a day

 I am really grateful to have this space where I can openly share the grief, emotional pain, sadness, and sorrow i experience. One of the deepest things I cannot openly share is that I don't feel the love for creighton I want in this marriage. I don't know that I have the capacity to love him and accept him 'as he is' and unconditionally. 

When we dated, i was not true to myself. I still wish to this day that someone would have said or asked me, Do you feel joy with him? Are you excited and ahppy around him, or do you feel off? How is your commincation? Does he cause you to cry often?because that will not change after marriage. IF thats the case, don't marry. I needed someone to be blunt and honest with me when I didn't know how to do that for myself. I feel jealousy for others who have the loving marriage relationship I yearn for. 

On top  of that, I have felt so worthless. And depressed. I realize now, I have trauma from working with Julie. Because I invested SO much into my coaching with her, I felt like she didn't deliver, was too busy, and I feel rejected. I know in my mind that this is my story, not hers. I am left with 18k in debt, which now I feel humiliation and shame for. Creighton is super stressed, about them. I have been. I've gone in waves, where I felt the fgratitude and abundance. And other waves of discouragement, how will I make ends meet this month? Etc. I am feeling that now. And I realize that I really don't believe I have what it takes. I don't. I am still comparing myself to others. I'm tired of missing out of fun activities and I am deperately yearning for the beach and Hawaii. 

Paying off my cards feels so out of reach. Filling my FZ certification class feels out of reach. It all feel close to impossible. And What am I even doing? Why am I doing it? I feel bored. I feel uninspired. And I feel inadequate in being able to deliver. I feel overburdened. And my heart feels sad and broken. 

My values

 1. Integrity- this is honesty. Being honest with myself and other, even when its hard. And acting through honestly. 

2. Accountability: Recognizing when we are in the wrong. And owning it, and then turning to God so we can make it better, not blaming others for our actions. Because blame stunts growth and inprovement. 

3. respect: Respecting ourselves and others. A huge part of this is communication. And taking a step back to access a situation before we go in and create judgement. In order to do this, it is essential to process through our emotions and feelings.  

4. Building healthy relationships: relationships are everything. Literally. They make or break beautiful experiences that bring joy or heart breaking moments. And beliefs are early indicators of what the results will be. Its easily predicatable. Because they are just repeititve thoughts. And thoughts are creating emotions over and over again. They cause us to be triggered and react. healthy joyful relationships depend on the other values. And this even includes a relationship with self. 

5. Seeking to understand: There is so much judgement in the world. So many made up stories of what we think that other people think, that cause us to create extra heartache. When we go in seeking to understand, it clears up miscommunication. And prevents hurtful communication because it stops sabotagin judgment in its tracks. 

6. Physical movement and nourishment: This is essential because we are human beings in a physical world with physical bodies. If we don't take care of our bodies, it impacts how we are able to think and feel. It goes back to the basics. 

7. Adventure: Adventure for me is doing something new, going somehwere new, experiencing something new, challending your body, stepping into the unknown. This is a catalyst for change and inmprovement.  

8. Courage: to go and do in spirt of fear or doubt. COurage to get in the arena and BE vulnerable. The critics will there and so will I.  

Understanding the beliefs

 I think I'm getting it. The brokeness that is hurting me and impacting everything. Because nothing matters: the house, the yard, the coat, the truck, my business. But ultimately what makes or breaks experiences is relationships. That's the only thing we can take up to heaven with us. SO much of  our experiences in this physical world is the things though. Becuase its the physical things that help us to HAVE experiences. And that requires money. 

Through the heartbreaking moments of today, I realize what mycore values are. There are 7 of them. And they apply to ourselves, with others, and with God. 

1. Integrity- this is honesty. Being honest with myself and other, even when its hard. And acting through honestly. 

2. Accountability: Recognizing when we are in the wrong. And owning it, and then turning to God so we can make it better, not blaming others for our actions. Because blame stunts growth and inprovement. 

3. respect: Respecting ourselves and others. A huge part of this is communication. And taking a step back to access a situation before we go in and create judgement. In order to do this, it is essential to process through our emotions and feelings.  

4. Building healthy relationships: relationships are everything. Literally. They make or break beautiful experiences that bring joy or heart breaking moments. And beliefs are early indicators of what the results will be. Its easily predicatable. Because they are just repeititve thoughts. And thoughts are creating emotions over and over again. They cause us to be triggered and react. healthy joyful relationships depend on the other values. And this even includes a relationship with self. 

