Since the last big fight, I have been doing okay. And I can only say okay because I have not had the fire and motivation that I had before. My heart feels sad. I am lacking in the self-assurance of knowing who I am and my purpose again.
In fact, what is coming up is appearance. I don't feel beautiful. I believe with all my heart that beauty comes from within. It is the glow and brightness that shines from the eyes. And it is demonstrated in one's posture. And while I KNOW that, I am finding myself to be so critical of myself. Specifically with my head being "small". I feel plain looking. I remember as a child, roughly late elementary or Jr High complaining on my mom's bed about how I had a shrunken head. And my poor mom not knowing how to respond. I was so insecure in Jr. High. Kids used to make fun of me, calling my name over and over again. I would hide in the bathroom. I prayed everyday for a friend. And somehow I didn't recognize how I needed to be the friend to those who were also lonely. I am thinking of Amber Deegan. She was mde fun of too. And there were times that I participated.
I just ent to the training to be a trainer for Imperium Rubicon and one of the girls- Sarah who I think exuberates wisdom and beauty kept saying how "cute" I was. Cute like you would say how cute a puppy dog is or a baby animal. I didn't know how to respond.  It's like okay, thank you I think. I just don't know what that means.
Tonight I've been binging on organic fruit bars. I've made good meals today and cleaned, yet I still feel so hopeless.

Monday the 16th:
I feel so frustrated. One of the things that makes me so mad is how Creighton is either 100% all in on something or 0%. Its all or nothing. For example, because he got discouraged how 'his' plan didn't work out, he is giving up on paying debt. He constantly complains about having a car payment, and wants to use the $975 for a motorcycle. That is about 5 months worth of car payments. It feels really selfish to me.
I am a look at t he big picture kind of person. And he has one thing going through his mind all day long and right now it motorcycles. He got discouraged because I didn't "seem" 100% on board with what 100% looked to him. I honestly feel hopeless  because I can't express how what I am really thinking and feeling. Because if I do, there will be some big blow up in our relationship. And then it forces me to play small. This is the ONE huge liffe challenge that I can't share with the world because it would hurt creighton. I can't even share it with him. Because he is off in his own depression hyperfocused on motorcycles, and holds on to the belief that no mattter how hard we works, he can't get what he wants. He is looking for self-care. I get that. But he is not being smart. He could sell his dirt bike for $3000 and and we could pay $900 of that paycheck to the car and the remaining balance would be like $2000. Then we could realistically pay off his car in the next 6 months! But what matters most is that he wants a motorcycle.
In my throat chakra, there was holding back, biting tongue, anger afraid to speak, fear of saying something wrong. I am sure he is feeling the same thing. But seriously, this sucks! My heart can't take it anymore. This marriage really does feel loveless. I really don't understand why God just didn't answer me. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a clear answer. For a direct answer knowing, but not knowing how much, a marriage decision would affect my life. Marriage has been THE hardest struggle in my life and I don't want to struggle like this for another 10 or 20 years. I want the trial to be over. I've learned SO many lessons. Haven't I learned enough?

On top of that, there are so many directions I am bring stretched. It has felt like too much. But somehow even as I am writing this, I picture the toy parachute that is stretched in many directions and if it is not, than it falls. SO maybe that is why I am so stretched. But the thing is, I have always felt this. even with friends. I have always had this pull of wanting to be friends with everyone- and feeling like I couldn't mix them. And as a result, the pull with all them or the bond I should say was weaker. Could it be that i do need all of them to actually be balanced?

The biggest thing I want to do is create my own modality. That is one thing I do know. But about my marriage, that's where I feel really stuck. Either something needs to change, or I need to make a change. I know I have been putting effort into healing ME for years. I don't think Creighton is. I have taken charge of taking care of me, and loving myself, though I am not quite there yet. I now can acknowledge what I feel and not be hard on myself. That is a gift. I know the importance of self-care and a routine, though at times I fall out of it. I love the metaphysical world, the pesonal development world, the energy work world, the birth world, and I am combining them. I also have a desire to become and expert in personal and business finances.

I often feel timid with other people. And other times I feel confident. ANd other times I make myself look confident by sitting up straight. I don't know what people's imporessions are of me at first and that is something I want to know. I know in my head that my looks don't matter. And neither does my voice. that is my own self-judgment that has not been serving me and it has taken me 30 years to understand that. I know I am young and I have learned a lot. There is so much more to learn.

