I realized today that I am 28 weeks pregnant. 28 weeks. 28 weeks. How is time going so quickly? Its like, one week in and one week out. Time just keeps going and I want it to slow down. I had a midwife appointment and I just wanted to take a nap on their bed.
I feel so angry because I feel like I do the cleaning most of the time and I just wish that for once, Creighton could see how tired I am and say, "go take a nap". But he is tired too, so that is what he is thinking about. I want to just not care oabout the house right now. not care about the dishes, not care about a clean kitchen. But I do! I want a clean house.
I want a basement with 2 extra bedrooms, one for a child and one for the baby, with the basement being the toy room. Everyone else has a basement. Here I am coveting what others have and nt being grateful for what I have.
Honestly, I am not ready to bring a baby into theworld. I feel ill prepared. One thing that tirggered anger was Creighton talking baout how he would go back to work one week after baby is born and just the thought of this makes me angy. And upset. I refuse to takae care of 4 kids 1 week post-partum. How could he expect something like that? That is exactly was triggered my post-partum anger- having to care for 3 kids at 2 weeks post-partum. It shouldn't be like that. I hate that society just expects women to bounce back. I know for a fact that I need more time than that.
I don't know how I am going to do this. 12 weeks seems much too soon. My heart feels angry. I am also angry because Creighton mentioned a trampoline but now its all on me if it happens or not. Not both of us. ME. I am tired of things being on ME only. Like getting the kids to bed. I got Juniper to sleep. Then because he was on the phone, even if it was with his dad, Iris needed help so I had to help her, then Lily. Its like he doesn't even think about how I mihgt possibly be feeling. That causes me to feel extremely upset.
I want to be excited and happy about bringing another baby into this world, and frankly I just don't. Its not that I won't love this child, its just how tired and exhausted I am. I sincerely hope that he doesn't expect me to feel recovered after one week. He has no idea what it feels like being pregnant and I feel a feeling of resentment stirring just thinking about it.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Anger
I sincerely hate cleaning the kitchen. I cook, clean, then cook again, then clean again. Then with any extra snacking ,there is more dishes. And though its been a little better recently, I feel so overwhelmed when absolutely nothing gets done.
And I know it is not the only thing that defines creighton and what he does for us, but it is something that is triggering for me. He has done a lot to help today. The emotions I feel are so intense that they kind of just take over all the other feelings. And he started to lose his temper. I didn't take it out on him, just because he felt it does not mean I took out my frustrations on him. They stopped at my lips.
The other thing is, I have just been feeling overhwhelmed in general. It feels like my body container is overflowing with emotions and they keep piling on as I don't get the self-care that I need and want. The onlt times I do technically get a break is when I am working and that is totally different than getting a break. He had a great idea of giving me a break the other day, but that didn't happen. The timing didn't work out.
I feel so irritated right now. Just with life. I desperately need more self-care. desperately. To be able to function and for my sanity. I need to figure out what me things I can do that help me feel alive. Like the real me. Something FUN.
And I know it is not the only thing that defines creighton and what he does for us, but it is something that is triggering for me. He has done a lot to help today. The emotions I feel are so intense that they kind of just take over all the other feelings. And he started to lose his temper. I didn't take it out on him, just because he felt it does not mean I took out my frustrations on him. They stopped at my lips.
The other thing is, I have just been feeling overhwhelmed in general. It feels like my body container is overflowing with emotions and they keep piling on as I don't get the self-care that I need and want. The onlt times I do technically get a break is when I am working and that is totally different than getting a break. He had a great idea of giving me a break the other day, but that didn't happen. The timing didn't work out.
I feel so irritated right now. Just with life. I desperately need more self-care. desperately. To be able to function and for my sanity. I need to figure out what me things I can do that help me feel alive. Like the real me. Something FUN.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Try Try Try
So this week, we are attending Royalty in Romance. And the hope of this is to reset our relationship and get off to a better spot. Oh man, this was not the day I was hoping. I prayed for protection spiritually, for a miracle that we could do this event without conflict. And it came back to bite me in my heart. It seemed like it should have been such a small thing. I am not upset at myself, a little with Creighton and I feel so sad for him because its like he is so set on his emotionally charged mindset.
Everything we learned was about mindset, perceptions, forgiveness, becoming a better you, working together, how to have tough conversations, creating new stories- and its like nothing got absorbed into his head. He went right back to they way he feels is the weay he feels, and when I clarify, I am somehow telling he is wrong. He got so hurt, and assumed so many negative things about me when I was being open and respectful. I told him, "this is hurting my feelings". And his only response what he was hurting too. I did my best. I did cry because it broke me heart. And he took that as people judging him, him being a stupid husband, and everytthing else he thought. He walked away from me when I was crying. He didn't try to comfort me in any way even though I tred reassuring him that I DID want to spend lunch with him. He was so stuck in his blocked mindset, he was unable to see any other way. I couldn't find him and he had my phone. So I went to one of the building, sat in a quiet and worked on my own mindset, which is the best thing I could have done.
