The last few months have been interesting. My life is an interesting and boring life all at the same time. You could say it was boring in that I take care of kids, work, and try to manage all the things. I have lived my life being mediocre in all things, though that's not necessarily true. But it often feels true. I have also often felt lonely and disconnected which is why I love networking opportunities and working with clients.
Story:
I did this speaking competition a couple months ago. And I signed
up a couple hours before.
This speaking competition was a little different than
normal. You name gets picked randomly. And then you pick a topic. You have 15
minutes to prep with a story, a message, and a CTA- and 5 minutes to do it- in front
of judges….
Did I mention that I just started my period?
I arrived, and when they pulled the first name, guess you
they called? (pause and look, slow down)
Yep, ME!
I pulled my topic- “Time management” emphasize- Do you know
what I time I arrived yesterday?? 9:10 AM.
I sat in the hallway, I opened my book with story ideas… and
time management had NOTHING to do with ANY of them….
Time time time time--- and finally, a glimpse of an idea-
They called me back and I ever so slowly walked into that big scary room.
I walked on stage and began= it went something like this…
And I finished right before the timer and it was amazing! You know those
moments where you really did well, and your confidence goes up? I am feeling
pretty good about myself. And I made it into the top 3.
The next day, I had time to overthink, I mean prep…
I did not go first, I did NOT go 2nd, I went
last. I saw how amazing my competitors did and I started to doubt myself. The
nerves crawled into my chest while I could small my armpits and BO ever so slightly
I walked up on stage gracefully and began… act it out
Can I start over?... NO… of crap in my mind… I started again…
And by this time, I was too much in my head. How could I stop?? I put the mic
down and said, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. And I meant it. I made the ultimate
mistake. I was ready to go home and hide in my blanket. One of the judges
wanted to chat with me as we entered the kitchen behind the stage.… She looked at me in the eyes as she said- “You
have to go up there and finish” I don’t know if we can continue judging, but
you have to finish. What do you want out of this?
She had me do tapping- Its okay if I don’t win, its okay if
I do… etc.
“I don’t know” And honestly, I felt all the feels at that
moment. I felt the shame and humiliation of stopping on stage and asking to
start over... and because I KNEW that you keep going! I knew that. But at the
moment all the fear, and panic, and nervousness, and anxiety got into my head.
I was SO frustrated with myself and I wanted to run away. The last thing I
really wanted was to get back up there. But I decided I was going to even
though I felt ALL of that. Even behind the curtain, I still didn’t feel like I
could. I stepped out in all my humiliated glory, I stepped out onto the stage
and I saw 4:15, that means they gave me time back! And it gave me hope. And I
went and I did the thing. I even improved it with… “Can you smell that?”
After I finished, I still have all the emotions and feelings
I had to address because they wanted to flood outside of my eyes. I put my journal
down, set it on the table, and walked out. I saw heather walk out too, so I
avoided and went down the stairs, out the side door and hijacked it to my car. And
cried. And I was so angry with myself. I knew I absolutely could not win
because I stopped. I gave myself that time to cry. And eventually Heather came
to my car because somehow, I knew she was going to come. But she did an
alignment for me. And that really helped. I like the alignment process.
