New Year’s Eve 2020

 December 31 2020

Right now I am in the middle of a breakdown. And for the first time in awhile, I hate my life my marriage and what’s happening right now. I hate how impatient he can get and then not even recognize he’s acting  like a jerk and then get all hurt about it not feeling safe to express myself or talk to him. I’m In tears sitting my car uncontrollably  crying sitting in an whirlpool of grief.

And he thinks I’m just being judgmental. He has no idea the pain and grief I am in  and I don’t llanos the level of pain and grief he is in. This is not how a date is supposed to be. Dates are supposed to be a time to connect and bring more Ubuntu to the marriage while this “date” is tearing me and us apart. If a guy is genuinely respectful and kind and people are genuinely happy and can stay that way in marriage- it’s great for them and I am happy for them, but for me I don’t know what that feels like. 

He hurt my feelings yesterday and he hurt my feelings today. And the day before that I was way overdue in caring for my own needs. And I’m on my period. 

I know life is not always easy and it’s about how you get back up and keep trying- but it’s moments like this I want to run away and hide. And not get back up.  And sit in the grief and wallow in my sorrow. Maybe it’s just all this emotion that needs to our our because I don’t let it all out while I try and hold it together day after day after day- for my kids for Creighton for my clients, and all the responsibilities that have to get done. 

I do feel hated. And I’m tired of his impatience and raising his voice at me just because he is stressed. Having that 2 days a week to do my thing and take clients and have a business fills my soul. I need it for my mental and emotional health. It’s what keeps my mindset sharp. Because that is what I teach: emotional intelligence and a positive mindset- and working through the shitty feelings- sorry for the swearing- it’s just where I am at right now. And how to step out of it- perhaps this moment is just where I need to feel it and I need to let it all out. And I wish it’s err safe to let it out with him. But it’s not.  If it’s for nothing else- having a business keeps my mental health in check- 

I know there are people who love and care for me. Creighton can’t be one of them right now which I think is what hurts the most. I could have anything I need- which I think symphony of the cells would do me good. Dr. McIntire came out and talked to me-I feel out of sorts. 

He suggested deep breathing- in for in for 7- hold for 2- out for 7- hold for 2. I know I’ll be okay. It’s just all this emotion that needs to come out. And it’s intense. It’s really intense. 

We went home after going to the chiropractor office and it was miserable. There is not other word that describes that drive better. And being home, I cried off and on all day long in despair and hopelessness. I don’t know why it hit so hard today. But when I landed on the bottom. There was a new bottom. And I sank lower and lower and lower. My girls were especially sweet- bringing me plates with an orange a piece of bread and chocolate. 

I know Creighton is hurting  and I know I’m hurting. And where hurting so much that it’s separating us. It took me 3 hours to get out of my house with the despair that I felt. And I was losing it and being rude and disrespectful. And I swore and yelled the whole car ride to American fork at a pretend imaginary Creighton. I couldn’t my parents. I feel so alone. So I came to the temple. 

And here a quiet peace came to my soul. Even though I couldn’t get myself to pray. And even while I was yelling and screaming and swearing. In the quietness I could hear  “I know.. I know..” and I put Pandora on and the song  that came on was josh groban don’t give up. I don’t know if I can go home tonight. I feel so lost. I mean, I have had rough times and days but it’s awhile since it was to this extent. 

The song right now is you’re still you. Good songs. I like josh  groban. My heart feels like it was smashed into a million pieces. It’s not the New Year’s Eve I wanted to have- a pretty good year shattered by a stupid attempt for a date. And I’m not ready for 2021. I don’t even know how much I’ve eaten today. Prob not enough. I has some Mac and cheese, pancakes this morning, and snacked on chocolate.

Other song that came if was roads by Chris Mann. 

Here is what I’ve learned from today:

1. Don’t start if Creighton is feeling frustrated at all

2. It’s easier without him

3. I’ve got a whole lot more healing needed than I thought 

4. I hate not keeping promises to my girls

5. Crying at home doesn’t help me feel better when C is around 

6. I can’t trust Creighton to be vulnerable with my darkest thoughts and emotions 

7. I need better communication because that is destroying us right now 

8. I may feel like I am at the bottom- but there is always a lower bottom if I let myself get there 

9.  I lost sight of me today 

Dear god,

Where do I go from here? Today was so hard. And I feel alone. How I keep going or recover from here? 

My daughter,

I forgive you. I know your pain and it hurts me. None of this defines you. It was a moment. A moment you needed to go through to help you remember so you can help you other daughters. You already know, it’s not how far down you go, it’s how you get back up. One step at a time. You may feel alone and depressed and unmotivated- but this is not you and it will not last. 