5. Seeking to understand: There is so much judgement in the world. So many made up stories of what we think that other people think, that cause us to create extra heartache. When we go in seeking to understand, it clears up miscommunication. And prevents hurtful communication because it stops sabotagin judgment in its tracks. 

6. Physical movement and nourishment: This is essential because we are human beings in a physical world with physical bodies. If we don't take care of our bodies, it impacts how we are able to think and feel. It goes back to the basics. 

7. Adventure: Adventure for me is doing something new, going somehwere new, experiencing something new, challending your body, stepping into the unknown. This is a catalyst for change and inmprovement.  

I believe that by holding onto these core values, you can create a beautiful life. 

I came to some big realizations in the struggle I experienced tonight. And I know they don't define me, for I can learn from them. But I wonder, when will these moments end? These small consistent heart shattering moments that braek me to my soul. 

Here is what i realizeis causing my own suffering, and just being very honest with myself. These are the beliefs severely impacting me. 

I am unworthy and undeserving of having things that cost money or time- coats, shoes, groceries, gas to go places, disney world, trips, household things, it was "an office"

I am not able to take time to really nourish myself- 

I am an inconvenience

What I want is not obtainable

The Upper limit

 Here is where the upper limit hits. Something good happens, and then something sabotages it. Well. I have clients coming in again. Finally, finding a place of gratitude. Ive been so stuck in scarcity and struggle. But i am seeing glimpses of hope. To top it, the kitchen was *mostly clean*. Which is a HUGE relief. I don't have to clean tonight. 

But i go upstairs, get the kids to bed, show them love because I am feeling myself. I was the mother I want to be. Reading a story, saying prayers, cuddling with River, and doing the monkey song he likes. And telling him how he is. To my girls, Hearing them and what they have to say about them "being animals (an idea from the tv show), and showing Iris how ot braid hair, and singing them a song.  

But then, the sabotage. And what that looks like is this: Creighton is stressed out and overwhelmed and clearly feeling resentment for having to work. I see it, I feel it. He is in bed, exhausted. And tells me how no one cares about him, or how he listens to suicidal kids, and basically showing me "he is one of those therapists who genuinely doesn't care bout his clients" because "therapist don't actually care". How me listening and suggesting he open up and express it, he doesn't have to deal with this alone... Is not supportive. How no matter what, we will never get ahead.. "We will. We just need to be consistent- tracking and the things he is doing is helping! its a journey, and it will take time.." No it won't...I don't care... Im just numb... I don't care … I'm fine... I'm not depressed or sad.... I'm over it... and he resists anything positive. 

I mean all of that says, "I AM DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS... AND I"VE STUFFED SO MUCH DOWN, that I can't feel love and support even when its given... and I might take offense to some gentle truth bombs"

I can't change him and I can't force him to see the light. To have hope. I can't force him to feel supported. I just can't. I am not his savior. 

Also, he wants to connect, and he wants it  v.e.r.y. s.p.e.c.i.f.i.c........ through words of affirmations, not necessarily words of hope... and touch. But he cant connect to me emotionally if he cant connect to himself. He is disconnected to himself and God. He said it. He is numb. And in my opninion, numbness is a form of depression. And not caring. about anything. I might be wrong, but I feel like he is so bogged down, that his ability to see himself and life in a hopeful manner is limited. 

I told him, you don't have to believe that.. THOUGHTS are not FACTS. Its simply that. They are not facts. They are opinions and we live the opinions we believe.  

He feels like I am running away. The spirit prompted me to walk away and take space so I could stay in a positive vibration. He can choose where he wants to stay. It is sad to me though that he rejects anything other than his thoughts. I pray that he sees the light. I pray that a miracle may come upon his heart. Because this is a journey I need him to a part of. This is the part of him that hides in YOUTUBE to numb out. I pray that he wakes up and it truly honest with himself. And realizes he is not screwed or unappreciated. May angels help him as he sleeps. 

The struggle

 I was in my house, which was acutally clean. The main floor was clutter free. The counters clear except for the piles of papers I don't know what to do with. My clients left, who were my friends. It was so nice to reconnect with becky and shane and Fayeth and Nevaeh. I really enjoyed their visit. Creighton came home. And julie messaged me about her event coming up. And I was just so torn about going. I used my pendulum and got the no answer. But of course questioned it. All the things came flooding back because hshe doesn't see what my bank account looks like or how we only have $200 in our account. I sat in discouragement, wanting to cry. I was upfront and honest with Julie, even letting her know I don't expect her to cater to me. I finally decided to ask for a blessing. And The sorrow and frustration mixed with depression, feeling like the victim of my circumstances. And the blessing stated many things I needed to hear. I had time to prepare for the blessing. And I read scripture after scripture- nothing standing out to me. I prayed. and I felt God had somehow abandoned me and was just watching me struggle. 

its like the other morning when I went walking. I was talking to God, feeling discouraged. and even angry and resentful towards God. My faith in tithing has weened. I don't even know exactly what I believe anymore. And then I spoke to C's higher self. And then he appeared on the path. 

