Covid-19 has been a bowl full of emotions from angry, frustrated, at peace, joy, and more. But right now, more than the stress of these political times is my marriage. Once again, Creighton is stressed and struggling. And he thinking I am judging him and controlling him with food, making him feel guilty. And that I am withholding sex. This is not the case for either. he can ea anything he wants. I won't stop him. But he has been quite judgmental with me and I feel wounded.He is taking feelings I had when I was feeling depressed last night and jabbing me in the face. He may have been nice about it last night, but today I saw a very different man. He has brought up the past so much today and used it as amo to justify how he was treating me. 

You know what I really think? I think he feels worthless and outof control. SO when I suggest something with food,, he triggered with guilt. And then blames me for making him for feeling guilty because he is unable to look inside and take accountability for his own thoughts and emotions. We will always be the victim until we take accountablity for what we feel and think. And at the same time, there are times when we absolutely need to express how we feel in a respsecful way. We we tear down and cross boundaries that hurt someone, we are hurting ourselves more. 

I take accountabiliy for my own thoughts and emotions. The feeling of being abandoned that I felt today was already inside of me. But it was triggered by something that normally wouldn't affect me, but I was emotionally stacked. I have been holding onto a lot and had a lot of walls up this past weekend. It didn't start with creighton. It started with stress fo school, time, money, time management, lack of organization, not getting enough sleep, parentingstruggles, and not getting done what I want. What tipped me when Creighton wanted me to intimate and started complaining how I feel this and that an said many judgmental things that hurt my feelings. When I am sad, he mentions how about old pattens and how I will react and what I will do. He is manifesting struggle when he does this! Does he not see I am improving? or that I have the capability to improve?  That hurts when he sees me as this mean, judgy person, who is withholding sex. I am so much more than that! I am a queen and I will be treated llike a queen. I am royalty. And so is he. He just doesn't see it.