God, how do I rise up from this? 

Daughter, 

One action at a time. What does your soul need? 

God, my soul  needs comfort. 

Daughter, then allow it to be given. Don’t close it off before I there’s can even give it to you. You have multiple people you can turn to but you’ve shut them off without giving them the opportunity not be there for you.

God, I feel like I’m so worthless and I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. 

Suzie, you need connection, that grows relationships and connection. Being alone won’t help you nearly as much as connecting. 

God, I do t want to bring my bad mood in. I don’t want to be vulnerable. How can I trust anyone? If my husband can’t be there, no one else can fill that void. 

Daughter, you wouldn’t let him. You let your emotions get in the way. And he is one person. 

God, but then I have to back HOME to him! And I can’t. I’ll get triggered all over again. 

I know.. but you don’t have to get triggered. 

God, just tell me what to do- I can’t promise I can do it though. 

Suzie, please trust me. Go to someone’s who you feel loved by. Get some healing through your parents. That’s why I gave them to you. 

Okay. 

So I did go over and opened up to my parents. I’m home now and it’s 1 am. It was quite an emotional day. I’m not spilling over with emotion but I am super exhausted. 

I hate my life right now

Like is SO hard. I hate Creighton's negativity. He is so  negative and I just can't be around him. He doesn't love me. He doesn't care about me. I don't want to know how he really feels. I am done. I want out. I don't like who he has become. I need to move on with my life. I cannot live my next ten years like this. I will not. It's too much and I am done. No more. I feel broken and shattered. I cannot have him in my life any more. Something needs to change because I am done. My heart cannot take anymore. I don't feel happy for safe around him. I can't resolve conflicts with him because he turns into a gas lighting complaining blaming  judging human being. And I will not stay in a relationship like this. This is a toxic marriage. And Part of my is angry that God didn't tell me not to marry him. Someone should have told me. But I made a choice because I couldn't say no and I was scarred. So I went for it and now look where I am at. 10 years married and we can't communicate any better. 

I don't know how to make this happen, but I need to make $5000 a month so that I can work full time and pay for day care. I'm scarred out of my mind of what a divorce will bring out of him. I would hope respect and dignity but I think he would be one of those bitter spouses who will do everything he can to take full custody. And use all my mistakes as an allaby. 

I want a sweetheart in my life, a best friend who I can talk to and turn to no matter what. I didn't want to be the one divorced, but I can't stay anymore. Its not safe. 

The way he handles stress is stuffing everything in and leaving it there. That's why his tone os always sharp- because he is emotionally stacked and he doesn't think to apologize an if he does its barely an apology. 

Money and marriage

 Marriage is so hard. I cannot tell you how much my heart is hurting. When someone gets married, its a huge celebration. But when you are young and excited to spend your life togther, you don't know the pain that can await you. For me, marriage has been my biggest mess, my hardest trial, and the most challenging thing I have ever done. Really. 

I have experienced more heart ache in marriage than I thought possible. This weekend was no exception. Every person has a money story. It doesn't matter who you are or where you grew up. You grew up with beleifs around money. And were you taught to properly manage it? I don't think so.        

This last weekend was really hard. It was excruciating for my heart. My husband has been really stressed out. He has been at his max. Before our 10 year anniversary, he was very cranky and it was difficult to talk about what we were going to do! TO even plan it with him. I felt alone in the fact that if something was going to happen, I had to make it happen. Which I did. We went ziplining and it was fun! Then, we hike Stuart falls. And ate at Longhorn steakhouse. While it was an enjoyable anniversary, I cannot say it was a happy annivserary. honestly speaking. It was an anniversary. And its a reminder that the first 10 years have been very hard. We've had our ups and downs. But the downs feel like hitting rock bottom again. My hope is that this marriage works out. And at our 20 year anniversay, it is truly a celebration of thriving in marriage. 

Money has been a struggle in our marriage. I have worked on my money mindset a lot on the  last 2 years. We still have the cycle of getting more and it going back down. Creighton has a money story that comes up and its not a good one. He feels like no matter how hard he works, he can't have what he wants and he has to sell what he has to get what he wants. When this gets triggered, he is not available mentally and emotionally and becomes very snappy and cranky. This weekend, I felt that he took it out on me strongly. He blamed me for making him feel guilty with eating. I sat outside mt door telling myself that I deserve to be treated with love an respect, especially when my husband is upset. He shut down this weekend in his hurt, stress, frusrtation , and other feelings. He has got so much on his plate, more than he has to carry. My heart felt so so heavy yesterday. A weight that really dragged me down.      

