Suicide

 In mid August, i started muscle activation with a chiropractor at Eric's office. I can't say I felt totally right about the decision to work with him, but I do know that it helped, not necessarily all the way to total healing with my wrist and hand, but it did help with getting muscles working that were not working before. 

I had several appointments, and I remember being very talkative at the beginning, and he was a good listener. But didn't converse a lot with me. He also reminded me to breathe and gaveme other incites that I felt were iportant. I would often say - *This is preparingme for birth* because the pain of the tight areas would be so incedibly intense. And I had to focus on just breathing. I recognized that by working with him, where I unconsciously help tension. Or I would focus on beathing out the tension. 

I had a rough go with Lily one of the weeks. And he said something that was profound,  about where she was coming from I beleive. I can't remember the details of it. It was one of those moments I was trying to be firm but loving. 

He understood the huge benefit of giving birth at home and tuned into baby with certain adjustments, which I appreciated. 

I asked him about his story, what brought him to where he was today. About his kids. What I got was that he had 4 kids. He had a wife (fiance), and I had a feeling he was divorced. He didn't really share much detail. He asked me, why I wanted to know? And I mentioned I liked to hear peoples stories. But he was very much a closed book as far as sharing any details about his life. I felt like he was a very mysterious man, attractive, well dressed, organized, hair slick and well manicured. He was slim and fit, and seemed very collected, though I somehow knew there was pain behind his cool demeaner. He was kind, and brought some new awarenesses to me. But closed. One of the awarenesses, was focusing on what felt good on my wrist instead of what movements caused it pain. 

My last appointment I was feeling discouraged because me wrist just wasn't healing where I felt like it should and I felt at a loss. He focused on the front neck muscles, or the latisamuss dorsi. 

I just got back from a trip on Tuesday, so 2 days ago. And on my way to the airport, I got a text saying that Dr. Joseph Levie had unexpectly passed away. I mean, he was young and seemingly healthy and fit. It was a shock. How can I really process that? One day he is here, and the next day he was gone. I saw him only a week ago. I imagined that maybe it was just something that happened, like a car accident or died in his sleep or something. It feels like a void in the world, like someone is supposed to be here but they arent.  

I talked to Dr. McIntire today, and found out it was due to suicide. I don't know how. It was on Monday the 16th. But Eric told me that only a couple weeks ago, Joseph told him how he felt so much pressure, and his ex-wife was making it difficult to see his kids and the lawyer fees were very high and he didn't have control over his finances. No wonder he felt so much pain. I felt a pain of not being able to be with my kids while I was in CA- and Felt anxious to get back. Now I see that he didn't share about his life, because it was so much pain he wasn't able to process on his own. It would have been too much at that moment. He also experienced skitsophrenia, and was paranoid about the government investigating him. So something happened over the weekend where it was just all too much, and the pain was too high, that he felt like dying was much easier than living. 

This is the first experience for me where someone I knew, no closely, but very recently lost their life due to suicide. And I feel so sad about it. How much is he going to miss out of because of it? You don'tknow what someone is experiencing. You really don't. When someone passes, it does leave a void, and yet life has to keep going. His obituary reveals how much he loved his kids, where I can then see how hard it would be to just not be able to see his kids. I still don't know what to think or how to process the emptiness of his office. 

I remember last month when I had my episode where I wanted to die. I was in so much emotional turmoil, and the feelings I had were so low, and that not being here alive seemed easier than having to exist in the struggle. I wanted to die. And I was not myself. I felt like I was overtaken by entities- and bad ones. It took a lot of kindness and people reaching out to me to help me through that. And I get feeling alone in that. So I can imagine him feeling so alone in this, that he really did take his life. He didn't show up at workon Monday, which wasnt like him, and thats the day he passed on. 

I was only a patient of his, I can't imagine the pain Naira must be feeling, and her daughter, or the pain and heartache his kids must be experiencing, or the regret his ex-wife may be feeling for causing so much diffifculty with seeing his own children. 

April 26th 2023

 Welp, I guess its time for an update. Its been almost 3months, which I guess is a good sign because i typically write pretty big or deep things here. Since the van thing,  I started having my energy back. I focued on getting enough vit B and Vit D. I found some passion and drive again. Things still weren't perfect between me and creighton. There were still tough moments. He's ben makng more money, which is good. Things with Lily has been a little bit rough. I mean, she's nine. I don't remember having as much attitude as she has. And stubborness.  But I have mykids playing sofball and that makes for a busy schedule too. MOndays, Tuesday, Wednesdays and Fridays... Thatsmy softball schedule week... Its a lot. my kids have been extra tired because of it. But my hopeis that they gain friendships, and skills, and confidence. and good life lessons. 