I was also riddled with fear of actually being able to accomplish teaching foot zoning. And I feel like I am not as "qualified". What am I actually doing and what do I want to do? And how do I combine it? All this has left me feeling more confused. My clients are not able to support my CC and Marci payments. Tears were flowing slowly outof my eys as the pain of all this tore me apart. I see these doors that can help bring extra income, But stepping through them in confidence...  I feel like a little girl wearing a woman costume tryingto fillin the role, but not giving my clients what I want to give them. 

I messaged Julie again and opened up about some of these feelings. And she tolsme words I needed to hear. That Fear will not get me out of these circumstances. I needed to step into the innovative creative inspired me. And that I was strong and capable. Tears come to my eyes thinking about it. So it was then I decided that the money would work out and I would go.But I still struggle with leaving my son so many days. I love him so much and the fun age he is. He is developing into this determined humorous fun little boy. I love him. And I don't love arranging babysitting. 

But I am hopinh to leave this event with more clarity and confidence than I am feeling now. And formiracles because God knows I need them. Otherwise I'll dip into a negative account balance, which I really don't want to happen.  

Confidence

 

Confidence:

Story: Speaker Competition

Layers that make up Confidence:

·       God-

o   Connection to God/ Higher Power

o   Meditation

o   Seeking inspiration

·       You

o   Expression- Are you expressing?

o   Language- Building yourself up vs Tearing Yourself down

o   Trusting Intuition

o   Listening to your yes’s and your no’s

·       Belief

o   Most of our beliefs come from childhood

o   They dictate your thoughts and emotions

o   Drives you unless you take the drivers seat

o   Not enough- not adequate

o   Someone can tell you how amazing you are, if you don’t believe it, you won’t feel it

·       Boundaries

o   Supported by your beleifs

o   Lack of Boundaries vs Healthy Boundaries

o   Honoring your own boundaries so you can make them with others

o   Stand up and speak

·       Daily Action- the moment you take a step toward that thing, confidence builds- small or big

o   Movement

o   Body language

o   Steps

o   Define what it is you actually want

Putting it together-

Having the confidence to do something you desire- what did you feel guilty about?

Spartan RAce- finish post

 

Dear lord,

 

I’m coming to thee to receive an answer, or at least guidance. There is a Spartan race I signed up for and… All the old things are coming up.

 

It feels completely inconvenient

 

Creighton hurt his back. Jason is here. Creighton is grumpy.  Just a lot of negativity I feel completely incircled by. I Could also do it on Sunday, but I know it is the sabbath. If I were to look back to my upbringing, it’s a sport and its on Sunday, and you don’t do sports on Sunday.

 

I feel anger and frustration with Creighton at the moment. He can act pretty rude. But I also know that there is a portion I am accountable with. I feel ALL the feels. Like he is resenting me or something. I think whats coming up is fear, fear that I can’t do what I want or else it will have negative repercussions. But if I don’t, I’ll know I didn’t act on behalf of what feels most right.

 

What would thou hast me do?

 

Go in the morning, because its not the sabbath day.

Don’t go and try to get a refund or credit

Don’t go tomorrow and go in Sunday?  I need to know now because I’d have to leave in 6 hours.

 

Mt daughter, I see you are torn.

Well... I DID go on Saturday and There was no race for the 10k. It was only on Sunday. So i stopped and worked out at a cute place in Kaysville recommended to me by Angela. And after lots of prayer and questioning, the same answer came over and over. Just go. "If I were you, I would go". So I woke up at 6 AM and went to snow Basin for this run. I got there a bit late, cut in line and they let me through. I didn't make it to the starting line by 8:30 AM. But got there shortly there after. And I'll tell you. This race was difficult, From the very beginning. My stomach was not totally okay. It felt weak. This made the obstacle courses challenging. This "run" was more of a hike. It was tracking up steep and long trails to an obstacle course that presented another challenge when I was exhausted already. If I couldn't complete one, I had to do the penalty lap, so probably ran more than 6 miles. And I forgot you could get help.. My favorite obstacles are the ones that use my legs AND arms. 