While it was better today, I know one thing. I do not want this cycle to repeat over and over again. Carol TUttle said that we need to divorce out thoughts because we are projecting them. And its true. I am projecting neg thoughts. So I take ownership for that. Kirk DUncan said that we want to escape or die because we don't want to feel the pain. And that is only temporary. And when it gets so hard like it did, I want to escape and leave. anywhere, because I want to escape the pain. This is a reminder that every hard time can be a gift of experience where I can learn from it and be accountable for my own thoughts and reactions. May the next 10 years bring me new positive cycles that help me to thrive in marriage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 Covid-19 has been a bowl full of emotions from angry, frustrated, at peace, joy, and more. But right now, more than the stress of these political times is my marriage. Once again, Creighton is stressed and struggling. And he thinking I am judging him and controlling him with food, making him feel guilty. And that I am withholding sex. This is not the case for either. he can ea anything he wants. I won't stop him. But he has been quite judgmental with me and I feel wounded.He is taking feelings I had when I was feeling depressed last night and jabbing me in the face. He may have been nice about it last night, but today I saw a very different man. He has brought up the past so much today and used it as amo to justify how he was treating me. 

You know what I really think? I think he feels worthless and outof control. SO when I suggest something with food,, he triggered with guilt. And then blames me for making him for feeling guilty because he is unable to look inside and take accountability for his own thoughts and emotions. We will always be the victim until we take accountablity for what we feel and think. And at the same time, there are times when we absolutely need to express how we feel in a respsecful way. We we tear down and cross boundaries that hurt someone, we are hurting ourselves more. 

I take accountabiliy for my own thoughts and emotions. The feeling of being abandoned that I felt today was already inside of me. But it was triggered by something that normally wouldn't affect me, but I was emotionally stacked. I have been holding onto a lot and had a lot of walls up this past weekend. It didn't start with creighton. It started with stress fo school, time, money, time management, lack of organization, not getting enough sleep, parentingstruggles, and not getting done what I want. What tipped me when Creighton wanted me to intimate and started complaining how I feel this and that an said many judgmental things that hurt my feelings. When I am sad, he mentions how about old pattens and how I will react and what I will do. He is manifesting struggle when he does this! Does he not see I am improving? or that I have the capability to improve?  That hurts when he sees me as this mean, judgy person, who is withholding sex. I am so much more than that! I am a queen and I will be treated llike a queen. I am royalty. And so is he. He just doesn't see it. 

 

Struggling entrepeneur

I have a good heart. An honest heart. And a loyal heart. I have learned so much over the past 10 years. Yet, somehow I forget that I have a message and what I have to share matters. I get stuck in this emotional state that I don't have anything to share. And that's simply not true. Yet, I feel it! I have been wanting to do a live video and I cannot get myself to do it. I don't want to sound boring or awkward. I want to be charismatically me. And I often think about how people see it on the other side- who would really want to listen to me? Am I really making any sort of difference? I really don't know. I don't know how to really overcome being "mechanical and stiff" with my speaking. Its not my forte. Yet, I don't want to need a spokesman. My heart is fearful of what others will think. What can I share that is really inspirational? 

Creighton came in and said I sounded like a robot. I am just trying to pull off the bandaid! Why is it so stinking hard for me to do a live??? A huge part of me wants to run and hide. People seem to like me better when I am not trying to promote a business. And I don't do it selfishly. I genuinely care about people. I hope that that's the message that gets across. I see so many fantastic opportunities and when people hear them from me, its like it doesn't matter. Its small and insignificant. Do people just not take me seriously or think that I don't care about them genuinely? I don't know. But I feel embarrased as I try to do a live. It's easier to sit back and do nothing. If I want to stay a "small business", keep doing what I am doing, which is:

• market on again off again
• don't do lives and when you do talk like a robot
• Let clients trickle in. Don't seek them
• Be indecisive
• Doubt yourself and your abilities 
• make desicions fearing failure or making wrong decisions

I feel so much anxiety- I think that is what it is at least. So much discomfort. And I feel a lack of peace. 

Covid-19 part 2

I journaled about covid-19 before in my personal journal, but I need it here too.
It has been over a month since we have been in "quarantine" or lock down. When all this started, the shelves in the grocery store have become empty. People were panicking over buying toilet paper, water, masks, and gloves. Costco even closed for a day or 2 because of people fighting.

