Here is where the upper limit hits. Something good happens, and then something sabotages it. Well. I have clients coming in again. Finally, finding a place of gratitude. Ive been so stuck in scarcity and struggle. But i am seeing glimpses of hope. To top it, the kitchen was *mostly clean*. Which is a HUGE relief. I don't have to clean tonight.
But i go upstairs, get the kids to bed, show them love because I am feeling myself. I was the mother I want to be. Reading a story, saying prayers, cuddling with River, and doing the monkey song he likes. And telling him how he is. To my girls, Hearing them and what they have to say about them "being animals (an idea from the tv show), and showing Iris how ot braid hair, and singing them a song.
But then, the sabotage. And what that looks like is this: Creighton is stressed out and overwhelmed and clearly feeling resentment for having to work. I see it, I feel it. He is in bed, exhausted. And tells me how no one cares about him, or how he listens to suicidal kids, and basically showing me "he is one of those therapists who genuinely doesn't care bout his clients" because "therapist don't actually care". How me listening and suggesting he open up and express it, he doesn't have to deal with this alone... Is not supportive. How no matter what, we will never get ahead.. "We will. We just need to be consistent- tracking and the things he is doing is helping! its a journey, and it will take time.." No it won't...I don't care... Im just numb... I don't care … I'm fine... I'm not depressed or sad.... I'm over it... and he resists anything positive.
I mean all of that says, "I AM DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS... AND I"VE STUFFED SO MUCH DOWN, that I can't feel love and support even when its given... and I might take offense to some gentle truth bombs"
I can't change him and I can't force him to see the light. To have hope. I can't force him to feel supported. I just can't. I am not his savior.
Also, he wants to connect, and he wants it v.e.r.y. s.p.e.c.i.f.i.c........ through words of affirmations, not necessarily words of hope... and touch. But he cant connect to me emotionally if he cant connect to himself. He is disconnected to himself and God. He said it. He is numb. And in my opninion, numbness is a form of depression. And not caring. about anything. I might be wrong, but I feel like he is so bogged down, that his ability to see himself and life in a hopeful manner is limited.
I told him, you don't have to believe that.. THOUGHTS are not FACTS. Its simply that. They are not facts. They are opinions and we live the opinions we believe.
He feels like I am running away. The spirit prompted me to walk away and take space so I could stay in a positive vibration. He can choose where he wants to stay. It is sad to me though that he rejects anything other than his thoughts. I pray that he sees the light. I pray that a miracle may come upon his heart. Because this is a journey I need him to a part of. This is the part of him that hides in YOUTUBE to numb out. I pray that he wakes up and it truly honest with himself. And realizes he is not screwed or unappreciated. May angels help him as he sleeps.
