Does life actually get better?

 I don't know if I believe it anymore. Even when my children are around, healthy and loving me. Even when Creighton is doin his best. Maybe I am just weak and broken. I feel defeated. I feel depressed and low. I don't have the Christmas spirit with me. Last week broke me in a very big way. I am slowly rebuilding myself. But it is slow. The emptiness I feel inside is excruciating. I feel as though all happiness and joy has been sucked out of me. 

I feel like I am limited on all planes. Time. Money. opportunity. relationships. I feel stopped on every corner. I met Darla Day today. Again, I saw opportunity. But what stops me? money. again. Am I willing to do what it takes to reach my dreams and my desires. The reality of them feel so far away. the hurt within me is so deep. 

When the deputy, cops, and social services came to my home last week, it was a shock. It was humiliating. It was relieving, and at the same time I didn't want to talk to them. Like, someone was actually there to help me, and I rejected it. And at the same time, I felt intense fear with the possibility of losing the ability to take care of my son, legally. That brought the mama bear out- you cant tell me That I am a danger to my baby. my baby who I invested thousands of dollars, shared his light.  He brought me light. For now, I am allowing myself to feel all these hard feelings. No judgment, just awareness. I know I am playing small. 

What I'll do here is just list what I want: 

More than any material thing, I want to feel motivated, confident, and decisive 

I want to be true to myself

I want to be at peace and be present in the moment 

I want to feel God's peace 

I want to feel whole again, but when I felt whole? 

The moments i have felt whole are when I teach fitness, foot zone, when i watch my kids perform, cuddle with my kids, when I do aerials. 

When I am with my sisters, but even with them what I say is filtered. I'm still honest and me, but its filtered. 

When do I feel the yuck or overwhelmed?]

When I am I strapped for time

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What I learned from my 2024 Foot zone class

 I need to have a more clear contract and set boundaries: 

 In my contract I need to include: 

* Automatic payments

*Payments for each class must be in in order to attend the class

*What I will be giving throughout the course: 

    Answering questions throughout the 7 months

    6 in person classes

    Accountability to complete classes

    incentives each class

    Feedback each class on refining and perfecting the zone

*What I will not be including: 

    course materials

    Constant follow-up after the class- twice 

What I will emphasize throughout the class:

*Coursework needs to be done by the next class, or it becomes very easy to fall behind and not finish

*Make sure you have support and set aside time each week so you are not doing it all last minute. 

* complete your practice zone each month so they are not piled up of what you need to complete after

*Have a support FB group where I can post videos 

*No notes while zoning after you've completed an area- 

        Class 2- no notes area 1

        Class 3- no notes areas 2

        Class 4- no notes areas 3

        Class 5- no notes

        Class 6- no notes     

Recruiting for Next class:

Ideas: 

Free rolling enrollment- 

Set date:

Foot zone parties with those hosting out of their homes

Wellness centers  & chiropractic offices

Goal of 20 people- knowing that I may not reach it but the higher I reach the more i can accomplish

What smaller steps do I need to take to accomplish this? 

Gain weight 

balance hormones 

Marketing themes and weeks- 15 min strategy every monday morning- plan out posts for the week

landing page 

cost $3299

Things that went well- 

I was more on top of reminders through the group text 

I was understanding and supportive, but what I so understanding it didn't stretch them?

    

Look up success rateas of other trades schools, massage school etc 

Costs of side gig that is not MLM

Audience demographics

Psychics graphics

Messaging themes 

WHich one of these would desceibe why i wanted to do that? 

Why I am struggling as an entrepreneur

 Having and growing is business is not for the faint of heart. And its not easy. It pushes you out of your (my) comfort zone. It pushes me that in order to achieve goals- its my direct actions that help me to reach them, and that requires a belief in myself. Which, being honest with myself:

I'm exhausted- just trying to take care and nourish myself, and be there for all my kids. I think thats a really big part. I'm tired.

I do feel small. Really small. 

I still feel like I've lost a big part of my potential and big overall dream 

I feel limited in time- with having kids and my age. 

Why am I even here? What good is it for me to even keep trying? 

I don't have the energy to make really big steps. 

I want to be present for my kids and I want to achive big dreams, but I lack energy

I don't feel like I've got my crap together- I've known for a long time now, that everyone experiences their hard. Even when you don't see it. And I've got my hard too. I am no better than the next person who is struggling. I don't hold any magic answers. 