We have been practicing "social distancing". And if you've been in a time where you have (and I am guessing you have because you are reading this), it has stopped everything. When it first started, I felt like everything was giving us a chance to reset and realize what is most important. And that is our families, and our health. It slowed everything down and or a time, it felt really nice. There have been warm days and cold days. I never could have predicted a world pandemic that affected the entire world. And it HAS! I felt peaceful. I was optimistic. Especially when I listened to Kirk Duncan about managing your emotions. He talked about how if we don't adapt, then we will go into a collapse, how the will not go back to the way it was. It will be forever changed. If we don't know how to release emotions and then stuff them down, they will stack up to the point where can't even think clearly. He said to expect new symptoms in women and children in a few months.

Here is a list of everythng that has shut down:

• Schools: School has gone online- for everyone. This mean that moms who work from home now have to school their children. It adds a stressor of how to balance time. It can also be a blessing. And for me personally, its challenge! Especially with resistent strong willed children who are finding heir voice. 
• gyms: My outlet is gone. This really helped my sanity. Having some place to bring kids so i coud take care of me. And i had friends and it has affected my social outlet. 
• libraries: The kids loved going there and I could get work done
• events of any kind: I had tons of events planned and many of my entrepeneur friends. This affects the business they get. 
• church: There hasn't been church meetings for a whole month. Did I mention the trumpet fell off of Moroni on the Salt Lake City temple during the first earth quake? We are doing church at home. And I receognize how much of a blessing that Come follow me came a year in advance so we would have practice using it! Thank you God and thank you President Nelson for carrying out his work. 
• piano lessons ( they have gone virtual which does not work for Lily)- It was a stress anyway. Its better for our relationship to not add this in anyway. 
• playgrounds: my kids outlet to ust play. gone. They have been riding bikes, scooters, and playing outside. They know the virus as the monster. This has been a hard one. 
• jumping places: Does not affect me personally too much, but for those that own it and work there... thy are losing money. 
• exercise studios: No one can gather. This is affecting everyone.

This is affecting every business. Businesses are having to close their doors. Sales are dropping. Businesses that rely on events had severely lost income. This is affecting families globally. We were given stimulus checks from the government and that has helped. I am truly grateful. But how long can stimulus checks and unemployment payouts really help? 

When it affects income, it affects families.  When it affects families, it affects how parents FEEL, which affects how children FEEL. And when you have young kids or multiple kids you all of a sudden have to home school- that's not easy. When they are resisitant to do it, it makes being a loving parent so mjuch harder.  For me personally, I have felt like the bad guy because I am trying to get my daughter to do her work. I become "mean", and and I concerned about her. She has become very distant with me, has been hurting her sisters, been very rude with me and her sisters, and that's not who my Lily is. I take accountability for how I have treated her. It just hurts. I wanted to cry. I did cry this week. I wanted to give up on being a mom. I was done. To have kids who thought that of me made my heart so sad and depressed. I wanted to hide in bed and disppear. 

I almost feel like I am bi-polar. Now, i really don't know if I am or not. And if I am that would explain why I feel good or not good. But, every day is a new day. Depending on how I do my self- care it can end up pretty good or really bad. And the hardest struggle is school and finding time to do my work. Logically, it should be more easy. and it is not. On top of that, Creighton just bought a motor cycle for $6000 and not needs tires, breaks, and exhaust. another $1000. WHy can't we just have money SIT in the back for more than a few days? Is that too much to ask for? It makes me sick that he wants to spend more money. His car could have been paid off. I really wanted to pay off debt. And the phone calls= when do I have time to do them? I don't even know. 

I know I have  a lot to be grateful for. I am grateful that we are healthy. That we are not struggling financially currently. That the sun has been out more. That Rachel Henrickson is my friend! That River is just so darn cute. That Iris can ride a pedal bike. That the kids can play outside. That I get to sleep in a little longer. That I have friend who I can call. That River is sleeping right now. That I have had a reset. 

Covid-19 part 1

This is my most recent FB post and I want this saved in a place to remember how I felt. 

This easy to sit back and watch everything happen. I feel as though I have been hiding. We don't see the day to day of what other people experience. Some people or should I say MANY people...?

Some people have been hit hard with the financial stress
Some people have been hit hard with illness
Some people have been hit hard with depression and anxiety
Some people are really affected by the isolation with young kids
Some people are really struggling with schooling their kids from home on top of managing all the other things
Some people are struggling as the nurses who are working with a mask all the time.
Some people are thriving in spite of the challenges they are facing
Some people absolutely need the social interaction
Some people are empathic in that they feel what others are feeling
Some people are fueled by fear and panic
Some people trust the CDC
Some people don't.
Some people sit back quietly struggling
Some people are really reaching out and helping as many people as possible
Some people won't go out without a mask and gloves in fear
Some people refuse to wear a mask...