I suddenly hit a slump again. Like a big one. My heart felt numb, and almost anything could not bring it joy. my head felt cloudy and my connection with the divine felt cutoff. Any prayer felt like I was talkng to a rick wall with no response. I honestly don't know what I believe anymore. If I did know... I believe in JC, a light side and a dark side. I do beleive in HF and HM. But often it feels like a concept. I have ancestors who have so much faith and my faith is wavering. My digestion was off, feeling nauseous often. My appetite was not there, and I'd make a good meal and it wouldn't look good and I oculd hardly eat it. Andrea asked, are pregnant? that is most peoples responses when I tell them... and of course I didn't see it being a possibility. Its so little I do it anyway, sex is quite emotionally triggering for me. I have severe trauma responses to it that I need therapy for. I was at my foot zone class, and my student JaNae asked if I was, and I saidI wasn't.  I had a session with Jaqueline who does angel readings, its not what you think. And There were demons who needed to be cast out. They were really tearing down on me. Weighing down my heart and mind,pushing feelings of inadequacy, and lack of passion or purpose. And locking me from feeling inspiration. Almost any inpsiration.  From that session, I felt lighter, and my digestion has improved signiificantly. 

On monday, I felt very weepy and started feeling sick. I bought a pregnancy test at Solbergs in Stansbury park. Took it about 5 AM. And guess what it read?? You Guessed it. a line where the line means pregnant. And it wasn't light. It was bright and obvious. SO that means, baby #5 is on its way. And I was not ready. So here goes the rollercoaster of emotions the next year of my life, and now I understand why everything felt so darn out of alignment! Its not that I won't love the baby.  Creighton and I have felt another little spirit around, where we counted to 4 and one was missing. Creighton has been mentioning it, and I've resisted. River will be 4 this summer. The timing is not what I wanted. But the Lord's timing is always what we want. :Thy will be done. Even that I have questions on though. 

I had a breakthorugh sessions with Julie today and waht came up was "not enough" And that beleive has been driving me throught life. trying to prove it one way or the other.  Completing trainings, investing, and man has the debt from 2021 really kicked me in the butt! Even while I've doubled my income, I sure didn't feel it! Nothing I made came to me. It all went back out to pay for the credit cards, which I'll never use again when I can't pay for something. I've learned great life lessons from this. I've got 16k left. I paid for nearly all of it thuoght! The interest is whats kicked my rear mercilessly with demons poking at me for it. 

From todays session, I put together the statement, "I am a warrior of truth, full of beauty (to remind myself that I too am beautiful), and I consisently SEE my value". And I'm adding in, I invest with abundance, I speak with abundance. I learn from abundance. 

Julie said some statements I needed to hear. One is that It needs to be in alignment, and you need to have the money in hand- so many coaches are preaching to invest, invest invest... if I go after that shiny object then I am repeating the cycle, including Laurels program. We also have to be smart. She mentioned all the people who got there didn't go into debt to get there. ut that was we the new coaches are told. Now, I'm shifting my thinking from wanting to speak at julies event, to letting it go because when I speak, I want to speak from abundance. Like I have the money in hand and available and I can commit with peace and fully. And be thinking, will this increase my profitablility? I am a business owner first, and friend second ( for the business). First, I am playing the role of a young mother with young kids. My health comes first, then my kids and family, then my business and God surrounds all of it. So I'll make the Jar God in the anaolgy. She also said that people say yes with the emotions response. That's not always accurate. Never again will I invest 20k that I don't have, Starting now I have a new pattern. My heart still says YES to laruels program! So I'm looking at the messages behind it, because I don't want to do it just for the "shiny object". But lets be real, that is waht the chicks are, shiny objects. And I don't want her program to be good enough. I wanted it personally for me to enjoy. BEcause I love the knowledge of it.  But I still want to do iut out of abundance because I can. I am going to chat with er, because maybe she'll say yea don't do it because youre pregnant. We'll see. I want to try  and make money doing it. SO I'm looking for a 10k grant on top of the grant that reimnburses me. THat;s waht I"m putting into the universe.