I got to the rope to climb up, and I couldn't do it. I lost at least 10-15 minutes. And this point I wanted to cry. Because..... burpees. They had to be "proper" to count. I must have done at least 40. 

June 2022 Speaker Bootcamp and Competition

 The last few months have been interesting. My life is an interesting and boring life all at the same time. You could say it was boring in that I take care of kids, work, and try to manage all the things. I have lived my life being mediocre in all things, though that's not necessarily true. But it often feels true. I have also often felt lonely and disconnected which is why I love networking opportunities and working with clients.

Story:

I did this speaking competition a couple months ago. And I signed up a couple hours before.

This speaking competition was a little different than normal. You name gets picked randomly. And then you pick a topic. You have 15 minutes to prep with a story, a message, and a CTA- and 5 minutes to do it- in front of judges….

Did I mention that I just started my period?

I arrived, and when they pulled the first name, guess you they called? (pause and look, slow down)

Yep, ME!

I pulled my topic- “Time management” emphasize- Do you know what I time I arrived yesterday?? 9:10 AM.

I sat in the hallway, I opened my book with story ideas… and time management had NOTHING to do with ANY of them….

Time time time time--- and finally, a glimpse of an idea- They called me back and I ever so slowly walked into that big scary room.

I walked on stage and began= it went something like this… And I finished right before the timer and it was amazing! You know those moments where you really did well, and your confidence goes up? I am feeling pretty good about myself. And I made it into the top 3.

The next day, I had time to overthink, I mean prep…

I did not go first, I did NOT go 2^nd, I went last. I saw how amazing my competitors did and I started to doubt myself. The nerves crawled into my chest while I could small my armpits and BO ever so slightly

I walked up on stage gracefully and began… act it out

Can I start over?... NO… of crap in my mind… I started again… And by this time, I was too much in my head. How could I stop?? I put the mic down and said, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. And I meant it. I made the ultimate mistake. I was ready to go home and hide in my blanket. One of the judges wanted to chat with me as we entered the kitchen behind the stage.…  She looked at me in the eyes as she said- “You have to go up there and finish” I don’t know if we can continue judging, but you have to finish. What do you want out of this?

She had me do tapping- Its okay if I don’t win, its okay if I do… etc.

“I don’t know” And honestly, I felt all the feels at that moment. I felt the shame and humiliation of stopping on stage and asking to start over... and because I KNEW that you keep going! I knew that. But at the moment all the fear, and panic, and nervousness, and anxiety got into my head. I was SO frustrated with myself and I wanted to run away. The last thing I really wanted was to get back up there. But I decided I was going to even though I felt ALL of that. Even behind the curtain, I still didn’t feel like I could. I stepped out in all my humiliated glory, I stepped out onto the stage and I saw 4:15, that means they gave me time back! And it gave me hope. And I went and I did the thing. I even improved it with… “Can you smell that?”

After I finished, I still have all the emotions and feelings I had to address because they wanted to flood outside of my eyes. I put my journal down, set it on the table, and walked out. I saw heather walk out too, so I avoided and went down the stairs, out the side door and hijacked it to my car. And cried. And I was so angry with myself. I knew I absolutely could not win because I stopped. I gave myself that time to cry. And eventually Heather came to my car because somehow, I knew she was going to come. But she did an alignment for me. And that really helped. I like the alignment process. 

Patterns

 I have a confession. When we end the evening not communicating well, and feeling  hurt in our own ways, I have a tendency to watch the show When Calls the Heart, until  very early in the morning. In fact, its 1:23 AM. I think I like this show because its everything I don't have in my marriage. Its got the gentleman behavior, the romance, the independent women, and it has what I desire most in a relationship. The strongest sense of love, that I feel we lack. 

The biggest thing we have a hard time with is communication, personalizing it, and basing our worth based on the heartbreaking moments. Even if its something small that triggers it. Its small, but its not small. Its such a small thing that its actually BIG.  And it creates an energy of depression and internal conflict, which impacts out parenting. He starts to bury himself in his phone while I do sometimes and I take over most things around the house while he is in his rabbit hole. Meanwhile, I can't keep up with other things like finances, and I need to call the IRS. 

But I've learned a lot from these negative patterns we have. When I feel this sense of discouragement, I know I am not just feeling my emotion. I am feeling a lot of his. And It impacts me drastically. I lose motivation and hope. The tears sit behind my eyes while I feel alone in my struggle. 

