New Year’s Eve 2020

 December 31 2020

Right now I am in the middle of a breakdown. And for the first time in awhile, I hate my life my marriage and what’s happening right now. I hate how impatient he can get and then not even recognize he’s acting  like a jerk and then get all hurt about it not feeling safe to express myself or talk to him. I’m In tears sitting my car uncontrollably  crying sitting in an whirlpool of grief.

And he thinks I’m just being judgmental. He has no idea the pain and grief I am in  and I don’t llanos the level of pain and grief he is in. This is not how a date is supposed to be. Dates are supposed to be a time to connect and bring more Ubuntu to the marriage while this “date” is tearing me and us apart. If a guy is genuinely respectful and kind and people are genuinely happy and can stay that way in marriage- it’s great for them and I am happy for them, but for me I don’t know what that feels like. 

He hurt my feelings yesterday and he hurt my feelings today. And the day before that I was way overdue in caring for my own needs. And I’m on my period. 

I know life is not always easy and it’s about how you get back up and keep trying- but it’s moments like this I want to run away and hide. And not get back up.  And sit in the grief and wallow in my sorrow. Maybe it’s just all this emotion that needs to our our because I don’t let it all out while I try and hold it together day after day after day- for my kids for Creighton for my clients, and all the responsibilities that have to get done. 

I do feel hated. And I’m tired of his impatience and raising his voice at me just because he is stressed. Having that 2 days a week to do my thing and take clients and have a business fills my soul. I need it for my mental and emotional health. It’s what keeps my mindset sharp. Because that is what I teach: emotional intelligence and a positive mindset- and working through the shitty feelings- sorry for the swearing- it’s just where I am at right now. And how to step out of it- perhaps this moment is just where I need to feel it and I need to let it all out. And I wish it’s err safe to let it out with him. But it’s not.  If it’s for nothing else- having a business keeps my mental health in check- 

I know there are people who love and care for me. Creighton can’t be one of them right now which I think is what hurts the most. I could have anything I need- which I think symphony of the cells would do me good. Dr. McIntire came out and talked to me-I feel out of sorts. 

He suggested deep breathing- in for in for 7- hold for 2- out for 7- hold for 2. I know I’ll be okay. It’s just all this emotion that needs to come out. And it’s intense. It’s really intense. 

We went home after going to the chiropractor office and it was miserable. There is not other word that describes that drive better. And being home, I cried off and on all day long in despair and hopelessness. I don’t know why it hit so hard today. But when I landed on the bottom. There was a new bottom. And I sank lower and lower and lower. My girls were especially sweet- bringing me plates with an orange a piece of bread and chocolate. 

I know Creighton is hurting  and I know I’m hurting. And where hurting so much that it’s separating us. It took me 3 hours to get out of my house with the despair that I felt. And I was losing it and being rude and disrespectful. And I swore and yelled the whole car ride to American fork at a pretend imaginary Creighton. I couldn’t my parents. I feel so alone. So I came to the temple. 

And here a quiet peace came to my soul. Even though I couldn’t get myself to pray. And even while I was yelling and screaming and swearing. In the quietness I could hear  “I know.. I know..” and I put Pandora on and the song  that came on was josh groban don’t give up. I don’t know if I can go home tonight. I feel so lost. I mean, I have had rough times and days but it’s awhile since it was to this extent. 

The song right now is you’re still you. Good songs. I like josh  groban. My heart feels like it was smashed into a million pieces. It’s not the New Year’s Eve I wanted to have- a pretty good year shattered by a stupid attempt for a date. And I’m not ready for 2021. I don’t even know how much I’ve eaten today. Prob not enough. I has some Mac and cheese, pancakes this morning, and snacked on chocolate.

Other song that came if was roads by Chris Mann. 

Here is what I’ve learned from today:

1. Don’t start if Creighton is feeling frustrated at all

2. It’s easier without him

3. I’ve got a whole lot more healing needed than I thought 

4. I hate not keeping promises to my girls

5. Crying at home doesn’t help me feel better when C is around 

6. I can’t trust Creighton to be vulnerable with my darkest thoughts and emotions 

7. I need better communication because that is destroying us right now 

8. I may feel like I am at the bottom- but there is always a lower bottom if I let myself get there 

9.  I lost sight of me today 

Dear god,

Where do I go from here? Today was so hard. And I feel alone. How I keep going or recover from here? 

My daughter,

I forgive you. I know your pain and it hurts me. None of this defines you. It was a moment. A moment you needed to go through to help you remember so you can help you other daughters. You already know, it’s not how far down you go, it’s how you get back up. One step at a time. You may feel alone and depressed and unmotivated- but this is not you and it will not last. 

God, how do I rise up from this? 

Daughter, 

One action at a time. What does your soul need? 

God, my soul  needs comfort. 

Daughter, then allow it to be given. Don’t close it off before I there’s can even give it to you. You have multiple people you can turn to but you’ve shut them off without giving them the opportunity not be there for you.

God, I feel like I’m so worthless and I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. 

Suzie, you need connection, that grows relationships and connection. Being alone won’t help you nearly as much as connecting. 

God, I do t want to bring my bad mood in. I don’t want to be vulnerable. How can I trust anyone? If my husband can’t be there, no one else can fill that void. 

Daughter, you wouldn’t let him. You let your emotions get in the way. And he is one person. 

God, but then I have to back HOME to him! And I can’t. I’ll get triggered all over again. 

I know.. but you don’t have to get triggered. 

God, just tell me what to do- I can’t promise I can do it though. 

Suzie, please trust me. Go to someone’s who you feel loved by. Get some healing through your parents. That’s why I gave them to you. 

Okay. 

So I did go over and opened up to my parents. I’m home now and it’s 1 am. It was quite an emotional day. I’m not spilling over with emotion but I am super exhausted.