Honestly, I have felt 10 of these. And to be perfectly honest, I don't feel like the government is telling us everything. And I see history repeating itself in some ways. I won't wear a mask. Granted I am not a nurse and I don't work at the grocery store. I refuse to give into the fear that is being projected. Fear is an energy or a frequency- when we allow ourselves to be consumed by it- it lowers out immune systems. I did really will the first few weeks with feeling at peace during the panic and fear with the pandemic. But the last 2 weeks, I started to feel angry about it. Angry about the schools closing, the events being canceled, the jobs being layed off, the social distancing, my kids not being able to play with other kids, my messy house. I will not let this sit andd stew, because then emotions stack up.

When emotions stack up, its hard to feel peace. Peace turns to chaos. It then affects how we speak. Then it affects how we think. And if we are not careful, it affects how we connect to to God.

In Mosiah, King Benjamin said this, "if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in your faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye much perish. And now, O man, remember and perish not".

When it says perish, what does that mean? Why would we perish anyway? I think our spirit perishes from lack of peace and love. It perishes from not living a high vibration life. Every word and every thought hold a vibration for good or for bad. Thoughts create emotions. And thoughts thought enough create beliefs. Beliefs create actions.

We act according to our belief, not what we know. Have you ever believed something you knew was not necessarily true? I am concerned how the social distancing is going to affect us months and years from now. the beliefs that are being adopted, that will play a role in how connect with others, when there is no pandemic. Right now, connect! Connect to God or your source and ask who needs you today. And connect with that person. So that the virus of fear, anger, depression, and anxiety are halted.

I am not sitting here thinking I am doing everything right. Because I have my challenges too! Frankly, the last couple weeks have been hard. I miss my daughters going to school and having that social outlet. I can choose to grow from this and so can you.

Since the last big fight, I have been doing okay. And I can only say okay because I have not had the fire and motivation that I had before. My heart feels sad. I am lacking in the self-assurance of knowing who I am and my purpose again.
In fact, what is coming up is appearance. I don't feel beautiful. I believe with all my heart that beauty comes from within. It is the glow and brightness that shines from the eyes. And it is demonstrated in one's posture. And while I KNOW that, I am finding myself to be so critical of myself. Specifically with my head being "small". I feel plain looking. I remember as a child, roughly late elementary or Jr High complaining on my mom's bed about how I had a shrunken head. And my poor mom not knowing how to respond. I was so insecure in Jr. High. Kids used to make fun of me, calling my name over and over again. I would hide in the bathroom. I prayed everyday for a friend. And somehow I didn't recognize how I needed to be the friend to those who were also lonely. I am thinking of Amber Deegan. She was mde fun of too. And there were times that I participated.
I just ent to the training to be a trainer for Imperium Rubicon and one of the girls- Sarah who I think exuberates wisdom and beauty kept saying how "cute" I was. Cute like you would say how cute a puppy dog is or a baby animal. I didn't know how to respond.  It's like okay, thank you I think. I just don't know what that means.
Tonight I've been binging on organic fruit bars. I've made good meals today and cleaned, yet I still feel so hopeless.

Monday the 16th:
I feel so frustrated. One of the things that makes me so mad is how Creighton is either 100% all in on something or 0%. Its all or nothing. For example, because he got discouraged how 'his' plan didn't work out, he is giving up on paying debt. He constantly complains about having a car payment, and wants to use the $975 for a motorcycle. That is about 5 months worth of car payments. It feels really selfish to me.
I am a look at t he big picture kind of person. And he has one thing going through his mind all day long and right now it motorcycles. He got discouraged because I didn't "seem" 100% on board with what 100% looked to him. I honestly feel hopeless  because I can't express how what I am really thinking and feeling. Because if I do, there will be some big blow up in our relationship. And then it forces me to play small. This is the ONE huge liffe challenge that I can't share with the world because it would hurt creighton. I can't even share it with him. Because he is off in his own depression hyperfocused on motorcycles, and holds on to the belief that no mattter how hard we works, he can't get what he wants. He is looking for self-care. I get that. But he is not being smart. He could sell his dirt bike for $3000 and and we could pay $900 of that paycheck to the car and the remaining balance would be like $2000. Then we could realistically pay off his car in the next 6 months! But what matters most is that he wants a motorcycle.
In my throat chakra, there was holding back, biting tongue, anger afraid to speak, fear of saying something wrong. I am sure he is feeling the same thing. But seriously, this sucks! My heart can't take it anymore. This marriage really does feel loveless. I really don't understand why God just didn't answer me. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a clear answer. For a direct answer knowing, but not knowing how much, a marriage decision would affect my life. Marriage has been THE hardest struggle in my life and I don't want to struggle like this for another 10 or 20 years. I want the trial to be over. I've learned SO many lessons. Haven't I learned enough?