When Calls the Heart is also addicting. I could watch episode after episode. I love the sense of community in it. Sometimes I wish I lived in this time period. It was so much more simple. And I know I would have challenged the beliefs of that time. I was never meant to strictly follow rules or do things how they have always been done. 

 The last few months have been interesting. My life is an interesting and boring life all at the same time. You could say it was boring in that I take care of kids, work, and try to manage all the things. I have lived my life being mediocre in all things, though that's not necessarily true. But it often feels true. I have also often felt lonely and disconnected which is why I love networking opportunities and working with clients. It fills a void. But I also have felt a desire to just not work.

People also say how sweet and nice I am. Its a little triggering because I know there is so much more to me than being nice and sweet. I am a risk taker, driven, opinionated even if I don't express it, empathetic, strong, and adventurous. When I am at events, I make it a  point to be very personable, welcoming, kind, etc. At home, I try to. But i lose my patience with my kids often, and with Creighton as well. 

I have so many goals and desires, and most of my desires get crushed for 2 reasons. Money and Creighton's responses impact me often. Even with simple things like doing a BBQ with a new friend on the 4th of July. She was so kind to invite us, yet Creighton complained. And that crushed my heart. And I also think I've lost friends because i didn't feel like I could grow friendships because of how he responded to me. And I  don't really want to spend time with him tomorrow if he's going to be stuck in the low part of his depression. Now I know getting married means being there in the good times and the bad, in health and in sickness, but I don't know that we can do that for each other. we have showed each other time and time again, that we are not good together. That we trigger each other. That we are very different people with different goals. How long are we going to keep trying before something just blows up and its all over? 

And now I also have learned that I have a trauma response to sex and intimacy. The moment he mentioned anything close to it, I freeze up. my heart stops. A wall immediately comes up. And even if it feels good, my heart is so frozen in fear that i can't totally enjoy it or feel connected. And I know this impacts his feeling of worth. Its also the reason we haven't gotten pregnant. How can something that has caused me so much trauma create something so miraculous and beautiful as a baby? \\

Tonight, I sound like a Debbie downer. My heart is sad and tomorrow is a new day. I know this all does not define me. 

 Have you every felt like the world, or your world was crashing down on you? That's how it feels at the moment. Creighton is not super able to be there for me right now. He's got his own struggles, and me- I feel like I am crumbling. My heart is crumbling. And I want to stop. I want to stop all the things. But it feels difficult because of the debts I am paying off. I guess you could say I am in burnout. 

I am very triggered by C, which doesn't help. And I'm starting a certification where I feel absolutely unqualified for. I am still paying Julie off- I've only got 3 months. But then there's speaker training for C, which I really don't know if he'll really appreciate it... And Then I want to totally restructure my business, and I kind of know how, and I don't have any clue how to do it- And I've got so much fear of my certifcation being a flop. My heart feels torn and unloved. I've been completely exhausted. And any event that is a retreat, I feel guilty about it. 

And I have had 2 reviews stating that they won't be coming back to my home- because of the disruptions with my kids and the dog, even with a babysitter. Something is not working and I don't know the best solution at the moment. What are my next steps? And when can I actually make $ that can benefit my family? I feel very sad. And i hate disappointing people. i want to give a refund back or something. I don't know what to do. 

I wish I had someone to talk to about all this? I can't keep it in, and i won't keep it in.  

Immersion

 2/23/22

I spoke at Immersion yesterday. I felt so much anxiety and nerves as I have prepared for it the last few months, everytime I sat down to work on it I went blank. I literally spent hours and several nights falling asleep. When it came down Toni, I finished day slides at 6 am Friday morning. 

I did really well! And I was so pleased with myself. I got up there and shared story about what it felt like sitting in the closet of grief when c and I got into arguments in Hawaii. And how I was introduced to energy work- and I found moments to bring laughter in- like statements that are obviously not true- like marriage is bliss…. Pause … 

My main point was that everyone is a healer- teaching them the basic steps to healing- recognize, release, replace. The best was when I brought up 2 brave volunteers. The first who I helped with releasing a curse, followed by her helping the next lady with her own thing, and it’s worked out amazingly. The light in her eyes after releasing the curse was brighter. Everyone saw it. 

The sales portion I felt like went super well and it was well received. And I sold 2 boxes , though one was returned and several emotional card decks. I didn’t make a profit, but made $900.

The audience was well receiving and I didn’t agree with all the things Candice taught. But there were a lot of male speakers and they were pretty great as well, including Justin and Bryce, and chiropractor spoke as well. 