(my dear, you are settlnig yourself short. they may not be magic answers, but they are skills and ideas and perspectives others haven't even thought about)

-----

Fron now on-

Monday nights 7-9:30 Foot zone class prep 9:30-10 me time

webinar- idea-

Dec- promote to come to a class

Jan- come to a class-

Mid Feb- start- Fill a group and continue to add students 

classes at these locations every few months- have a class a quarter-

WInter soltice sale- start the new year off with these skills-the solstice sale- $2997- start this 3 days before the 21st. Start Dec 18th- run it until the 23rd

call melanie when i can teach at her class- 

run a flash sale on the course- 

Money and relationships

 MOney has always been a hard one for us. And to go a layer deeper, its not the money. The money and the buying is the symptom. The deeper layer is communication. Beyond the communication, its that I felt rushed and didn't feel safe to speak how I really felt. And when I did speak what I felt, it was too late. That blew up in my face. 

First thing in our marriage was the TV and Xbox, while in Laie Hawaii. He spent $800 on that when we could have used that $ to buy a flipping car. Then is was that crappy $800 car that Creighton felt we HAD to buy or he wouldn't get home. Then, it was expensive surfboards when he was going to grad school living off of student loans. Then he sold a descent car and bought a crappy truck from a teenager. And I mean crappy. It was not reliable. There was the dirt bike, the motorcycle, the other car we got a 13k loan for. Then it was his expensive truck he got a 35k loan for with a $525 payment a month. Let's not forget the eye surgery he had to get when I was 3 weeks post partum with Juniper. 3 weeks! The most recent buy was the other crappy truck he bought for 13k, and took an 11.5k loan out with. He lost $5000 on this truck and not to mention all the grief he had because of it. So what was it this time? A flipping Entertainment center. 

In my perfect world, this is what I would have loved to have happen. I think in my perfect world, that's just not creighton's abilities of what I am about to mention. 

Saturday hits, and Creighton tells me about this great idea of getting a cheap one at home depot. I feel the stirring anxiety in my chest and gut of anxious feelings of overwhelm and confusion. I couldn't make a decision. It was all too much for me. So I state this instead- I am just not feeling it right now. I want to wait on this. Lets look at our list of priorities and decide what we want to do next. I'm thinking the garage or the girls dressers, What do you think? But me feeling anxious caused Creighton to feel confusion. And then he bought one and then I felt grief over it. I said something- and Creighton didn't receive that well. Then I felt like o couldn't say anything. Nighttime I would have dreams about it, and feeling the emotions of it all fresh. Fast forward to today. Its supposed to be delivered and all I have to "not answer the door". I was feeling severe anxiety over it last night and even today. Anxiety of not answering the door and anxiety of letting them in and then not loving it, or loving it and feeling guilty of just not trusting C. Total confusion one way AND the other way which equals no clarity or peace, a heightened nervous system. On top of that, I am a little sick AND I hurt my foot last night, not severely. 

A big part for me was honestly not feeling heard and being seen. It felt like I had to suppress it to have peace in my marriage. I felt so unvalidated because he turned it into his issue of being the bad guy spending money and not pending money making money and not making money. 

SO now what I've been wanting to do all week. Write a letter to God because sometimes that's the only way i get answers. 

God, Jesus, mother, what the heck is happening? What do i DO? 

My daughter ,

Peace, I have overcome the world. No amount of money has to steal away your peace. But i hear you and I see you, and the pain you've been experiencing. First you need to cast out. now listen to a scripture. Okay, I've read scriiptures. I've cast out. 

Okay, now you need to know this. It doesn't matter. The entertainment center is neutral. Whether you open the door and keep it or not, it won't make a difference in anxiety if you dont adress the root cause. I feel anxious about it with you just saying that. Then I really don't know what to do.  I feel even more lost now. I feel like I'm hiding in this little hole, running away from the entertainment center, running away from the next steps of chiropractic school, running from this things that can mean expansion for me and my family. And I am at an ultimate low in my weight. I am 113 lbs! I havent had a period and I don't know why I am losing so much weight. I haven't been able to get my weight up since the foot zone conference. Just tell me what to do please. I don't just want to avoid because I have these really intense feelings! And right now that's what I feel like I am doing if i don't open the door.

I am asking you with desperation, this is too much. I can't handle it. Something is wrong, and maybe its just me.  And then today he told me he doesn't care. but that confuses me too because if didn't care, thenhe wouldn't have pushed to buy something so quickly. Actions and words don't add up. 

And now the other part of my feels shame and guilt for not even giving it a try. I've been so damn high in emotional stress that My heart wasn't even open to receive. 

It’s getting harder and harder and harder

 Last weekend from sat night to Monday was hell. Literal hell. Internal hell. Marriage  hell. Intimacy, sex etc. there is so much trauma around it. I went into marriage so pure minded and innocent knowing nothing. But the communication I would say is the biggest issue of all. Lack of skills on both parts and lack of self control. And repressed emotion. Big triggers. I really wish that when I was crying to my mom when we were dating over 14 years ago that she would have told me, “he’s not good for you”. You need to let this one go. There’s better men for you.” She wasn’t that bold and still to this day isn’t. My mom is wonderful. But she’s not bold. I needed bold. I desperately needed that. And little did I know that my concerns and worries were my answer when I prayed and sought guidance. 