I talked my self into remebering that my value doesn't change by the way he sees me or thinks about me. I am worthy of love and acceptance. I am not responsible for his emotions and how he manages them. It did help. I went back more composed and he wouldn't even look at me. He is holding to so many neg thoughts and emotions with me. It was made into a huge thing, but it was small. It didn't need to happen like that. But it takes 2 people who are willing not asssume and adjust their mindset. I can't do it alone to create success in this marriage.
THe other thing that he is not even thinking about- he has told be a few times that he wasn't sure about goingm one time to cancel the babysitter, and yet I put all this effort into making this happen. I got babysitting arranged. I went grocery shopping and packed healthy snacks and a lunch. I woke up, got the kids food. I've done a lot that went unrecognized.
How can he only think about the way he feels? And he say he "cares about how i feel". Yet, he showed no compassion or concern. Some sarcasm, which was also talked about. He keeps going back and forth from over the top stress to 'trying" to be positive. It's hard to keep hope for the summer when he is stresssed no matter what his life situation is. Working, not working, getting a 2nd job, taking the test. I know this is stressful. But I don't believe it impossible.
Mostly, I feel sad and unloved. I feel sad because he did not once take what I said and have compassion on me. He did not once comfort me. He did not once, let down his pride to possibly see a different way. I feel like he doesn't think about me being pregnant, needing rest, bring me flowers, or see all the work I do because he is always in stress mode. I just feel sadness in my eyes. Perhaps a miracle will happen, but for now, I am just responsible for my own happiness. Not his. He has to choose that.
There was a breakthrough. I can confidently say that crying is not bad. Its 100% okay that I needed to cry. Its a way of expression and releasing. And its healthy. I love myself even with my emotions. I can love myself if I am happy, sad, heart broken, alone. I can still feel that emotion and accept myself as I am. I am worthy of kindness, forgiveness, love, respect, understanding, and all the things I want in a marriage. I can't stay up too late. I am exhausted. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Everything we learned was about mindset, perceptions, forgiveness, becoming a better you, working together, how to have tough conversations, creating new stories- and its like nothing got absorbed into his head. He went right back to they way he feels is the weay he feels, and when I clarify, I am somehow telling he is wrong. He got so hurt, and assumed so many negative things about me when I was being open and respectful. I told him, "this is hurting my feelings". And his only response what he was hurting too. I did my best. I did cry because it broke me heart. And he took that as people judging him, him being a stupid husband, and everytthing else he thought. He walked away from me when I was crying. He didn't try to comfort me in any way even though I tred reassuring him that I DID want to spend lunch with him. He was so stuck in his blocked mindset, he was unable to see any other way. I couldn't find him and he had my phone. So I went to one of the building, sat in a quiet and worked on my own mindset, which is the best thing I could have done.
I talked my self into remebering that my value doesn't change by the way he sees me or thinks about me. I am worthy of love and acceptance. I am not responsible for his emotions and how he manages them. It did help. I went back more composed and he wouldn't even look at me. He is holding to so many neg thoughts and emotions with me. It was made into a huge thing, but it was small. It didn't need to happen like that. But it takes 2 people who are willing not asssume and adjust their mindset. I can't do it alone to create success in this marriage.
THe other thing that he is not even thinking about- he has told be a few times that he wasn't sure about goingm one time to cancel the babysitter, and yet I put all this effort into making this happen. I got babysitting arranged. I went grocery shopping and packed healthy snacks and a lunch. I woke up, got the kids food. I've done a lot that went unrecognized.
How can he only think about the way he feels? And he say he "cares about how i feel". Yet, he showed no compassion or concern. Some sarcasm, which was also talked about. He keeps going back and forth from over the top stress to 'trying" to be positive. It's hard to keep hope for the summer when he is stresssed no matter what his life situation is. Working, not working, getting a 2nd job, taking the test. I know this is stressful. But I don't believe it impossible.
Mostly, I feel sad and unloved. I feel sad because he did not once take what I said and have compassion on me. He did not once comfort me. He did not once, let down his pride to possibly see a different way. I feel like he doesn't think about me being pregnant, needing rest, bring me flowers, or see all the work I do because he is always in stress mode. I just feel sadness in my eyes. Perhaps a miracle will happen, but for now, I am just responsible for my own happiness. Not his. He has to choose that.
