Struggling entrepeneur

I have a good heart. An honest heart. And a loyal heart. I have learned so much over the past 10 years. Yet, somehow I forget that I have a message and what I have to share matters. I get stuck in this emotional state that I don't have anything to share. And that's simply not true. Yet, I feel it! I have been wanting to do a live video and I cannot get myself to do it. I don't want to sound boring or awkward. I want to be charismatically me. And I often think about how people see it on the other side- who would really want to listen to me? Am I really making any sort of difference? I really don't know. I don't know how to really overcome being "mechanical and stiff" with my speaking. Its not my forte. Yet, I don't want to need a spokesman. My heart is fearful of what others will think. What can I share that is really inspirational? 

Creighton came in and said I sounded like a robot. I am just trying to pull off the bandaid! Why is it so stinking hard for me to do a live??? A huge part of me wants to run and hide. People seem to like me better when I am not trying to promote a business. And I don't do it selfishly. I genuinely care about people. I hope that that's the message that gets across. I see so many fantastic opportunities and when people hear them from me, its like it doesn't matter. Its small and insignificant. Do people just not take me seriously or think that I don't care about them genuinely? I don't know. But I feel embarrased as I try to do a live. It's easier to sit back and do nothing. If I want to stay a "small business", keep doing what I am doing, which is:

• market on again off again
• don't do lives and when you do talk like a robot
• Let clients trickle in. Don't seek them
• Be indecisive
• Doubt yourself and your abilities 
• make desicions fearing failure or making wrong decisions

I feel so much anxiety- I think that is what it is at least. So much discomfort. And I feel a lack of peace. 

Covid-19 part 2

I journaled about covid-19 before in my personal journal, but I need it here too.
It has been over a month since we have been in "quarantine" or lock down. When all this started, the shelves in the grocery store have become empty. People were panicking over buying toilet paper, water, masks, and gloves. Costco even closed for a day or 2 because of people fighting.

We have been practicing "social distancing". And if you've been in a time where you have (and I am guessing you have because you are reading this), it has stopped everything. When it first started, I felt like everything was giving us a chance to reset and realize what is most important. And that is our families, and our health. It slowed everything down and or a time, it felt really nice. There have been warm days and cold days. I never could have predicted a world pandemic that affected the entire world. And it HAS! I felt peaceful. I was optimistic. Especially when I listened to Kirk Duncan about managing your emotions. He talked about how if we don't adapt, then we will go into a collapse, how the will not go back to the way it was. It will be forever changed. If we don't know how to release emotions and then stuff them down, they will stack up to the point where can't even think clearly. He said to expect new symptoms in women and children in a few months.

Here is a list of everythng that has shut down:

• Schools: School has gone online- for everyone. This mean that moms who work from home now have to school their children. It adds a stressor of how to balance time. It can also be a blessing. And for me personally, its challenge! Especially with resistent strong willed children who are finding heir voice. 
• gyms: My outlet is gone. This really helped my sanity. Having some place to bring kids so i coud take care of me. And i had friends and it has affected my social outlet. 
• libraries: The kids loved going there and I could get work done
• events of any kind: I had tons of events planned and many of my entrepeneur friends. This affects the business they get. 
• church: There hasn't been church meetings for a whole month. Did I mention the trumpet fell off of Moroni on the Salt Lake City temple during the first earth quake? We are doing church at home. And I receognize how much of a blessing that Come follow me came a year in advance so we would have practice using it! Thank you God and thank you President Nelson for carrying out his work. 
• piano lessons ( they have gone virtual which does not work for Lily)- It was a stress anyway. Its better for our relationship to not add this in anyway. 
• playgrounds: my kids outlet to ust play. gone. They have been riding bikes, scooters, and playing outside. They know the virus as the monster. This has been a hard one. 
• jumping places: Does not affect me personally too much, but for those that own it and work there... thy are losing money. 
• exercise studios: No one can gather. This is affecting everyone.

This is affecting every business. Businesses are having to close their doors. Sales are dropping. Businesses that rely on events had severely lost income. This is affecting families globally. We were given stimulus checks from the government and that has helped. I am truly grateful. But how long can stimulus checks and unemployment payouts really help? 

