There is a lot of emotional pain in my heart. There have been more times lately where I feel like things have been okay. I could breathe in my own house. But Creighton is someone I can't turn to right now. He is someone I am unable to effectively communicate with. He has this story is in his brain. And I can't change it for him.
I think what started this round of the toxic pattern is this: He wanted to go to California. I had a showcase/ have a showcase next weekend. And the kids spring break and his spring break are not matching. There were a few reasons that my gut said, NO. and leading up to spring break, there have been little comments that don't sit right with me. "no one wants to go..." I know we really wanted to do something. But it always felt so yuck to my gut. I think i know why more now. My van broke down. While I was driving on Friday, my car electrical screens were going on and off and the battery light came on and I was on I80. Gratefully, I arrived at the stoplight by pastures of saddleback. And I had a feeling, I should not turn off the car. I did and i couldn't turn back on. I called 911 because I was interrupting traffic. I waved car after car around me for about 45 minutes. A man parked at the gas station and he and another woman helped push my car to the smaller street. And I had my car towed to a repair shop which i pray that will fixe by Tuesday.
But if we went out of town, what could have happened? If Creighton felt the feelings he has now, and it happening at the best possible spot. How would he have handled it driving in the middle of nowhere, or somewhere between here and southern Utah? I can imagine he would have taken that so hard. And then when he complains about how much it will cost to fix the van. that's what the emergency fund is for. Peace of mind for when an emergency happens.
And then when he has these big ideas of moving to HI, or starting a homestead, how is he going to when things go incredibly wrong or don't work out at bigger levels? I support him going somewhere 100%. It can't look like how he wanted it to. He's comparing himself to everyone else who is going somewhere and sometimes the place to be is home. And that's how i felt about this. my nervous system doesn't feel safe with these big ideas he has when he falls apart when smalls things go wrong.
Going last night to the gathering with other Onyx members was very filling for my cup. I did a lot of good. and I helped get so many people out of pain. And i loved watching them move their body and realize they could do it without pain. With such simple tools. Amazing. And they cared about me. That meant a lot. They wanted me to also receive. There are good people all around. And I am grateful to know them
It helped me show up better today. I showed up brighter and energized despite my lack of sleep. Iris and I got the baskets ready. I had a good breakfast, and calm morning. It was nice. I invited my parents over and That was nice too. I asked Creighton to help out because he was on his phone disengaged from everyone. I need more help from him. I do. I feel unseen. He does not realize that if I didn't show up today, easter things would not have happened. We wouldn't have had breafast or baskets, or dinner, or dye easter eggs.
His negatively got bad again. And as low as he is, he doesn't want to do what it takes to feel better. I want him to do something for himself. But, I now know that I was walking on egg shells navigating his feelings. and that's exhausting.
The person I am is one who is honest. And direct. I do not beat around the bush.
I am a person who commnicates clearly and with respect. I don't speaking disrespectfully to Creighton. I did through test messages, even thought many of those things were true. It was not the respectful way to commnuicate those things. I breathe before I respond. I am a person of respect.
I am kind, not nice. Kindness does not get walked on. Kindness can be direct, and does not run from conlfict. Christ did not run from conflict. So I will not run from conflict. Clarity is kindness.
I exude the joy and glory of God. And I always will.
I confidently follow my yes's and say to my no's. I do what feels right
With financial decisions, I often feel like I need to hold in what I feel is right becuase of fear with his reactions. GOing forward- follow the gut response'
- WE need to separate the accounts- give %ages to each account
- I need to express where money needs to go
How can I hold an unbreakable boundary when Creighton is like this? What does it need to look lik to preserve my peace so I can be a constant?
- Do my self-care when he's struggling and doesn't want to change his mindset
- Reach out to friends and do therapy
- State out loud where I am going to stand- with Christ-
Be my own best friend- what would a best friend tell me? I choose to follow my savior jesus cbhrust. I refuse to listen to outside sources. you have no place with me. GEt behind me. State where I will stand. State where I AM going to stand.
