Since the last big fight, I have been doing okay. And I can only say okay because I have not had the fire and motivation that I had before. My heart feels sad. I am lacking in the self-assurance of knowing who I am and my purpose again.
In fact, what is coming up is appearance. I don't feel beautiful. I believe with all my heart that beauty comes from within. It is the glow and brightness that shines from the eyes. And it is demonstrated in one's posture. And while I KNOW that, I am finding myself to be so critical of myself. Specifically with my head being "small". I feel plain looking. I remember as a child, roughly late elementary or Jr High complaining on my mom's bed about how I had a shrunken head. And my poor mom not knowing how to respond. I was so insecure in Jr. High. Kids used to make fun of me, calling my name over and over again. I would hide in the bathroom. I prayed everyday for a friend. And somehow I didn't recognize how I needed to be the friend to those who were also lonely. I am thinking of Amber Deegan. She was mde fun of too. And there were times that I participated.
I just ent to the training to be a trainer for Imperium Rubicon and one of the girls- Sarah who I think exuberates wisdom and beauty kept saying how "cute" I was. Cute like you would say how cute a puppy dog is or a baby animal. I didn't know how to respond.  It's like okay, thank you I think. I just don't know what that means.
Tonight I've been binging on organic fruit bars. I've made good meals today and cleaned, yet I still feel so hopeless.

Monday the 16th:
I feel so frustrated. One of the things that makes me so mad is how Creighton is either 100% all in on something or 0%. Its all or nothing. For example, because he got discouraged how 'his' plan didn't work out, he is giving up on paying debt. He constantly complains about having a car payment, and wants to use the $975 for a motorcycle. That is about 5 months worth of car payments. It feels really selfish to me.
I am a look at t he big picture kind of person. And he has one thing going through his mind all day long and right now it motorcycles. He got discouraged because I didn't "seem" 100% on board with what 100% looked to him. I honestly feel hopeless  because I can't express how what I am really thinking and feeling. Because if I do, there will be some big blow up in our relationship. And then it forces me to play small. This is the ONE huge liffe challenge that I can't share with the world because it would hurt creighton. I can't even share it with him. Because he is off in his own depression hyperfocused on motorcycles, and holds on to the belief that no mattter how hard we works, he can't get what he wants. He is looking for self-care. I get that. But he is not being smart. He could sell his dirt bike for $3000 and and we could pay $900 of that paycheck to the car and the remaining balance would be like $2000. Then we could realistically pay off his car in the next 6 months! But what matters most is that he wants a motorcycle.
In my throat chakra, there was holding back, biting tongue, anger afraid to speak, fear of saying something wrong. I am sure he is feeling the same thing. But seriously, this sucks! My heart can't take it anymore. This marriage really does feel loveless. I really don't understand why God just didn't answer me. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a clear answer. For a direct answer knowing, but not knowing how much, a marriage decision would affect my life. Marriage has been THE hardest struggle in my life and I don't want to struggle like this for another 10 or 20 years. I want the trial to be over. I've learned SO many lessons. Haven't I learned enough?

On top of that, there are so many directions I am bring stretched. It has felt like too much. But somehow even as I am writing this, I picture the toy parachute that is stretched in many directions and if it is not, than it falls. SO maybe that is why I am so stretched. But the thing is, I have always felt this. even with friends. I have always had this pull of wanting to be friends with everyone- and feeling like I couldn't mix them. And as a result, the pull with all them or the bond I should say was weaker. Could it be that i do need all of them to actually be balanced?

The biggest thing I want to do is create my own modality. That is one thing I do know. But about my marriage, that's where I feel really stuck. Either something needs to change, or I need to make a change. I know I have been putting effort into healing ME for years. I don't think Creighton is. I have taken charge of taking care of me, and loving myself, though I am not quite there yet. I now can acknowledge what I feel and not be hard on myself. That is a gift. I know the importance of self-care and a routine, though at times I fall out of it. I love the metaphysical world, the pesonal development world, the energy work world, the birth world, and I am combining them. I also have a desire to become and expert in personal and business finances.

I often feel timid with other people. And other times I feel confident. ANd other times I make myself look confident by sitting up straight. I don't know what people's imporessions are of me at first and that is something I want to know. I know in my head that my looks don't matter. And neither does my voice. that is my own self-judgment that has not been serving me and it has taken me 30 years to understand that. I know I am young and I have learned a lot. There is so much more to learn.

After another difficult conversation with Creighton, I have decided that I am no longer going to push him into trying to pay off his car. He has ben complaining about having a care payment and I'm done. He's not willing to do the work. Once again. He doesn't take into consideration the taxes and fees and every month and how much he'll actually be saving. So instead. I am going to put all my extra money into paying off my debt. Because, honestly, I don't know how long this is going to work. So If I can get ME debt free. That's a start.

April 19th
Things have gotten better. Creighton is not so depressed and negative right now. I appreciate that so much. He is helping with the kids more. Nothing being open is hard on everyone.