There was a breakthrough. I can confidently say that crying is not bad. Its 100% okay that I needed to cry. Its a way of expression and releasing. And its healthy. I love myself even with my emotions. I can love myself if I am happy, sad, heart broken, alone. I can still feel that emotion and accept myself as I am. I am worthy of kindness, forgiveness, love, respect, understanding, and all the things I want in a marriage. I can't stay up too late. I am exhausted. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
My letter to God
Dear God,
I need you. I feel so broken. So worn down. And Creighton has his own mess to say the least. I don't feel like I can talk to him. I need success in my business so I can support myself and pay for things we need without the stress of it all. I feel so triggered by him. I know he is trying his best. And I am trying my best too. But it feels like our bests is not good enough. The best we have cannot really make this marriage work. I don't know how I can possible move foward and love him the way that a wife should with all these intertwined emotions and stories. I want to help people and make a thriving business out of it, but my own personal difficulties always seem to get in the way. Please help me God. Tell me what to do. How do I get out of the this negative and destructive cycle without separating? Realistically.
How can I find joy and happiness in this pregnancy and birth with so much despair and heartache?
What lessons am I not learning? Or am I less at fault than I think? I need some answers God. These trials have brought me to the bottom again.
Dear Suzie,
I know your struggles. I see the pain you feel. I see the sadness in your heart. and I am sad to see you feeling this way. You cam to this Earth witha knowledge it would be difficult. And you felt hesitant you could handle it. But I have promised you a SAvior and with that, you help on. Just like you are still holding on. You have great strength in you. It is engrained in your soul. As broken as you feel, You have strength deep inside to turn around and see your life in a different light. I can't promise your marriage will be all you wanted it to be. That takes 2 of you. But I can promise that when you sacrifice to help your spouse feel loved, connections grow. Your business will grow. Your voice needs to grow first. Speak from your soul. From your heart.
You have a gift of change. A capacity to see what is really happening within you. To help you in having a better persepctive. You are holding a lot of negative emotions and its blackening your light. And your baby feels this, as does your body. Love yourself even if Creighton doesn't. He cannot determine who you are by his own limitations. I am concerned for his welfare as well. He needs a little more support. yes, but not just from you. Until he gets it, it will be difficult for him to heal.
THis baby is set on coming. Love your child. It needs to be a choice right now. The feeling will come. THe birth of this child can be a healing one- if you let it. Creighton not coming to your birth can separate you more. It will not help your relationship. That being said, you need to do what is best for you and you need to feel safe.
Set safe boundaries. Stick to them. You have the tools to create healthy boundaries. Go now and research.
I need you. I feel so broken. So worn down. And Creighton has his own mess to say the least. I don't feel like I can talk to him. I need success in my business so I can support myself and pay for things we need without the stress of it all. I feel so triggered by him. I know he is trying his best. And I am trying my best too. But it feels like our bests is not good enough. The best we have cannot really make this marriage work. I don't know how I can possible move foward and love him the way that a wife should with all these intertwined emotions and stories. I want to help people and make a thriving business out of it, but my own personal difficulties always seem to get in the way. Please help me God. Tell me what to do. How do I get out of the this negative and destructive cycle without separating? Realistically.
How can I find joy and happiness in this pregnancy and birth with so much despair and heartache?
What lessons am I not learning? Or am I less at fault than I think? I need some answers God. These trials have brought me to the bottom again.
Dear Suzie,
I know your struggles. I see the pain you feel. I see the sadness in your heart. and I am sad to see you feeling this way. You cam to this Earth witha knowledge it would be difficult. And you felt hesitant you could handle it. But I have promised you a SAvior and with that, you help on. Just like you are still holding on. You have great strength in you. It is engrained in your soul. As broken as you feel, You have strength deep inside to turn around and see your life in a different light. I can't promise your marriage will be all you wanted it to be. That takes 2 of you. But I can promise that when you sacrifice to help your spouse feel loved, connections grow. Your business will grow. Your voice needs to grow first. Speak from your soul. From your heart.
You have a gift of change. A capacity to see what is really happening within you. To help you in having a better persepctive. You are holding a lot of negative emotions and its blackening your light. And your baby feels this, as does your body. Love yourself even if Creighton doesn't. He cannot determine who you are by his own limitations. I am concerned for his welfare as well. He needs a little more support. yes, but not just from you. Until he gets it, it will be difficult for him to heal.
THis baby is set on coming. Love your child. It needs to be a choice right now. The feeling will come. THe birth of this child can be a healing one- if you let it. Creighton not coming to your birth can separate you more. It will not help your relationship. That being said, you need to do what is best for you and you need to feel safe.
Set safe boundaries. Stick to them. You have the tools to create healthy boundaries. Go now and research.
Pregnancy and marriage
Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time. It is supposed to be a time of hope. But when your marriage is constantly collapsing, how can it be? Right now, I have lost my hope. Lost my joy. This pregnanc has been really difficult in that my marriage has been is in a horrible spot. From Creighton's addictive tendencies and the emotional addiction cycle, and my rollercoaster of emotions, to not being able to trust him with intimacy. And him feeling extra emotional baggage because of that. Its a complete mess to be perfectly honest.
