Tracking and what brings me joy

 Creighton has been doing better at giving me compliments this week. We didn’t have an issue this last Sunday which I am grateful. I do think having Stacie there helped. But he is genuinely being kinder this week. 

Physically I feel my best when I’m doing aerials. It’s one of the few things that brings me fulfillment. I believe that my body is meant to do those things. And it’s for my best and highest good. 

Overall though, my immune system has not been functioning properly. The last month I’ve been struggling with allergies. One year ago was the first time I felt these allergies. I’m stuffed up half the time and and itchy 75% of the time with me eyes feeling irritated. It’s caused me to feel extra tired. Physically overall, I’m not at my best. 

Mentally and emotionally, I’m in a depressed season. I feel very hopeless in relation to my marriage. Even though he’s being kinder, there’s a part of me just waiting for it to crash again. When we do talk, and he’s trying to talk to me, my immediate responses are repressed as I decide if I should be totally honest. And then I respond with short sentence responses. 

I feel disconnected and down. I need connection so desperately. And he wants me to be intimate. My walls are high. And I don’t know how to let things go. These are some big waters I am wading through. 

My emotional trust right now is about 25%. Repairing is happening very slowly. The stitches bringing us back together right now are very thin. Holding it in is really hard internally because it’s a lot of fear and grief. I just know I’m not okay. Not deep down. 

My faith level is high is some respects. I can’t not have faith because that is my only hope of moving forward, that and being a light to others. Because believing that god supports me and will get me through these dark paths is the one thing that helps me make each step back up. 

I don’t have it in me to do the physical touch he wants and even the words of affirmation. It’s all I can do just to take care of myself and my children and cook and clean. 

Depression 8/10

Functioning with day to day: 6.5/10

Fatigue: 9/10

Hopeless: 8/10 

Joy: 2/10

Physical: 60%

Hormonal: 40%

Nutritional deficiencies: 5% 

Emotional roots; 40%

Estrogen; 3%

Progesterone: 10%

Serotonin: 10%

Dopamine: 80%

Endorphins: 80% 

— shared and absorbed emotions

Emotionally: 40%

Absorbed: 33%

Mine: 33%

Shared: 33% 

Mentally: 3%

Spiritually: 60%

Energetically: 10%