The sun comes up, but doubts creep in

 Perseverence and healing requires taking small steps up when I have gone down a spiral. I am still taking steps up, but I am not yet fully recovered. This may take months. This is not the biggest thing, but the next thing I'd like to address is being more of a team in the small things. Not just telling the kids to clean up, but me and creighton really working together to accomplish things when we are home. That includes the kitchen. I feel like I need to stay up late to clean because 1) I like waking up to a clean house and 2) I would feel more unified. I have money anxieties coming up. We need to budget, but it seems we only pray about it, and I don't think anything changes when we only pray about it. We need to actually take action steps and track. We don't have any excuses. 

I really want to beleive in myself that I can find students for foot zoning, because it feels like I need that to establish a consisitent income, and then I can do what my soul is wanting, which is some combo of pregnancy, fitness, birth, labor, pp healing, and emotional and mental health. It seems like a lot lumped together, but it really does make sense. I just know I want to focus on teaching now. And I had a hard time accepting money. What the feeling is that really causes me to doubt is that I just don't have the capability of find them. And doesit really make a difference. I have to beleive it does because clients keep coming back. But i don't have faith in MY ability to be seen and raelly accomplish this goal. 

Julie is doing another trip in October, and I want to go. But there's this little part of me, "Do I want to go? Can I be myself and feel comfortable and confident in who I really am?

The house is a mess. I can't keep up. The laundry is what really gets cloggged up. And how are going to e able to do the yard when we honestly don't have the money? I know I am in scarcity mindset. Evidence keep proving that we aren't going to be able to do it. 

Addressing roots

 You know. I used to never swear. I remember when I was in 10th grade and I was embarrassed to have my mom with me. She stayed in the car outside of my high school. I went into the band room. And I remember wearing casually and then feeling guilty about it. Abs then another time walking between buildings and causally saying a swear word. Then I stopped. I didn’t like how it made me feel. It felt dirty. 

Fast forward to shortly after I got married. Creighton and I were having a hard time. He swore in the car and I told him to get out. Something changed in me that day. From then on, in heated moments, I have sworn in my mind thinking aweful things. And saying them when too many buttons were pushed. Saying words I don’t care to repeat. I mean, sometimes it feels good to swear to really express the magnitude of my feelings. But overall, I I don’t like swearing and I don’t like listening it. 

Why am I writing this? Because perhaps someone can read this and know they aren’t alone. Our relationship has been rocky since the beginning. If I’m being totally honest with myself which I am. 

It is my goal to speak truth in a respectful way. to no longer hold back. To be unapologetically me. And to share my thoughts even if they are different. And today I did. And I believe I did it respectfully. 

Here’s is where I stand financially and what’s important. My first and #1 priority is an emergency fund- and I would like a 6 month emergency fund. I would for there to be $36,000 in it. And the yard. And I want my own retirement fund started. This feels very important to me. Because if Creighton and I don’t work out, I have something. And I don’t actually want to wait for the government to pay off the student loans with the forgiveness program. I’d rather sacrifice and tackle it. And I want to take the steps to generate wealth because without money ,,you can’t help others on big levels. You can’t be the person to cover a meal just because. Money give opportunities to help others. And I want stability through my whole life. I don’t care about the big house, and the truck. And the motorcycle and the nicest things. I want nice things - but I’m very selective about them. 

Here is what creightkn feels and thinks. This is at least what I think I understand. Creighton feels like he misses out on the kids growing up because he has to work. And he hates his second job and feels unappreciated. He’s sacrificing 2 days a week to do his 2nd job- and it depletes him. He also feels like no matter how he’d he works, he’ll never be able to to get a motorcycle or the truck, maybe when he’s 80. His words. And it’s because he feels I will never be okay with him getting one even if he does the emergency fund, the yard etc. and he feels resentment towards  me because he’s the one the makes the money and I decide how to spend it. That hid he wants anything, he has to sell something else to get it. He thinks that hid he works more, it chill cause me to spiral and become suicidal and if he doesn’t I will spiral and be suicidal. 

The thing is we’ve never been in a financial position to buy whatever we want. And he has made these decisions throughout our marriage that have kept us in this pattern. And if I said anything, it crushed him. It wasn’t safe for me to express myself in an honest ways. Early in marriage, he don’t like it when I had a different opinion.  It caused a lot of fights. And heartache. I cried a lot my first year of marriage. It was hard. So many tears. There was even a professor and I can’t remember his name. But he noticed that I have been crying and suggested divorce. 

But today. I was honest about what I wanted. I said if the government doesn’t pay or do the forgiveness loan/ we should tackle it. And then he feels like he is that much further away from his motorcycle. He was feeling resentment towards me today. Because he felt that I would never feel okay with him getting what he wanted a truck s d motorcycle. We’re talking $40,000. Because other things come first- like the emergency fund, the yard, the basement…. It sounds rediculous writing it- like I’m the bad tmguy because I’m stopping him from getting what he wants. He feels resentment because I want an emergency fund…. 

Untold hi he sounded like an entitled teenager. We are adults and we need to be more intentional with our money. In th ink what hurts is he’s basing everything he feels because we’ve never had the money we never will. I’m trying to make it a math problem rather m than a man emotional thing. Emotions play a role, yes. But they don’t have to dictate every financial decision. We’ve got to roll out sleeves up and get to wor to make goals happen- and complaining about it won’t help. Find joy in the work find joy in the journey. I don’t know if he was gaslighting today but it felt like it. That’s why I stopped the conversation. He said something about how I used to pay $1000 toward the fam. That’s because I had students and he started tinysed the money he paid debt with as a weapon against me. At least that’s how it felt. 

