I have a college friend who I have kept in touch with. We met almost exactly 20 years ago. I flew out to BYU-Hawaii. I was 20 years old, freshly leaving my sister's house in Chicago. I was staying at home where I didn't know anyone, a few days before the semester strated
Krys was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer metastasized in January after an ER visit. She was 38 years old, has 2 young kids ages 3 and 10 months at the time. This was gut- wrenching for her. This is my words not hers. It’s a shock and pancreatic cancer is one of the worst ones, which I previously didn’t know. When I first found out, I felt awful. I worried about her kids and prayed nearly every day. It really affected me. There was a short time where I had to stop thinking about it and I didn’t know what to say or if I should call or how to say it. So for a few months I didn’t say anything. In the beginning I sent her a bottle of frankincense and some foot zone signals to do. After talking to a chiropractor, she said that my friend would need to focus on the tumor itself first. And in my small amount of research, those diagnosed don’t usually live longer than a year.
She was also required to stop breastfeeding, I could feel in the moment the heartbreak that would bring her. It broke her. She struggled with nursing Nai’a at the beginning and with zeke it came so easily. And she felt like her heart was being ripped apart- her words.
Fast forward. I did message her again being honest and checking saying how k didn’t know what to say and her response helped me feel better about it. She had a way of helping me feel better when she responded . And she was the one living with the cancer and the treatments.
My heart ached for Canyon the entire time. I tried to make the best of it. The flight, and getting the rental car was pretty easy. I had massive anxiety days before, questioning if I should even be going. The weather was warm and sunny and I loved that so much. I stopped at the grocery story to pick up groceries and arrived at Krys's house around 4:30 pm. The other sitter was there for a bit longer, as we were coming to relieve her.
I arrived on a thursday afternoon. I always observe how peoples yards, and houses are set up, organized and what its like living where they are. It was an older house, with a large trailer in the driveway. I was grateful for it to have a private space to decompress. I can feel apprehensive of spending days with Emilie but it was a blessing. We watche Nai'a and Zeke while making dinner because Krys had an appointment. Nai'a loved helping Emilie with the vegetables. Zeke is a sturdy little boy, heavier than canyon. He loves his sister. "Nai'a, Nai'a!" He says "daddy, and mama, and many other words. He is younger than Canyon and it was a comfort taking care of him. When Krys walks, it was a slow thoughtul walk, careful with each step. Im guessing because it took so much energy to walk. Her legs are so thin, that she now wears loose pants, and her coat because she gets so cold. Her wrists because the size of a childs wrist with long fingers because shes lost all her muscle tone. Her cheeks were sunken in and belly large and full of fluid, which contributed to the discomfort with walking. But she was so happy to see us. And I was so grateuful to see her. It was wonderful to sit and have dinner with her and her family and Emilie. The messy house really didnt matter. She has to take enzymes before eating. It was the conversation, which I also know took a lot of energy. Everything she did took energy she didn't have. She drank lots of water with electrolytes, which I believe helped her live as long as she did. What was really speical to me was how thoughtful she was in conversation. She asked us questions, and checked on how we experienced something, or encourage us. SHe really cared. We enjoyed time after dinner, which then she just needed sleep. It was these times that she opened up- how she was discouraged, and that she wanted to die in the hospital. I'll never forget the words "I'm not adraid to die.. I just don't want to leave my family.. We had so many plans of what we wanted to do" It was emotional.
The bed was pretty comfy and the set up was comfy. I was able to do the dolphin for Emilie.
I had a dream that spurred this need to visit her in October. It didn’t work for my birthday weekend. But I scheduled it for the 4th weekend of October. Emilie Harrel was also in town. We stayed in her trailer in her driveway. We helped babysit the kids a few times and had intimate conversations around dinner times and it was really special. She was also so frail and thin. And so weak. She was down to roughly 90lbs. She could barely walk and had very little facial expression. She still had her long hair, and it was a security thing. She had hair growing on her face, probably effects of the medication. She couldn’t even hold zeke and you could tell he was used to relying on dad. I’m sure this was all really hard on Krys. How could it not be? To not have the strength or the capability of caring for your kids? I’m sure she constantly felt guilty about it. And it wasn’t her fault. She wanted to be there. Even going to church for an hour for nai’as primary program took everything out of her.
In the days I was at her house, my heart needed my sweet Canyon, and at the same time, it was the greatest blessing he wasnt there in hindsight. I had moments with her fully present because he wasnt there. The blessing of being able to sit by her on her bed and talk, to eat dinner with her, go out to suchi with her, push her in her wheelchair a the Halloween trunk or treat, drive her home after church. These are moments I will always be grateful for!
It was like she was a shell of herself- but when j talked to her and really listened and had those moments, she was still there. And I told her that. I could see “her”. Man the energy we had in those conversations- it was really honest and intimate- not sexually- but you know that moment is what mattered most.
Leaving was the hardest- I wanted to go to the pumpkin patch with them .there was no way with my flight time. As much as I would have loved going to the beach one more time, it wasn’t as important as having more moment with her. I planned to go visit in March or so- but I wasn’t sure if she’d make it that long- as much as hoped and prayed, I had a feeling. Driving to the airport, I wasn't filled with hope. I was filled with sadness and sorrow. It was a depressing feeling. Everything in my travel went well, gratefully. and I was holding back tears just to try to be okay.
Less than a month after I left, she was was hospitalized again with blood infections and water in lungs. I don’t think her body could have handled more. I don’t understand when her patriarchal blessing she’d be playing with her grandkids with her husband. She. Passed away exactly a week ago and I cried the moment I found outs I wept for her, the life she wouldn’t have with her kids, the life they wouldn’t have with their mom, for Seth, her for family. It’s devastating. I had a therapy appointment shortly before she passed about gratitude that there is help for her and that she wasn’t alone. But I have to use that to be so grateful I didn’t let anxiety stop me from visiting her, that I followed my impressions because that was the last time I saw her.
I have plan moving Forward. I’m going to make her kids a balancer with photos of her and them. And a book when Seth is ready. If there’s nothing else I can do- they could look at. That book and have some memories with lrys. There is just k much sadness with her passing. She didn’t even make a year and I was hoping for 5 or 10. And for Seth who lost his wife after gaining a new family.
I have all these thoughts pop up- why didn’t I have the courage to ask harder questions? To ask if she knew would die? What memories she wanted naia to have and zeke? And write them down. I was in denial she would actually die. Each day she make was a miracle. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
What keeps me going is knowing she wouldn’t want me to stop living because she couldn’t stay in her body. She’d want me to find joy and she want me to love her kids. So that’s what I’ll do.
No comments:
Post a Comment