Depression

 Can I be totally honest?

I feel depressed and hopeless. Life has felt really difficult and I have felt very stuck the last few months.  I didn’t feel the joy I would love to experience on Christmas morning. I did feel upset with the drastic amount of presents we received. Kind of an oxymoron with how blessed we really were. 

But the truth is, I think this stems from feeling unsupported emotionally in my marriage, marriage conflict, arguments in my home, and our inability to create conflict resolution. 

I remember last year, one year ago feeling the same dark hopeless feelings. We had a rough day on December 31st. I don’t remember the details. My New Years last year felt a little bleak. 

As I analyze this last year, I have never felt so tired and exhausted. It feels chronic. I’ve done so much, accomplished so much, and I also got into a lot of debt. And I’ve also made and fostered many beautiful friendships. It felt like work took over my life this year. But I also got to go to Disney world and universal studios! It’s amazing. 

When I hear my kids fighting, it breaks my heart. It’s triggering. If I get triggered and react, then I break their hearts and that breaks my heart more. But what causes me to explode even more is when I feel hurt and belittled by my husband. And most of the time, he doesn’t mean to do it. 

Right now, my spirit feels so sad, and alone. I feel broken and because I feel broken, my motivation is very low, and I don’t have the energy I want for my kids. And forgiving my husband is hard 

Many are starting the year feeling super motivated and I still feel depleted from the last year. I went so hard and tried to rest and give myself permission to rest, but it never felt like enough. . 

I have lost the spark in my business. It feels tiring. I love the connections and I make and miss the joyful experiences with my family. 

I need God  and the savior now, and it feels like I am blindly moving forward despite all the prayer that I do on a daily basis. I feel like I took huge leaps of faith and God promised me he would provide and It feels like he broke his promise. I know I must continue in faith. Faith sometimes feels broken. I am at home while my family is at church. And I feel torn about that, but I don't have the extra car to get myself there. 

But this is also good time to connect myself to God and hopefully get some answers. 

The best way I can describe to:

Crying in my bed, while the sun is shining, the kids are playing and laughing and running around, in my new house, in my new bed frame that I love. I had family over yesterday and went to the karaoke night with good friends. I am surrounded by light yet I felt so dark. I don't even know where the morning went. Iris, brought me a gram cracker with marshmallow spread in bed, and gave me a rock wrapped in paper. Creighton tried to help despite hurt feelings last night. Lily cuddled next to me and my kids told me what they loved about me. It helped, but the depressed feeling is still there. At least I don't feel like dying.