. But it is slow. The emptiness I feel inside is excruciating. I feel as though all happiness and joy has been sucked out of me. 

I feel like I am limited on all planes. Time. Money. opportunity. relationships. I feel stopped on every corner. I met Darla Day today. Again, I saw opportunity. But what stops me? money. again. Am I willing to do what it takes to reach my dreams and my desires. The reality of them feel so far away. the hurt within me is so deep. 

When the deputy, cops, and social services came to my home last week, it was a shock. It was humiliating. It was relieving, and at the same time I didn't want to talk to them. Like, someone was actually there to help me, and I rejected it. And at the same time, I felt intense fear with the possibility of losing the ability to take care of my son, legally. That brought the mama bear out- you cant tell me That I am a danger to my baby. my baby who I invested thousands of dollars, shared his light.  He brought me light. For now, I am allowing myself to feel all these hard feelings. No judgment, just awareness. I know I am playing small. 

What I'll do here is just list what I want: 

More than any material thing, I want to feel motivated, confident, and decisive 

I want to be true to myself

I want to be at peace and be present in the moment 

I want to feel God's peace 

I want to feel whole again, but when I felt whole? 

The moments i have felt whole are when I teach fitness, foot zone, when i watch my kids perform, cuddle with my kids, when I do aerials. 

When I am with my sisters, but even with them what I say is filtered. I'm still honest and me, but its filtered. 

When do I feel the yuck or overwhelmed?]

When I am I strapped for time

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What I learned from my 2024 Foot zone class

 I need to have a more clear contract and set boundaries: 

 In my contract I need to include: 

* Automatic payments

*Payments for each class must be in in order to attend the class

*What I will be giving throughout the course: 

    Answering questions throughout the 7 months

    6 in person classes

    Accountability to complete classes

    incentives each class

    Feedback each class on refining and perfecting the zone

*What I will not be including: 

    course materials

    Constant follow-up after the class- twice 

What I will emphasize throughout the class:

*Coursework needs to be done by the next class, or it becomes very easy to fall behind and not finish

*Make sure you have support and set aside time each week so you are not doing it all last minute. 

* complete your practice zone each month so they are not piled up of what you need to complete after

*Have a support FB group where I can post videos 

*No notes while zoning after you've completed an area- 

        Class 2- no notes area 1

        Class 3- no notes areas 2

        Class 4- no notes areas 3

        Class 5- no notes

        Class 6- no notes     

Recruiting for Next class:

Ideas: 

Free rolling enrollment- 

Set date:

Foot zone parties with those hosting out of their homes

Wellness centers  & chiropractic offices

Goal of 20 people- knowing that I may not reach it but the higher I reach the more i can accomplish

What smaller steps do I need to take to accomplish this? 

Gain weight 

balance hormones 

Marketing themes and weeks- 15 min strategy every monday morning- plan out posts for the week

landing page 

cost $3299

Things that went well- 

I was more on top of reminders through the group text 

I was understanding and supportive, but what I so understanding it didn't stretch them?

    

Look up success rateas of other trades schools, massage school etc 

Costs of side gig that is not MLM

Audience demographics

Psychics graphics

Messaging themes 

WHich one of these would desceibe why i wanted to do that? 

Why I am struggling as an entrepreneur

 Having and growing is business is not for the faint of heart. And its not easy. It pushes you out of your (my) comfort zone. It pushes me that in order to achieve goals- its my direct actions that help me to reach them, and that requires a belief in myself. Which, being honest with myself:

I'm exhausted- just trying to take care and nourish myself, and be there for all my kids. I think thats a really big part. I'm tired.

I do feel small. Really small. 

I still feel like I've lost a big part of my potential and big overall dream 

I feel limited in time- with having kids and my age. 

Why am I even here? What good is it for me to even keep trying? 

I don't have the energy to make really big steps. 

I want to be present for my kids and I want to achive big dreams, but I lack energy

I don't feel like I've got my crap together- I've known for a long time now, that everyone experiences their hard. Even when you don't see it. And I've got my hard too. I am no better than the next person who is struggling. I don't hold any magic answers. 