I don't even want to go to the Royalty in ROmance right now. I don't have hope. In this prgnancy, Creighton has said, he considered giving the baby up for adoption. Then today, he is scarred for the baby, and remembered it gets worse after having the baby. And doesn't even want to be a part of the birth. And I also have had feelings of not wanting him there. How can I trust him in this vulnerable time? I can't right now. One minute, he says he is giving me the benefit of the doubt. 15 minutes later, he he feeling resentment and hatred toward me. A bunch of BS if you ask me.
My heart is shattered. My soul is broken. And what would happen is I did die? Would he even care? I think it would be a relief for him if anything. I don't feel like I have a whole lot of people to talk to about my struggles and trials. People who really can understand and be there for me. And right now, I feel very alone.
How can be in a place to prepare for the birth of this baby with so much heart ache? Who can I trust? Who can I possibly talk to? This is what i feel like. My whole body is filled sadness. And all week long, I try to do my best to support and love my children, be patient with them, show them tenderness, and then with Creighton provide a good meal even though I am exhausted, keep the house managed and semi clean, show some affection (though I could show more). And on top of that grow a business. I am focusing on doing self-care for myself, though that is not fully successful yet.
I didn't realize this until recently during an energy healing session, I am holding onto so much emotion inside so I don't affect anyone else with it. Mostly my kids. THere comes a point where I feel so much emotion in my body, a lot that is not mine, and a lot that is mine, where is becomes hard to cope with anything else. And than I hit a combustion point where it all comes out at once and Creighton cannot handle it. He becomes defensive and resentful. And this is the reason I am trying to do so much self-care. So I can better process my emotions and keep myself in an optimistic place.
They say your mess is your message. Well here is my mess. I am overstressed and overwhelmed with the daily respoinisibilities of life, kids, adulting, marriage, and other responsibilities. And it feels hard to find the time to take care of me. And then I feel more overwhelmed because my kids and husbands needs do not stop. But my self-care has to. And my cup gets more and more empty. And feel more and more anger.
When you just look at my marriage, that is a whole different but linked side to this. I don't wish the type of marriage I have on anyone. It's hard. It's messy. And it hurts. There is a lack of trust, love, and respect. And to be perfectly honest, its on both side.
You really don't know what its like for others at home, until you live in their shoes. Have experienced their life. So when you are judging others, stop and think, maybe they are having major trials in their life.
I don't even want to go to the Royalty in ROmance right now. I don't have hope. In this prgnancy, Creighton has said, he considered giving the baby up for adoption. Then today, he is scarred for the baby, and remembered it gets worse after having the baby. And doesn't even want to be a part of the birth. And I also have had feelings of not wanting him there. How can I trust him in this vulnerable time? I can't right now. One minute, he says he is giving me the benefit of the doubt. 15 minutes later, he he feeling resentment and hatred toward me. A bunch of BS if you ask me.
My heart is shattered. My soul is broken. And what would happen is I did die? Would he even care? I think it would be a relief for him if anything. I don't feel like I have a whole lot of people to talk to about my struggles and trials. People who really can understand and be there for me. And right now, I feel very alone.
How can be in a place to prepare for the birth of this baby with so much heart ache? Who can I trust? Who can I possibly talk to? This is what i feel like. My whole body is filled sadness. And all week long, I try to do my best to support and love my children, be patient with them, show them tenderness, and then with Creighton provide a good meal even though I am exhausted, keep the house managed and semi clean, show some affection (though I could show more). And on top of that grow a business. I am focusing on doing self-care for myself, though that is not fully successful yet.
I didn't realize this until recently during an energy healing session, I am holding onto so much emotion inside so I don't affect anyone else with it. Mostly my kids. THere comes a point where I feel so much emotion in my body, a lot that is not mine, and a lot that is mine, where is becomes hard to cope with anything else. And than I hit a combustion point where it all comes out at once and Creighton cannot handle it. He becomes defensive and resentful. And this is the reason I am trying to do so much self-care. So I can better process my emotions and keep myself in an optimistic place.
They say your mess is your message. Well here is my mess. I am overstressed and overwhelmed with the daily respoinisibilities of life, kids, adulting, marriage, and other responsibilities. And it feels hard to find the time to take care of me. And then I feel more overwhelmed because my kids and husbands needs do not stop. But my self-care has to. And my cup gets more and more empty. And feel more and more anger.
When you just look at my marriage, that is a whole different but linked side to this. I don't wish the type of marriage I have on anyone. It's hard. It's messy. And it hurts. There is a lack of trust, love, and respect. And to be perfectly honest, its on both side.
You really don't know what its like for others at home, until you live in their shoes. Have experienced their life. So when you are judging others, stop and think, maybe they are having major trials in their life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)