A good month to a bad day

 Its interesting. The last month I feel like has gone better. I've felt more connection, and more kindness, but also more motivation from creighton. The big thing and a couple small things are his obsession with motorcycles. He wants a motorcycle so badly and I think its all he thinks about. It irritates me. BUt more than that, it causes me high discomfort because I feel unsafe financially. I also have resentment because I supported Creighton $2800 for his first dirt bike, $7000 for his motorcycle, $1600 for his trials bike and the 3 trucks he bought. I just wish he already had those things so he would stop pining over them. 

What's worse for me is especially in the past he would take my encouragement to use funds better as breaking him down and taking away his hopes and dreams, like I'm a dream stealer. That's what hurts the most. That when I express it, it causes him to think that him spending money is "bad" and selfish. And my fear is based on the past, but I know I need to move forward. And me bringing up my fear only brought him to the past too. I feel angry that he shuts down when I need to address this things. I feel angry that days then end up like today, which was a version of hell. 

Now I just feel so much anger and hatred towards Creighton. I hate how he shuts down, and I myself shut down today. When this happens, I want to stop being a mom, stop cleaning, stop doing what i do. I want to give up myself. I wanted to die even. Its days like this I want to leave my marriage. Better to be single than have shitty days like today. Juniper asked if we were breaking up. It's not the first time she's asked. I know she worries about it. My heart is broken... again. 

I was thinking I wanted to try for another baby. but then this happened and I'm changing my mind. If creighton wants to get a motorcycle, and save up for a vacation, and a truck, and a fence, and the living room, it all adds up. And thats another thing. He wants to do the living room. I've always wanted built in shelving. He wants an enterainment center. I feel trauma from a year ago about it. I don't want to be a part of it. 

The foundation of my marriage is broken, and I was telling C that it needs to be mended for me to keep goning forward. Its not the right wording, but our relationship feels so broken! ANd I hate him for it and I feel angry at myself for not recognizing the flags and thinking 15 years ahead  for not making a different decision. I regret marrying creighton.