Here I am nearing my 14th wedding anniversary which is something I dread. I rarely feel joy or excitement when this day comes. What am I truly celebrating? Because it’s not what I’m experiencing now. The highs are rare and the lows are frequent. The low lows are common. Other times it’s neutral and I’m grateful for those moments. Where there is no conflict. 

Here’s what I’m learning. Creighton gaslights. He’s not narcissistic. But he does gaslight. He lacks true empathy. Turns stories around making me feel like how I remember that are distorted. He doesn’t share his feelings. He vomits toxic repressed emotions. Today I would say should be minor but the trauma response in ne feels very big! He came home after working hard for 2 days straight. Wanted to cuddle and connect and kiss me. I’ve been with the kids for days doing it all in my own, trying to be productive getting necessary things done. I’m constantly checking and refining the budget. And I’m advertising for the adventurous soul experience.  And I’m planning my fall schedules for work and the kids -!: cooking meals, and keeping up with cleaning. He mentioned how he stayed home and cleaned but you know what, so have I! For every moment he’s been gone. Did I cuddle? Yes. Was I in the mood? No. Did I make an effort? Yes. He wanted to cuddle again. So I did. But things were in my mind. And I’m exhausted and my eyes hurt. So he suggested I get things done so I did. He went to take river to the store. And I will admit I got triggered on the phone when he asked if we could get lily a present. Put it in the budget I said…. I felt so irritated he doesn’t know how to use the app. I felt irritated I tried setting a buffet with him so many times with it ending with he leant make enough and gets emotional. And I was overstimulated with the baby crying, helping iris on the piano. I was ungrounded.  I did apologize. He says he’s “over it”. I went into the car and felt myself Crumbling. I think all the build up form the past few days. Holding it together to be the good mom my kids deserve. 

When he came to the car because I knew I’d miss the class, and I parked. He was sharing how he felt.., but 90% of it was about me. Maybe 85%. I’m crying at this point. I feel so broken. There was so much negative emotion towards me it felt like. And when I said how I felt- be dismissed it. Downgraded it. Showed no empathy. He doesn’t share feelings unless it’s starts pouring out of the can uncontrollably. So I think that is what gaslighting feels like. It makes me doubt myself. Question myself. And I feel so belittled. I mean, I just took really good care of your 5 kids for 3 days while you were gone. On top of making good meals and helping with school work and getting to TV r bu stop. 

He wasnt kind or empathetic. If someone tells me they feel lonely, and need a hug, I can do that. But I can’t connect feeling belittled. I distance myself. And he is so black and white. I will tell from an early age bot to marry a man who has a a struggle with porn. The pain it causes is not worth it. Creighton has a problem. And he doesn’t admit it. That’s why he always goes back to it, even if it’s every few months. He keeps talking to me in way that feels bitter and blaming; and I jus my don’t know. I don’t know how much longer I can stay. I don’t  money or a sustainable job. 

I do feel trapped. I don’t feel safe in my home when he’s here. I felt unsafe early this evening, which is why I was in the car. And I stayed in the car after I got home. I’m proud of myself for leaving tonight. One thing I hate though. That school is on session. It means I can’t go escape to my parents house with the kids. Being totally honest, I should I left in Sunday. I would be there and he could what it’s like to really be lonely. He is also sabotaging our marriage and connection. He is not a man of god. And I cannot honor who he is right now. I seek to respect him in how I treat him. But I don’t respect him for the quality of person he is of that makes sense. Some men, you just know- that’s a good man. I’m tired and I’m hurting. 

June 1st

 I have so much anger. I feel so irritated. I also feel unloved. There's something that is very triggering for me. I think what it is happening is that I absorb all of creighton's emotions and I feel them extremely big. It becomes too much for me to handle. And I don't think that he realizes houch it affects me. And I don't think he realizes the vibes he sends  out. 

I don't know if my perceptions are correct, but i feel so much irritation from him. And i realize that I have been people pleasing because of fear in how he will respond. The walking on egg shells, and encouraging the kids to do the same. For example, today I went to yoga because my shoulder felt tweaked, and i got groceries. I came home and c wanted to leave right away for the lake. I still needed to put the groceries away. NAtrually i got there later. He was pressing us toleave when he wanted. And i really wanted to stay. But ileft because of fear in how he would respond. When I did get home, I told him i didnt feel like i should go. So I stayed, but it feels like our communcation overall is strained. Almost  every conversation. It makes very hard for me to communciate. It feels like there is conflict that cannot be resolved. 

