The first post in here was 8 years ago. It seems like we are not any further or doing any better then when I first started this blog. I still don't feel like he loves and cherishes ME. And I don't feel like its emotionally safe to express myself or even ask for money.
I can see where he is coming from. He has some resentment that any money i make would be going to a trip just for me. What he doesn't see is that those trips are hard for me in a big way. I fear being lonely. There is a part of me that doesn't want to go just because I know I will have lonely moments if I go. I know it. And that I won't connect with someone on a soulful level. And I KNOW I will miss my kids. SO much! I am going to want them with me. My heart will be focused on them a lot.
I am at a cross roads. A part of me is crushed. A really big part! What i want in a partner is someone who says, "Yes, go! I want you to enjoy yourself. You deserve is. You have done so much for the family and kids. You are turning 40 and that's a big deal."
That's what I want very much. Creighton has expressed that he feels like it's unfair beause the money he makes is all going to what i want... towards the family, the emergency fund, the yard.. like i am some kind of gold digger. For wanting an emergency fun in place.. That hurts. I feel guilt for buying most things, bringing what I need up because he becomes stressed and like he has to make more money. And if he wants anything, he buys it with his business money. And how I am not contributing. That hurts too because that shows me how he doesn't value what I do here at home, and for the kids. I feel like I;ve mentioned that I feel unappreciated and this is one of the reasons why. It feels like he downplays what I do here. That breaks my heart. I am not pretending to be perfect. I know I am not and I am okay with that.
I struggle with feeling like I'm good enough for him. Especially with my emotions and my big feelings. I feel like when he gets in a certain state, he gas lights me. And he thinks its this empowering thing for me. And the truth is, I feel so disempowered and so worthless. But, I am also recognizing that the way he's speaking to me does not have the intent of creating understanding and it becomes very judgmental towards me and my character. He thinks I am this negative person, and he is not seeing that he really did start out with the negativity. And that I am feeling SO hurt. Communication feels very unsafe. I still don't want a divorce, but its too hard and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this,
I hadmy moments today. I've felt anger and intense hatred and I've felt depressed and defeated. And I slammed 2 doors. He is so triggering. And I feel sad for my kids. When I started this, Juniper was only 1. She is 8 now. And she has prayed that we don't get a divorce. I've told him yesterday that I don't like him. I was being honest. I felt it was better than saying I hate you. And I felt many suicidal thoughts of wanting to die. No plans, but the desire because the pain was too much.
At the soccer games, he kept bringing it up, and pointing out my flaws. I can't tell you exactly what he said. What I do know is that every time he spoke, i wanted to cry.
He is struggling too. I know that. He is not *trying* to gaslight. He feels like I keep mis-interpreting the stories or the narrative. He feels unappreciated, like he'll never do right. What I mean to say is-he feels like Im unhappy is doesn't make enough, or if he works too much.