When it affects income, it affects families.  When it affects families, it affects how parents FEEL, which affects how children FEEL. And when you have young kids or multiple kids you all of a sudden have to home school- that's not easy. When they are resisitant to do it, it makes being a loving parent so mjuch harder.  For me personally, I have felt like the bad guy because I am trying to get my daughter to do her work. I become "mean", and and I concerned about her. She has become very distant with me, has been hurting her sisters, been very rude with me and her sisters, and that's not who my Lily is. I take accountability for how I have treated her. It just hurts. I wanted to cry. I did cry this week. I wanted to give up on being a mom. I was done. To have kids who thought that of me made my heart so sad and depressed. I wanted to hide in bed and disppear. 

I almost feel like I am bi-polar. Now, i really don't know if I am or not. And if I am that would explain why I feel good or not good. But, every day is a new day. Depending on how I do my self- care it can end up pretty good or really bad. And the hardest struggle is school and finding time to do my work. Logically, it should be more easy. and it is not. On top of that, Creighton just bought a motor cycle for $6000 and not needs tires, breaks, and exhaust. another $1000. WHy can't we just have money SIT in the back for more than a few days? Is that too much to ask for? It makes me sick that he wants to spend more money. His car could have been paid off. I really wanted to pay off debt. And the phone calls= when do I have time to do them? I don't even know. 

I know I have  a lot to be grateful for. I am grateful that we are healthy. That we are not struggling financially currently. That the sun has been out more. That Rachel Henrickson is my friend! That River is just so darn cute. That Iris can ride a pedal bike. That the kids can play outside. That I get to sleep in a little longer. That I have friend who I can call. That River is sleeping right now. That I have had a reset. 

Covid-19 part 1

This is my most recent FB post and I want this saved in a place to remember how I felt. 

This easy to sit back and watch everything happen. I feel as though I have been hiding. We don't see the day to day of what other people experience. Some people or should I say MANY people...?

Some people have been hit hard with the financial stress
Some people have been hit hard with illness
Some people have been hit hard with depression and anxiety
Some people are really affected by the isolation with young kids
Some people are really struggling with schooling their kids from home on top of managing all the other things
Some people are struggling as the nurses who are working with a mask all the time.
Some people are thriving in spite of the challenges they are facing
Some people absolutely need the social interaction
Some people are empathic in that they feel what others are feeling
Some people are fueled by fear and panic
Some people trust the CDC
Some people don't.
Some people sit back quietly struggling
Some people are really reaching out and helping as many people as possible
Some people won't go out without a mask and gloves in fear
Some people refuse to wear a mask...

Honestly, I have felt 10 of these. And to be perfectly honest, I don't feel like the government is telling us everything. And I see history repeating itself in some ways. I won't wear a mask. Granted I am not a nurse and I don't work at the grocery store. I refuse to give into the fear that is being projected. Fear is an energy or a frequency- when we allow ourselves to be consumed by it- it lowers out immune systems. I did really will the first few weeks with feeling at peace during the panic and fear with the pandemic. But the last 2 weeks, I started to feel angry about it. Angry about the schools closing, the events being canceled, the jobs being layed off, the social distancing, my kids not being able to play with other kids, my messy house. I will not let this sit andd stew, because then emotions stack up.

When emotions stack up, its hard to feel peace. Peace turns to chaos. It then affects how we speak. Then it affects how we think. And if we are not careful, it affects how we connect to to God.

In Mosiah, King Benjamin said this, "if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in your faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye much perish. And now, O man, remember and perish not".

When it says perish, what does that mean? Why would we perish anyway? I think our spirit perishes from lack of peace and love. It perishes from not living a high vibration life. Every word and every thought hold a vibration for good or for bad. Thoughts create emotions. And thoughts thought enough create beliefs. Beliefs create actions.

We act according to our belief, not what we know. Have you ever believed something you knew was not necessarily true? I am concerned how the social distancing is going to affect us months and years from now. the beliefs that are being adopted, that will play a role in how connect with others, when there is no pandemic. Right now, connect! Connect to God or your source and ask who needs you today. And connect with that person. So that the virus of fear, anger, depression, and anxiety are halted.

I am not sitting here thinking I am doing everything right. Because I have my challenges too! Frankly, the last couple weeks have been hard. I miss my daughters going to school and having that social outlet. I can choose to grow from this and so can you.