(my dear, you are settlnig yourself short. they may not be magic answers, but they are skills and ideas and perspectives others haven't even thought about)

-----

Fron now on-

Monday nights 7-9:30 Foot zone class prep 9:30-10 me time

webinar- idea-

Dec- promote to come to a class

Jan- come to a class-

Mid Feb- start- Fill a group and continue to add students 

classes at these locations every few months- have a class a quarter-

WInter soltice sale- start the new year off with these skills-the solstice sale- $2997- start this 3 days before the 21st. Start Dec 18th- run it until the 23rd

call melanie when i can teach at her class- 

run a flash sale on the course- 

Money and relationships

 MOney has always been a hard one for us. And to go a layer deeper, its not the money. The money and the buying is the symptom. The deeper layer is communication. Beyond the communication, its that I felt rushed and didn't feel safe to speak how I really felt. And when I did speak what I felt, it was too late. That blew up in my face. 

First thing in our marriage was the TV and Xbox, while in Laie Hawaii. He spent $800 on that when we could have used that $ to buy a flipping car. Then is was that crappy $800 car that Creighton felt we HAD to buy or he wouldn't get home. Then, it was expensive surfboards when he was going to grad school living off of student loans. Then he sold a descent car and bought a crappy truck from a teenager. And I mean crappy. It was not reliable. There was the dirt bike, the motorcycle, the other car we got a 13k loan for. Then it was his expensive truck he got a 35k loan for with a $525 payment a month. Let's not forget the eye surgery he had to get when I was 3 weeks post partum with Juniper. 3 weeks! The most recent buy was the other crappy truck he bought for 13k, and took an 11.5k loan out with. He lost $5000 on this truck and not to mention all the grief he had because of it. So what was it this time? A flipping Entertainment center. 

In my perfect world, this is what I would have loved to have happen. I think in my perfect world, that's just not creighton's abilities of what I am about to mention. 

Saturday hits, and Creighton tells me about this great idea of getting a cheap one at home depot. I feel the stirring anxiety in my chest and gut of anxious feelings of overwhelm and confusion. I couldn't make a decision. It was all too much for me. So I state this instead- I am just not feeling it right now. I want to wait on this. Lets look at our list of priorities and decide what we want to do next. I'm thinking the garage or the girls dressers, What do you think? But me feeling anxious caused Creighton to feel confusion. And then he bought one and then I felt grief over it. I said something- and Creighton didn't receive that well. Then I felt like o couldn't say anything. Nighttime I would have dreams about it, and feeling the emotions of it all fresh. Fast forward to today. Its supposed to be delivered and all I have to "not answer the door". I was feeling severe anxiety over it last night and even today. Anxiety of not answering the door and anxiety of letting them in and then not loving it, or loving it and feeling guilty of just not trusting C. Total confusion one way AND the other way which equals no clarity or peace, a heightened nervous system. On top of that, I am a little sick AND I hurt my foot last night, not severely. 

A big part for me was honestly not feeling heard and being seen. It felt like I had to suppress it to have peace in my marriage. I felt so unvalidated because he turned it into his issue of being the bad guy spending money and not pending money making money and not making money. 

SO now what I've been wanting to do all week. Write a letter to God because sometimes that's the only way i get answers. 

God, Jesus, mother, what the heck is happening? What do i DO? 

My daughter ,

Peace, I have overcome the world. No amount of money has to steal away your peace. But i hear you and I see you, and the pain you've been experiencing. First you need to cast out. now listen to a scripture. Okay, I've read scriiptures. I've cast out. 

Okay, now you need to know this. It doesn't matter. The entertainment center is neutral. Whether you open the door and keep it or not, it won't make a difference in anxiety if you dont adress the root cause. I feel anxious about it with you just saying that. Then I really don't know what to do.  I feel even more lost now. I feel like I'm hiding in this little hole, running away from the entertainment center, running away from the next steps of chiropractic school, running from this things that can mean expansion for me and my family. And I am at an ultimate low in my weight. I am 113 lbs! I havent had a period and I don't know why I am losing so much weight. I haven't been able to get my weight up since the foot zone conference. Just tell me what to do please. I don't just want to avoid because I have these really intense feelings! And right now that's what I feel like I am doing if i don't open the door.

I am asking you with desperation, this is too much. I can't handle it. Something is wrong, and maybe its just me.  And then today he told me he doesn't care. but that confuses me too because if didn't care, thenhe wouldn't have pushed to buy something so quickly. Actions and words don't add up. 

And now the other part of my feels shame and guilt for not even giving it a try. I've been so damn high in emotional stress that My heart wasn't even open to receive.