Pregnancy #4

I found out I was pregnant shortly after the Art of Mentoring. I realized I was 2 weeks late for my period, which had been regular for about 6 months. There were about 4 times that we were not careful with the pulling out method before that. And in that short time I got pregnant. I do not know the instance I got pregnant, but I do know  that i wasn't ready on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level. Like normal, my marriage was struggling, but this time it was REALLY struggling. Which made the finding out even more difficult to take in. I didn't tell C creatively because I was being more honest with him, and I didn't tell him right away because there didn't seem to be a 'good' time  where he wasn't stressed out. But when he asked, I told him.

I was in an emotional state of disbelief and denial. I couldn't even face the fact that I was pregnant. So I told not one, well almost no one. I told Laurel Higgins, a girl in my ward. And Creighton accidently leaked it to his mom. I hadn't even had an ultrasound. Or midwife appointment. She kept asking about it, but I didn't really want to talk about it much. I told my family on Christmas day through a present, and it got mixed up with Tami's gifts so it was confusing for my family. Even that was hard for me. How long can one keep this in? I am pretty sure I could have kept it secret fom my family months longer.

Part of the reason I didn't want to tell people is because they would be more excited than ME. And I know so many people struggling to get pregnant, I don't want to trigger emotions in them. And at the same time, I should not let that down play the joy that I cold feel, but I have done that. It took me a few months just to accept the fact that I was pregnant. A big part of this what that it wasn't MY plan or MY timing. I had things I wanted to do and accomplish, and I didn't see how I could make that happen. Also, I wanted to get the metal out of my elbow while it was covered under insuarnce. or so I thought. And how am I going to be a mother of 4 kids? Handle that I mean. How am I going to arrange the sleeping? Putting Junie in the girls room sounds like a terrible idea  because being n her own room makes it so much easier to put her to bed.

In early December, Creighton vomitted  his can of worms on me in the car. And it was not good. I got home feelng shattered. and broken. Eveything was falling apart. I was. My marriage was. ANd I was 10 weeks pregnant or something like that. How could I possibly be ahppy and joyful about being pregnant? Then in January, there was yet another incident. The state a marriage can most definitely impact how one feels about a pregnancy. I know first hand.  In December and January, you still couldn't tell I was pregnant. It wasn't obvious to the eye, so most people didn't know. I don't announce it.

January rolled into February way too fast. I think the moment I truly accepted it and it felt real was seeing the 19 week ultrasound. Seeing the baby move and turn an open its mouth.  Even then, I could tell, but it was easy to hide because it was winter and my winter coat hid the PG very well. It was in Feb that  people could kind of tell, but didn't often ask in fear of being rude.

Right now, its the middle of MArch. And it is not hidable. I am 25 weeks pg, and not ready at all to give birth. Not emotionally, not mentally, not visually. How I am going to pay for the birth? I don't even know that.