I feel drained and depressed and I can’t sleep. I feel sad. AndI don’t want to spend the next 30’years like this. 

Here is the reality. I have 5 kids. Canyon is only 1. 13 months to be more precise. Lily is 11. I don't have stable income. Our marriage is better than it was 5 years ago. But there is a still a lack of trust, lack of respect, and lack of well, love. I read through old entries and wow! It validates so much. It perfectly shows the patterns that are toxic and destructive. I am going to be so tired in the morning. Hy heart is aching. I feel isolated and alone. Creighton told me last week that he does "cherish" me. I can't believe it. I don't beleive it. He doesn't trust my intuition. He wants to know when I'm okay with him getting a motorcycle- but is putting all the emotional investment- I need to have this to show something for all the work ive done... but not looking at the numbers logically. We have good days, and today wasn't a great day. It wasn't the worst but it wasn't the best. 

The shit hits the fan

 To my girls:

Marry the man who you can come home after an exhausting day and hug and hold you and let you cry, and then remind you how strong and awesome you are. The one who can just hold space in the moments you just need to cry. 

Do not marry the man who immediately tries to escape when you are stressed. You goes into she’s going to blame me for everything mode. And the. Tell you what your feel is just something you created or it’s just because you are on your period. That is very invalidating. 

Do not marry the man who makes to sleep on the cou CB and cand causes you to feel like you’re the only one chasing the issues. 

Do not marry te one who wakes you up at 5 am to tell you all of his feelings aggressively with no care to resolve anything. And then take it defensively whenever tou asked if he would like you to do that. Marry the many who will respect you even if his feelings are hurt. 

Do not marry the man who jabs you at your lowest, and then expects you to perform at your highest. That’s called manipulation. 

Do not marry the man who is in compassion fatigue. The one who doesn’t really listen. Do not marry the one who judges before he really understands. 

Marry a man who can just listen and love you. And understand the situation before placing judgment.

Marry the man who is accountable for his own mood, feelings, and thoughts, and doesn’t make himself a victim. This kind of man has a growth mindset. He doesn’t blame you. 

Marry the man who loves others. Who serves, and knows how to connect. Most importantly, to you his future spouse. 

Marry that man who knows your havei  by rough day and brings you flowers. And adores you. 

Marry the man who will never tear you down. Even in his own emotions. He is one who will treat you with respect the good and the hard. 

Do not marry the man who turns your stories and thoughts and questions them so you to question them. Knowingly or not. 

Marry the man who is always rooting for you and building you up. Who see the beautiful light you carry and helps you shine to the world and those around you. He builds you up and helps you feel more confident er. But that confidence also comes from you. 

I just need to write out all my anger. I feel so losses off and I am swirling with anger and resentment. Creighton is also doing things in the list. And he denies doing anything that could or would make a situation worse. He is judging me from my lowest moments and then doing jabs- and isn’t looking at the big picture. The big picture is that he is leaving g me hanging and doesn’t give a shit. He doesn’t care a o it my success. He doesn’t. He doesn’t care of my feelings. He doesn’t love me enough to care. I at least know to let people sleep who fucking need sleep. I feel so pissed off at him. He woke me up at 5 am to tell me everything he was feeling in an aggressive way and had no intention of trying to resolve anything- just wanted to shoot it all at me and leave. Didn’t want to make anything better. That part is on him, not me. I do feel so naive hate towards him. The truth is last night I DID need a better partner. One who could just listen and be there and let me cry. I craved it. And me saying that, causes him to feel insecure. I’m sorry you’re insecurity gets in the way of connection, but you distrust need to sleep so you can shoot your bullets. He is showing me that he doesn’t even want to be that protective supportive person. There’s no way in hell I am going to go on a date wit Gonzalo I HATE the person he is right now so much. This version of him I cannot stand. The volatile gaslighting person he becomes. Turning every bit of it on me not realizi he contributed to it. That really lights me up like lights up the anger and fire in me. I feel hurt and my heart is shattered. I am supposed to somehow show up today and he doesn’t care if I do or don’t. He doesn’t care if I fail miserably or succeed. At least that’s how it feels. 

And then he exploded at iris last night no knowing she was trying to help by cleanig up the kitchen. And made her feel like crap for it. 

I’ve got so much anger and resentment. Man up creighton and take responsibility for your own actions and stop acting like you didn’t do anything wrong. Take responsibility for yourself. And treat others how you would want them to treat you. 

Ask yourself befor you explode,  would I want someone waking me up at 5 am yelling at me? 

Would I want someone yelling at me if I walked upstairs? 

Would I want someone to jab an event I had been planning more awhile and am finally acting on, even if their feelings are hurt? Hell no. And also, I at least had the decency to walk away when I was upset instead of gaslighting you. I had thoughts running through my mind yes. But I didn’t aim that at you. I was processing through things privately. And you are holding that against me. That’s not okay. I did it in a healthier way than you be journaling. I did not breach the list because I didn’t aim it at you. I was processing it and expressing it in a quieter way so in could shift it. I was grieving not sing the supportive partner I felt like k needed. You are a big part of the problem omego. 

If I can succeed today that will be shock, thank you for showing me that you are not willing to communicate with respect. I think I tried to-like I said I felt disconnected and let me know when you able to talk- taking your sleep into consideration. I had feelings that came out under my breathe, I was ding crying. I don’t need to hear it’s just because I’m on my period. And then I sat in the bath to process my feelings but you felt you could say any thing you’ve wanted to me. 

It’s not going to help anything to act the way you ducking do.