A glimpse of hope

 So I was lead to call on a friend to better understand the patterns I've experienced in my marriage. I've felt so crazy and psychotic. ANd unloved and misunderstood. So I called Nikki Lemon, who has had 2 marriages and experienced so much! And now is in a much healthier relationship . 

She helped me understand that we are in an abusive pattern around conflict. Some of it has been on my end- like I have put blame on Creighton at times and yelled and swore. And he has also played a really big role in this pattern. It makes sense why Ive felt so unconfident and insecure and unsure of myself. But now that I have this understanding, like a clear understanding- Its something I can no longer allow to happen to me and I can no longer do the behaviors that contribute to it. If it can't change, or he won't, and I am changing- that is when this marriage can no longer continue. I am also starting therapy. So I am hoping that will also help. We will see how I like this lady tomorrow. 

I need a root canal!!

 This is something I never in my life wanted to experience. I watched my dad growing up working on patients. And My gums ached watching him. Kind of like the front gums ache now. The question is, why am I SOO fearful of the root canal I NOW know my tooth needs???

I don't want a root canal because it takes so darn long. At least that's my perception. the needle. THE needle. The vulnerability dentistry requires. I mean. I did what I felt was the best things to help my teeth this year. but I guess I was wrong, or The wrong person worked on my 2 cavities that got fixed. I loved going to the dentist for years, because all I needed was a teeth cleaning. Blast spring, I had a tooth filled and a metal filling changed. I don't know what's worse, keeping the metal filling or changing it out.  But now I know for sure that fixing the filling a month ago caused me to need a root canal! I thought i was making a good decision to take good care of my teeth. SO... I feel frustrated! ANd angry. And I am angry and upset with creighton on top of it. I feel freaking alone and isolated. The last 3 days have been hell. mostly the last 2 days. 

And it feels so inconvenient. 1 hour there, 2 hours to work on my tooth, and 1 hours home. 4 hours. 4 precious hours. I could have had this done Saturday, but the amount of emotional toxic stress I was under, I couldn't do it. The amount of disbelief I had also contributed to that. plus the fact that my dad said, "damn it you are so stubborn, just like bonnie".  And when I pushed the needle away, I didn't mean to but he got upset and threw it. 

Lets just add, its been hell at home too. I felt so isolated with the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the aloneness because of Creighon's responses. Ugh. Its been awful.  I don't feel peace with getting it, but now I know I need it. WHy am I lacking so much peace?

Start of the book- I am Done

 I am done with catring to others needs. I am done letting others manipulate me. Have you heard the phrase, "I'm sick and tired of being sock and tired"? Most people don't take the steps necessary to stop being "sick and tired" until it becomes too much.