On top of that, there are so many directions I am bring stretched. It has felt like too much. But somehow even as I am writing this, I picture the toy parachute that is stretched in many directions and if it is not, than it falls. SO maybe that is why I am so stretched. But the thing is, I have always felt this. even with friends. I have always had this pull of wanting to be friends with everyone- and feeling like I couldn't mix them. And as a result, the pull with all them or the bond I should say was weaker. Could it be that i do need all of them to actually be balanced?

The biggest thing I want to do is create my own modality. That is one thing I do know. But about my marriage, that's where I feel really stuck. Either something needs to change, or I need to make a change. I know I have been putting effort into healing ME for years. I don't think Creighton is. I have taken charge of taking care of me, and loving myself, though I am not quite there yet. I now can acknowledge what I feel and not be hard on myself. That is a gift. I know the importance of self-care and a routine, though at times I fall out of it. I love the metaphysical world, the pesonal development world, the energy work world, the birth world, and I am combining them. I also have a desire to become and expert in personal and business finances.

I often feel timid with other people. And other times I feel confident. ANd other times I make myself look confident by sitting up straight. I don't know what people's imporessions are of me at first and that is something I want to know. I know in my head that my looks don't matter. And neither does my voice. that is my own self-judgment that has not been serving me and it has taken me 30 years to understand that. I know I am young and I have learned a lot. There is so much more to learn.

After another difficult conversation with Creighton, I have decided that I am no longer going to push him into trying to pay off his car. He has ben complaining about having a care payment and I'm done. He's not willing to do the work. Once again. He doesn't take into consideration the taxes and fees and every month and how much he'll actually be saving. So instead. I am going to put all my extra money into paying off my debt. Because, honestly, I don't know how long this is going to work. So If I can get ME debt free. That's a start.

April 19th
Things have gotten better. Creighton is not so depressed and negative right now. I appreciate that so much. He is helping with the kids more. Nothing being open is hard on everyone.

self-discovery and acknowledgement of a struggling but determined entrepeneur

I have been working as an entrenpeneur for 8 years! When I didn't know much, I struggles less than I struggle now. But, I was driven! I had a passion and I knew what I was meant to do. And people found me and I don't know how. It was amazing.

Fast forward to 2018. Juniper was a year old. And I felt this impression I needed to get Infusionsoft. So I did. And what that pushed me to do was create a website and start scheduling appointments again. I created Balance For Birth. I even had a table at the energy healing conference and wow that was a growing experience.

Fall of 2018 I signed up for the Confident Coaching Academy with Kuschla Chadwick. And I gained some valuable skills of interviewing people, doing mini-coaching calls, starting to create programs. I got really close with some people. REALLY close. After 3 months of non-stop calls and not making much, I fell. Meaning, I lost the energy and drive. At the same time, I became pregnant with River and the pregnancy used my extra energy.

What kept me going was going to Tammy Ward's retreat Feb 2019. And then April 2019. I met so many amazing like-minded people. The networking and resources  alone made the money worth it. It was also such a huge healing experience. I started having help with my website from the amazing Sarah- and did not have the funds to continue it.

Thanksgiving, I went on a FB event and talked about foot zoning and found one of my favorite clients.
December before Christmas of 2019, I went to a yoga class and met Rachel Hendrickson. Creighton bought us childcare for January and that boosted me. And it helped kindle a strong friendship with Rachel. I could see from the beginning that she is a force to be reckoned with. And I could feel the struggle. There were days that I felt so down.

I had my baby Last June and I knew I needed to slow down. I kept going anf going up until the day I gave birth. I had a full day planned that day- and my sweet baby boy graced this world with a resounding, "I cannot wait anymore". I took about 2 months to recover. But did some sessions here and there. Rachel and I were texting and she suggested we start doing workshops. And we did! Together it always came together so well! We did 5 workshops in a row every month. That is experience that is precious. The workshops where I felt drained and the ones I felt alive. The only difference- self-care the day of. We did these workshops out of our houses. The first one, we only had 2 people. But we rocked it. And we kind of collided and joined the same path.