And it causes me to enjoy time with my kids less. I honestly become more irritable. I feel a high poolof frustration within me. Right now, its pretty still but there. But having a conversation with C it could boil very easily. I cant help but feel that  he stayed at his moms house to avoid me. I know his health is struggling. I know he is exhausted. I know he is trying to get us out of debt, and trying to get the garage done and all the hours he can. But he is lacking in all selfcare. He is mistreating his body and its been telling him through a varietyof symptoms. And I fear that He may not be around to see hiskids grow up, that his quality of life will continue to decrease. Will he live to see Canyon be 18 years ol or graduate from high school? He cant keep a high quality lifeliving on raman, pizza, and ice cream. And no exercise. He's not getting the nutrients. 

I still struggle to tell him everything and be open with him. How can I be open sexually when Communication is so poor? the disconnection between us makes my heart sad. And angry. And I feel like he doesnt see everything I do. How much I do for Canyon. I wake up for him at night, all the kids really. Its because  of me that he is thriving. I make sure the kids get nutrition. I keep the kitchen clean. And my capacity to do all Iwant is limited. 

May 25th 2024

 THese posts are becoming less frequent, so maybe thats a good thing. But there's certain things that really get to me. That is judgment on my character and disresepect. Thats not to say that I don't have my fair share of judgment and disrespect. In fact, I know I do. I am far from  perfect and I know my patterns. And they are patterns I am working on overcoming. But alas, another moment where Big large emotions eat up all the love out of my heart. Its more than big emotions. I am filled with rage, hurt, anger, and frustration. I feel bitterness and hatred. Honestly, it was such a small thing that triggered something big. But is it a small thing? Pride and anger are causing me to put up walls. 

Creighton sold his truck in November. February he is wanting to buy a a truck for 15K. Then, he almost bought a damn motorcycle for 20K. Then he ended up buying a borken truck on March 12th. All the while wanting to "pay off debt". Our goal to "pay off debt. Then he adds 11k of debt with a $2500 downpayment which impacted the money in his business, impacting personal finaces, and then my business finances. And then we found out it had 4+ leaks with an estimated $8000 in labor for repairs.  Plus the $1000 to register the car. Add on the $260/month payment and $150 for insurance a month. I mean, I am not trying to do little jabs with this truck, But it was such a stupid decision. And it impacts everything. Paying off debt, getting our yard done. $12000+ I didn't want to spend. And i ahve so mjuch frustration with that alone, that now its hard for me to stay in the neutral with it. I was neutral and encouraging and staying in good faith for so long. And now I just can't.

What is so triggering? He wanted to share his goals- paying off debt.. okay. and then earning as much as he can to buy a 20k motorcycle. Damn. really? I just don't feel like he's got his priorities straight. He was grumpy the minute we got home and I was just so tired. I needed to rest. So I slept for an hour. And then he blamed his grumpiness for me sleeping while he did yard work. Like hello! Do you not realize that I took the kfor the last day day and a half where you got to do whatever the hell you wanted and you slept in till 11:15. Which I was FINE with. I was glad you got sleep in and get extra rest. for reals. But you get irritated that I needed a nap. And you want me to respond they way you want, yet you say its okay for me have emotions. YOu make no sense. YOu go from have big goals to no goals. Wanting to be a team. yet blaming me for stupid stuff. You want me to say, Go forit! Lets see what happens... thats where this truck got us.  

I told him He wasnt my friend. TO come down and finish a conversation like a man.. whatever that means. Before that, I was in my car taking space because I was so close to exploding and saying things I would regret. I didn't want to to do that, even though I did a little after I came into the house. I had a conversation with God. God reminded me that a bad person does not have good intentions. I told him I know he is gods son but i didn't see him that way and i didn't feel like I could. GOd remindedme he is and that he is struggling too. "But i don't think I can love him the way you want.." It was then that the suggestion came that maybe I should start the separation but it wouldn't necessarily be the best thing. Because he deserves to be loved. I don't know.  I only came in because the baby needed me and Creighton told me he wasn't going to talk to me. But he did. And of course it got worse. 

You humbly said before, that you learned that you were going to trust me more.. but thats BS. It seemed like you actually learned something. But I don't think its a big enough lesson. 

I don't know if this is PP emotional ups and downs, hormone shifts, or just patterns from before. Perhaps a combo of all 3. Or am I crazy? I honestly don't know. I don't what's "normal". I don't like swearing. But i swear a lot in mymind and heart in these moments. 

IN the end, all he did was share his financial goals. Its on me that I got triggered. and angry.