After another difficult conversation with Creighton, I have decided that I am no longer going to push him into trying to pay off his car. He has ben complaining about having a care payment and I'm done. He's not willing to do the work. Once again. He doesn't take into consideration the taxes and fees and every month and how much he'll actually be saving. So instead. I am going to put all my extra money into paying off my debt. Because, honestly, I don't know how long this is going to work. So If I can get ME debt free. That's a start.

April 19th
Things have gotten better. Creighton is not so depressed and negative right now. I appreciate that so much. He is helping with the kids more. Nothing being open is hard on everyone.

self-discovery and acknowledgement of a struggling but determined entrepeneur

I have been working as an entrenpeneur for 8 years! When I didn't know much, I struggles less than I struggle now. But, I was driven! I had a passion and I knew what I was meant to do. And people found me and I don't know how. It was amazing.

Fast forward to 2018. Juniper was a year old. And I felt this impression I needed to get Infusionsoft. So I did. And what that pushed me to do was create a website and start scheduling appointments again. I created Balance For Birth. I even had a table at the energy healing conference and wow that was a growing experience.

Fall of 2018 I signed up for the Confident Coaching Academy with Kuschla Chadwick. And I gained some valuable skills of interviewing people, doing mini-coaching calls, starting to create programs. I got really close with some people. REALLY close. After 3 months of non-stop calls and not making much, I fell. Meaning, I lost the energy and drive. At the same time, I became pregnant with River and the pregnancy used my extra energy.

What kept me going was going to Tammy Ward's retreat Feb 2019. And then April 2019. I met so many amazing like-minded people. The networking and resources  alone made the money worth it. It was also such a huge healing experience. I started having help with my website from the amazing Sarah- and did not have the funds to continue it.

Thanksgiving, I went on a FB event and talked about foot zoning and found one of my favorite clients.
December before Christmas of 2019, I went to a yoga class and met Rachel Hendrickson. Creighton bought us childcare for January and that boosted me. And it helped kindle a strong friendship with Rachel. I could see from the beginning that she is a force to be reckoned with. And I could feel the struggle. There were days that I felt so down.

I had my baby Last June and I knew I needed to slow down. I kept going anf going up until the day I gave birth. I had a full day planned that day- and my sweet baby boy graced this world with a resounding, "I cannot wait anymore". I took about 2 months to recover. But did some sessions here and there. Rachel and I were texting and she suggested we start doing workshops. And we did! Together it always came together so well! We did 5 workshops in a row every month. That is experience that is precious. The workshops where I felt drained and the ones I felt alive. The only difference- self-care the day of. We did these workshops out of our houses. The first one, we only had 2 people. But we rocked it. And we kind of collided and joined the same path.

We joined the Kyngdom Organizer, which fell right into our laps. After February 2020, we decided to make them quarterly with monthly zoom meetings. Then just quarterly. And we are discovering  what we are to do. What our individual missions are. We went to Julie Maye's retreat and she attracts people. And sometimes I feel like the shadow that goes unnoticed. But at the same time, I am finding my voice. I am using my voice. I will be heard. That is something I am progressing with. I figured out what my mission is. To create my own healing program. with a general certification followed by a Birth worker cetification. There is no one who can or will do  this like me. That became really clear.

The toughest part is making it all happen. Because I feel the resistance. Not only am I making charts, I am going to be writing a manual. Its basically a big book. I have 4 kids ages 6, 4, 2, and 8 months now. The biggest challenge has been time and having a proper workspace. I am in this phase of life where I am surrounded kids. And I love my kids. But I also lose it with them too. One for of resistance is doubting my capabilites  when I see others doing what i want to do. or even what I am doing already. Their events, speaking opportunities, social media engagement, coaching programs, names of their groups. Its getting to me. I feel defeated. How do I possibly make this all happen? There is a time and a flow. How do I live up to my highest potential?

I know what I need to do in a day, but with a cute boy who hasn't been sleeping the best schedule, I also get tired and sleepy. My heart feels depressed and discouraged. So many women who came to elizabeth's mothers blessing shows so much and they were so incitement and so gifted. It caused me to doubt my gifts.

I still move forward one step at a time. I can do this. With God, anything is possible.