Letter to my younger self

 Dear 23 and 24 yo Suzie, 

I know you are confused. And I know you want to do the right thing and that you feel really conflicted. I know you are trying your best. I want you to know the feelings you are having are perfectly normal, especially with what you at experiencing. What you are experiencing in marriage was toxic and unhealthy. That’s why you feel this way. You didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. You didn’t know who to turn to. It’s a big step for me to forgive you for that because I was you. And courage is something you have but you don’t see it because you are feeling stuck and have a lot of fear. I want to for you, my younger self. It’s not really your fault because no one talked to you about this, not directly the way you needed. 

To be honest, the older version of you still feels the hopelessness you felt,  but less often and you will still accomplish great things on your life. And god will provide you with the people you need at the right time. He will send angels to you in challenging times when you feel so broken that you can’t bear it. You will have 5 amazing children by the time you are 40 and they are worth all the struggle you have felt. You will learn many lessons that will bless the lives of other people because of the affliction you suffered. Because while you felt and feel conflicted in a toxic cycle, you also rise up and do what needs to be done and overcome  one trial at a time. 

I often feel like I failed you, and I’m sorry. You had such high hopes and dreams for how you wanted your life to be. I still feel the sting of regret, and I also am aware of how great God has been to me. Also know this, though they are unknown m, there would have been great challenges had you taken a different path in life. 15 lears later, you are still on the greatest path leading to our savior Jesus Christ. Angels have surrounded and will continue to do so you in the most heart-wrenching moments. 

The world has had some crazy things happen. And you will expand into a leader that others look up to, not because of your future accomplishments, but because of who you are. You will have amazing a healthy births that will shape you and how you Nivea yourself, your body, and what’s possible. You have the ability to be so in tune with your body that people look up to you, and they see more in you than your body. Pay no mind to those who doubt you, set those judgements aside. The ones who don’t see you are not the people for you. The ones who uplift you are the ones that fill you with peace and confidence. Though we thought we failed ourselves, you were on the path the whole time. And you are never alone 

LEssons Learned

 On Sunday, I was so hurt and so angry with Creighton. We both felt hurt and broken. He tried talking it out and sorting it out with me in the morning. I wasnt in a good place. I recognize looking back, that I did what he has done to me in the past. Gaslit me, and I did that to him after church on Sunday. I took his efforts and caused him to feel worthless and all the effort he did do as completely worthless. While I do beleive he was in a teenage state of pity, and shut down mode, I kicked him to the curb when he was down and hurting. I'm sorry. That one was on me. Yes I was hurting, but that doesnt make how I talked to him at his lowest right. I liked the Creighton who had drive better. Because he was showing up. Yes, I need to be able to bring up fears and concerns, and I also need to recognize what he is doing. And praise it. I regret tearing him down like I did. In the grand scheme of things and at the end of my life, would I regret not supporting him? Would I wish I didn't make such a big deal out of it? Proabably. 

Here is the wisdom I've gained. Build him up, and schedule a time to talk about the hard, but even in the hard, praise him for what he is doing. I can be angry and hurt and recognise and state how he is doing a good job. I was focused on the past and I nee to process it enough to let him know the future isn't the past. I'm grateful for this lesson because I don't want to do what I did again. 

A good month to a bad day

 Its interesting. The last month I feel like has gone better. I've felt more connection, and more kindness, but also more motivation from creighton. The big thing and a couple small things are his obsession with motorcycles. He wants a motorcycle so badly and I think its all he thinks about. It irritates me. BUt more than that, it causes me high discomfort because I feel unsafe financially. I also have resentment because I supported Creighton $2800 for his first dirt bike, $7000 for his motorcycle, $1600 for his trials bike and the 3 trucks he bought. I just wish he already had those things so he would stop pining over them. 

What's worse for me is especially in the past he would take my encouragement to use funds better as breaking him down and taking away his hopes and dreams, like I'm a dream stealer. That's what hurts the most. That when I express it, it causes him to think that him spending money is "bad" and selfish. And my fear is based on the past, but I know I need to move forward. And me bringing up my fear only brought him to the past too. I feel angry that he shuts down when I need to address this things. I feel angry that days then end up like today, which was a version of hell. 

Now I just feel so much anger and hatred towards Creighton. I hate how he shuts down, and I myself shut down today. When this happens, I want to stop being a mom, stop cleaning, stop doing what i do. I want to give up myself. I wanted to die even. Its days like this I want to leave my marriage. Better to be single than have shitty days like today. Juniper asked if we were breaking up. It's not the first time she's asked. I know she worries about it. My heart is broken... again. 

I was thinking I wanted to try for another baby. but then this happened and I'm changing my mind. If creighton wants to get a motorcycle, and save up for a vacation, and a truck, and a fence, and the living room, it all adds up. And thats another thing. He wants to do the living room. I've always wanted built in shelving. He wants an enterainment center. I feel trauma from a year ago about it. I don't want to be a part of it. 

The foundation of my marriage is broken, and I was telling C that it needs to be mended for me to keep goning forward. Its not the right wording, but our relationship feels so broken! ANd I hate him for it and I feel angry at myself for not recognizing the flags and thinking 15 years ahead  for not making a different decision. I regret marrying creighton.