I have so much anger. I feel so irritated. I also feel unloved. There's something that is very triggering for me. I think what it is happening is that I absorb all of creighton's emotions and I feel them extremely big. It becomes too much for me to handle. And I don't think that he realizes houch it affects me. And I don't think he realizes the vibes he sends out.
I don't know if my perceptions are correct, but i feel so much irritation from him. And i realize that I have been people pleasing because of fear in how he will respond. The walking on egg shells, and encouraging the kids to do the same. For example, today I went to yoga because my shoulder felt tweaked, and i got groceries. I came home and c wanted to leave right away for the lake. I still needed to put the groceries away. NAtrually i got there later. He was pressing us toleave when he wanted. And i really wanted to stay. But ileft because of fear in how he would respond. When I did get home, I told him i didnt feel like i should go. So I stayed, but it feels like our communcation overall is strained. Almost every conversation. It makes very hard for me to communciate. It feels like there is conflict that cannot be resolved.
And it causes me to enjoy time with my kids less. I honestly become more irritable. I feel a high poolof frustration within me. Right now, its pretty still but there. But having a conversation with C it could boil very easily. I cant help but feel that he stayed at his moms house to avoid me. I know his health is struggling. I know he is exhausted. I know he is trying to get us out of debt, and trying to get the garage done and all the hours he can. But he is lacking in all selfcare. He is mistreating his body and its been telling him through a varietyof symptoms. And I fear that He may not be around to see hiskids grow up, that his quality of life will continue to decrease. Will he live to see Canyon be 18 years ol or graduate from high school? He cant keep a high quality lifeliving on raman, pizza, and ice cream. And no exercise. He's not getting the nutrients.
I still struggle to tell him everything and be open with him. How can I be open sexually when Communication is so poor? the disconnection between us makes my heart sad. And angry. And I feel like he doesnt see everything I do. How much I do for Canyon. I wake up for him at night, all the kids really. Its because of me that he is thriving. I make sure the kids get nutrition. I keep the kitchen clean. And my capacity to do all Iwant is limited.