We joined the Kyngdom Organizer, which fell right into our laps. After February 2020, we decided to make them quarterly with monthly zoom meetings. Then just quarterly. And we are discovering  what we are to do. What our individual missions are. We went to Julie Maye's retreat and she attracts people. And sometimes I feel like the shadow that goes unnoticed. But at the same time, I am finding my voice. I am using my voice. I will be heard. That is something I am progressing with. I figured out what my mission is. To create my own healing program. with a general certification followed by a Birth worker cetification. There is no one who can or will do  this like me. That became really clear.

The toughest part is making it all happen. Because I feel the resistance. Not only am I making charts, I am going to be writing a manual. Its basically a big book. I have 4 kids ages 6, 4, 2, and 8 months now. The biggest challenge has been time and having a proper workspace. I am in this phase of life where I am surrounded kids. And I love my kids. But I also lose it with them too. One for of resistance is doubting my capabilites  when I see others doing what i want to do. or even what I am doing already. Their events, speaking opportunities, social media engagement, coaching programs, names of their groups. Its getting to me. I feel defeated. How do I possibly make this all happen? There is a time and a flow. How do I live up to my highest potential?

I know what I need to do in a day, but with a cute boy who hasn't been sleeping the best schedule, I also get tired and sleepy. My heart feels depressed and discouraged. So many women who came to elizabeth's mothers blessing shows so much and they were so incitement and so gifted. It caused me to doubt my gifts.

I still move forward one step at a time. I can do this. With God, anything is possible.

Dear God,

How do I keep going? I do i make it tomorrow? Why should I keep trying? It doesn't get easier. Creighton is just as much of a jerk as he used to be. He hasn't changed. Not really. He is still unsatisfied, negative, and disrespectful. More than that, he is teaching the girls to be disrespecful. My heart is aching. Lily and Iris wer pauching and mocking my pain. Maybe not intentionally and they probably didn't know howw to deal with the conflict. But it still hurt. Where were you? Why didn't you stop it? This was a TERRIBLE night. I acknowledge I messed up too. I said terrible things and kicked and bit C. He kepy pushing my buttons when I was past my limit over and over again. It makes me not want to be a wife or mom or anything like it. I feel alone and abandoned. Is it the right time to leave this marriage?

Dear Suzie,

It is not the right time yet. It can get better. That's why we have the atonement. So your past can be the past. THe only thing you can change is the future. Your daughters don't understand. Please don't personalize it. You can talk to them tomorrow.

Pregnancy #4

I found out I was pregnant shortly after the Art of Mentoring. I realized I was 2 weeks late for my period, which had been regular for about 6 months. There were about 4 times that we were not careful with the pulling out method before that. And in that short time I got pregnant. I do not know the instance I got pregnant, but I do know  that i wasn't ready on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level. Like normal, my marriage was struggling, but this time it was REALLY struggling. Which made the finding out even more difficult to take in. I didn't tell C creatively because I was being more honest with him, and I didn't tell him right away because there didn't seem to be a 'good' time  where he wasn't stressed out. But when he asked, I told him.

I was in an emotional state of disbelief and denial. I couldn't even face the fact that I was pregnant. So I told not one, well almost no one. I told Laurel Higgins, a girl in my ward. And Creighton accidently leaked it to his mom. I hadn't even had an ultrasound. Or midwife appointment. She kept asking about it, but I didn't really want to talk about it much. I told my family on Christmas day through a present, and it got mixed up with Tami's gifts so it was confusing for my family. Even that was hard for me. How long can one keep this in? I am pretty sure I could have kept it secret fom my family months longer.

Part of the reason I didn't want to tell people is because they would be more excited than ME. And I know so many people struggling to get pregnant, I don't want to trigger emotions in them. And at the same time, I should not let that down play the joy that I cold feel, but I have done that. It took me a few months just to accept the fact that I was pregnant. A big part of this what that it wasn't MY plan or MY timing. I had things I wanted to do and accomplish, and I didn't see how I could make that happen. Also, I wanted to get the metal out of my elbow while it was covered under insuarnce. or so I thought. And how am I going to be a mother of 4 kids? Handle that I mean. How am I going to arrange the sleeping? Putting Junie in the girls room sounds like a terrible idea  because being n her own room makes it so much easier to put her to bed.

In early December, Creighton vomitted  his can of worms on me in the car. And it was not good. I got home feelng shattered. and broken. Eveything was falling apart. I was. My marriage was. ANd I was 10 weeks pregnant or something like that. How could I possibly be ahppy and joyful about being pregnant? Then in January, there was yet another incident. The state a marriage can most definitely impact how one feels about a pregnancy. I know first hand.  In December and January, you still couldn't tell I was pregnant. It wasn't obvious to the eye, so most people didn't know. I don't announce it.

