Questions seeking answers

 Okay I need to write this down so I can better understand and ask Stephanie.

Last night, Creighton said his needs were not being met and ha first asked is there was a chance for being intimate. ( we have not been intimidate for a few weeks, and it’s honestly been hard to communicate with him during a lot of the last few weeks. We’ve and I’ve had 2 really hard moments where I’ve spiraled and felt hurt)

While it was more of a plea than a “I’d really love to connect with you”, I just didn’t have it in me. I didn’t. I said, that I needed emotional connection first and we haven’t had that.

Creighton  spools off into… I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and let you go to the temple with Lily and I gave you a hug and … gave me all the things he’s done. (guess what? I did the dishes too today!  I spent 2 hours cleaning the kitchen earlier). I said now I feel pressured. And that’s not how o want to go into it. 

One that really got me was about Lily- that was about her. I as a mom recognized a really important moment in her spiritual life of going to the temple for the first time. I figured out how to get her temple recommend printed. And yes Creighton could have gone if he said it were really important to him. But we decided I should. And it was a good thing to show her how to wear the jumpsuit and use the locker and the process after he could not have done. That’s not a reason to make love with Creighton because “he let me”. And that really turns me off. It feels really off. And I feel frustrated about that. My feeling is that he would do better to feel grateful to have a wife who prioritized her daughter over what she needed that night. And I’m grateful I did and I feel hurt he used it at a reason i needed to be intimate with him. 

The other part that feels “off” and is a turn off to me- he mumbled about it during a movie with kids, right in front of them. I don’t remember the exact words. But about how this is a need that I’m not Caring about his needs. More of a complaint. I focused on I feel statements and it didn’t escalate. I still felt a strong of it though. A heaviness in my lower chest. 

Fast forward to after getting kids to bed. I was working on my charts  ( still feeling hurt, but on my guard because I recognize this is not the rational Creighton that can be there with me) he said how he felt- I listened. He feels hurt because my work is more important than him… the dolphin, the foot zone classes, or foot zone… but in reality I haven’t learned something new for a very long time and this is my trying to earn income. If complained about him working he’d feel hurt about how he’s earning income.. hello! I’m not trying to cause him to feel less important- there’s a deeper thing going on and I’m in freeze mode at this moment. 

He says he’s going to bed right after looking at the phone with Lily.. fine spend time with her. Go for it. But gets more down about me not being intimate. My gut is screaming “there’s no way”. It feels like a teenager is coming out and I’m his mom. I do going to receive  massage: and a key right for me is - just be willing to just be with me without expecstions) 

In the bedroom I asked if he was widowed, what would he do? He said he’d just get married. It would make the most sense. And there was so little regard for me as his wife. The last time he talks to me about it- I tell him, I feel hurt and I’m still recovering from my low earlier this week. I currently do not feel safe” and that frustrated him and he went into the room. He mumbled “you don’t feel safe” and walked away. 

I know he’s hurting and physically feeling the need for it: and I feel that he has little disregard for me. 

This doesn’t feel right. It’s a big turnoff and it feels off. My heart was racing and I felt and still feel the big small vortex of of yucky energy on my chest. Am I in the wrong? 

God, I know he has some physical needs in the area and it’s healthy to have a regular consistent sex life. I’m just not there. I need incite. Because I feel like this behavior can feel Manipulative to me to do what he wants. Instead of being out of connection it’s this lust for it instead. And that feels icky to me. I need him to be my friend. That’s what Dr. deloney says: the marriages that make are those that are friends. 

My daughter, I see you and feel you. You both weren’t perfect. And you did the right thing. He needs to learn how to better handle this. I don’t want you to feel valued for just being intimate . And that’s how his behavior will

Lead if you allow this communication cycle to continue. You need to set up a boundary of what you will accept and not accept. “ I will not let you cause me to feel guilty for not feeling safe in this marriage. I will

Not be intimate in this type of energy. 

Fast forward to this morning. It was hard for me to hug him. I tried though. I prayed god would hold my tongue. I tried to be honest. He swore under his breath. And I broke again. He is hurting, I hear that. And he cannot handle it when he knows I’m hurting too. He gets into “I can’t express my emotions”. well he did and he was more than expressing his emotions this morning. What I do recognize is he is hurt by. I can hear that. But he is unable to hear that I’m hurting and focus on connecting. I should not have said that out loud that he comes across as desperate and teenager I deserve this energy. 

After this morning, I’m thinking about going to my parents house for a few days. Maybe a week. I can’t be home and I need space from this dynamic. It’s not healthy for me. It’s hurting me and it’s hurting my ability to be the mom I need to be. And my ability to earn money. I need time away from him I think. Really. I need out of this unhealthy cycle. The one that most people just don’t know.