Creighton was so super supportive and I’m grateful for his help. He was super Prpud of me. 

 Setting yourself up for success

Have you ever tried to imporve yourself, only to stop or fall back into old habits? Me too. The concept of setting yourself up for success has been in my mind for a very long time. And it came into fruition when I had small goals of things I wanted to achieve, but in order to achieve those things, I had to set up my surrounding to support that. And Once I did that, it was a game change. This is a concept that works, except when you do it. It works when you implement it in that area in your life. This can apply with any situation. In this book, I will many stories of the different ways I have put this into practice. 

 Prayer to God:

Dear God, Jesus Christ, and Heavenly mother,

I am struggling. I feel such little hope for my life and what I can create. I took such huge leaps of faith in 2021, where I don't see the financial gain from it. I know its not everything. But I want to be self-reliant. My marriage feels broken. My spirit feels broken. I feel like my light has been doused. And I am now unable to be that light for others. 

Part of me wants to quit all things I progressed in last year. Because of how tired and depleted I feel. I've lost my fire in me. So please be clear, help me. And give me clear direction. What do you want me to focus on this upcoming  year? 

My daughter,

I want you to listen carefully. Your are tired, I know that. I see you. And I love you. You are being led on a path that is unique with challenges that you can and must learn to overcome. I don't want you to give up on yourself, your business, or your marriage. You must

1. understand the lessons you've learned from this year

2. non-negitiables

3. do the small things that help

Set yourself up for success. and rest when you need to rest. 

What about my goals? 

1. Master my self-care- without guilt or feeling inconvenient- 

• physically- 3 days a week for 2 weeks
• emotionally- 
• mentally
• spiritually 
• socially 

2. Financial- Pay off all my debt- successfully budget

3. fill my certifications- 10 people each- march and Oct- state of mind needs to shift. 

• FB, utah connect, my own group

4. Create family time and memories-  goin places

5. Pole fitness

6. Go to sleep earlier

7. create systems in the home

8. schedule dentist appointment

Are they in alignment with you?

Depression

 Can I be totally honest?

I feel depressed and hopeless. Life has felt really difficult and I have felt very stuck the last few months.  I didn’t feel the joy I would love to experience on Christmas morning. I did feel upset with the drastic amount of presents we received. Kind of an oxymoron with how blessed we really were. 

But the truth is, I think this stems from feeling unsupported emotionally in my marriage, marriage conflict, arguments in my home, and our inability to create conflict resolution. 

I remember last year, one year ago feeling the same dark hopeless feelings. We had a rough day on December 31st. I don’t remember the details. My New Years last year felt a little bleak. 

As I analyze this last year, I have never felt so tired and exhausted. It feels chronic. I’ve done so much, accomplished so much, and I also got into a lot of debt. And I’ve also made and fostered many beautiful friendships. It felt like work took over my life this year. But I also got to go to Disney world and universal studios! It’s amazing. 

When I hear my kids fighting, it breaks my heart. It’s triggering. If I get triggered and react, then I break their hearts and that breaks my heart more. But what causes me to explode even more is when I feel hurt and belittled by my husband. And most of the time, he doesn’t mean to do it. 

Right now, my spirit feels so sad, and alone. I feel broken and because I feel broken, my motivation is very low, and I don’t have the energy I want for my kids. And forgiving my husband is hard 

Many are starting the year feeling super motivated and I still feel depleted from the last year. I went so hard and tried to rest and give myself permission to rest, but it never felt like enough. . 

I have lost the spark in my business. It feels tiring. I love the connections and I make and miss the joyful experiences with my family. 

I need God  and the savior now, and it feels like I am blindly moving forward despite all the prayer that I do on a daily basis. I feel like I took huge leaps of faith and God promised me he would provide and It feels like he broke his promise. I know I must continue in faith. Faith sometimes feels broken. I am at home while my family is at church. And I feel torn about that, but I don't have the extra car to get myself there. 

But this is also good time to connect myself to God and hopefully get some answers. 

The best way I can describe to:

Crying in my bed, while the sun is shining, the kids are playing and laughing and running around, in my new house, in my new bed frame that I love. I had family over yesterday and went to the karaoke night with good friends. I am surrounded by light yet I felt so dark. I don't even know where the morning went. Iris, brought me a gram cracker with marshmallow spread in bed, and gave me a rock wrapped in paper. Creighton tried to help despite hurt feelings last night. Lily cuddled next to me and my kids told me what they loved about me. It helped, but the depressed feeling is still there. At least I don't feel like dying.