January rolled into February way too fast. I think the moment I truly accepted it and it felt real was seeing the 19 week ultrasound. Seeing the baby move and turn an open its mouth.  Even then, I could tell, but it was easy to hide because it was winter and my winter coat hid the PG very well. It was in Feb that  people could kind of tell, but didn't often ask in fear of being rude.

Right now, its the middle of MArch. And it is not hidable. I am 25 weeks pg, and not ready at all to give birth. Not emotionally, not mentally, not visually. How I am going to pay for the birth? I don't even know that.

Another Crappy night

And it happened again. Another crappy day. Another reason to want to die. Another reason to hate and resent. Another reason to give up. I hate my husband with all of my heart. I hate him so much. I hate everything about him. He is a poiece of shit and I'm done. He is the worst person I know. I don't want to be alive and I don't want to be in this marriage.

He manipulated my kids into feeling unsafe. I was only trying to **TALK* to them. And he kept telling me to stop. They were mocking me. While I was crying. They were laughing and repeating everything being said. while I was crying and creighton was defending them. I kept telling him to give me space. And he wouldn't. Yet, because I was the one acting psychotic, he won't own up to anything he did. I hate everything about him. He kepy telling me to stop talking to them and that made me MORE angry and more upset. He kept pushing my buttons and I hate him for it.

I did lose it. I know I did. I kicked him and I bit him. But he was terrible to me. He didn't give a rat's ass about me. He had ZERO empathy or compassion at all. He pretends to care. How does he not realize that since he came home, he was constantly on his phone- not helping with dinner, not helping get the table set, not helping get the girls to the table while I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of all 4 kids, trying to get the table set, getting the girls ready for bed, teeth brushed while he was staring at facebook. Why couldn't he even acknowledge that he wasn't helping and it would be frustrating.  He "loves" the quality of humility. Yet, he is the least humble person I know. And I hate him for that.

Juniper was the only person in the house that showed me an ounce of love. With the exception of River. But River is just a baby and this time, it doesn't count. because I needed some love from my daughters and my husband. But I got mocked. By my 6 and 4 year old. And that hurts. They were laughing about my pain. And Creighton allowed that. Right now, River is crying and I don't have what it takes to help him. I am crying and watching a movie. I missed my coaching call because of this crap. I don't want to help him now. He is crying and he needs me, but I don't have it in me. The hurt and worthlessness I feel inside is overwhelming.

There is this huge part of me that want to just disappear. Not be alive. Its moments like these that I would rather be gone because my family would be better off without me. Lily and Iris would be better off. And Creighton sure as hell would be better off. Why even keep trying? He obliously doesn't recognize how much I do. Because when I don't, people get neglected. The kids don't get a proper meal. They  don't get outside time. They have a parent who is not of the phone. He is hardly emotionally available. He basically disappeared.

I don't know if I will be able to recover from this. And I don't know if C will be able to recover from this. I was to not see him at all. I want him out of my life. I feel angry and upset. And I want to give up. I really hate how C mocked how I was "being so positive". Its like he forgets I am human. I do not claim to be perfect. And part of what I teach is being okay with the emotions you feel. TO not hate yourself for feeling. That even in the mistakes, We are still 100% loveable. Even if I act like a psychotic, I am still loveable and worthy of love and compassion. That will not change. I have never claimed to be perfect and its not just about being "in control" of my emotions. Its so much more than that.

I sit here in the couch and no netflicks show looks appealing. I am wrapped in  blanket. My toes are still cold and my arms are cold. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to be near C. I would do better if her weren't here right now. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I don't know why the girls were laughing at my pain. Where did they learn that? How could they? After all that I do. A huge part of me want to stop being a mom. Just leave and then everyone will appreciate me. Disappear. poof. I am gone. The other thing I teach is that every experience can be a GIFT. And I ask myself, how can this particular experience be a gift? How can I find gratitude in the moment? The only things I can think of to be grateful for is that everyone is asleep and at least for now, I can escape C's negative judgment of me and the girls not wanting to talk to me. And River's soft energy. And the fact that Juniper gave me love. Other than that, I don't know. Perhaps, I can see this as a gift later. But for now, its just a shitty night. And that's okay if I feel that. But I need to live what I teach. I care of about myself even if I feel this way.

I pray and hope that River is not like C. That he may actually live humble, kind, and coompassionate. That Lily and Iris learn the art of empathy and compassion. That my kids have a better marriage, a happy marriage built on love and respect, no pornography. That they be treated like queens at all times, married in the church or not. My heart is depressed. I am tired but I don't want to sleep by C. No way. Not after tonight. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.