I have a confession. When we end the evening not communicating well, and feeling hurt in our own ways, I have a tendency to watch the show When Calls the Heart, until very early in the morning. In fact, its 1:23 AM. I think I like this show because its everything I don't have in my marriage. Its got the gentleman behavior, the romance, the independent women, and it has what I desire most in a relationship. The strongest sense of love, that I feel we lack.
The biggest thing we have a hard time with is communication, personalizing it, and basing our worth based on the heartbreaking moments. Even if its something small that triggers it. Its small, but its not small. Its such a small thing that its actually BIG. And it creates an energy of depression and internal conflict, which impacts out parenting. He starts to bury himself in his phone while I do sometimes and I take over most things around the house while he is in his rabbit hole. Meanwhile, I can't keep up with other things like finances, and I need to call the IRS.
But I've learned a lot from these negative patterns we have. When I feel this sense of discouragement, I know I am not just feeling my emotion. I am feeling a lot of his. And It impacts me drastically. I lose motivation and hope. The tears sit behind my eyes while I feel alone in my struggle.
When Calls the Heart is also addicting. I could watch episode after episode. I love the sense of community in it. Sometimes I wish I lived in this time period. It was so much more simple. And I know I would have challenged the beliefs of that time. I was never meant to strictly follow rules or do things how they have always been done.
The last few months have been interesting. My life is an interesting and boring life all at the same time. You could say it was boring in that I take care of kids, work, and try to manage all the things. I have lived my life being mediocre in all things, though that's not necessarily true. But it often feels true. I have also often felt lonely and disconnected which is why I love networking opportunities and working with clients. It fills a void. But I also have felt a desire to just not work.
People also say how sweet and nice I am. Its a little triggering because I know there is so much more to me than being nice and sweet. I am a risk taker, driven, opinionated even if I don't express it, empathetic, strong, and adventurous. When I am at events, I make it a point to be very personable, welcoming, kind, etc. At home, I try to. But i lose my patience with my kids often, and with Creighton as well.
I have so many goals and desires, and most of my desires get crushed for 2 reasons. Money and Creighton's responses impact me often. Even with simple things like doing a BBQ with a new friend on the 4th of July. She was so kind to invite us, yet Creighton complained. And that crushed my heart. And I also think I've lost friends because i didn't feel like I could grow friendships because of how he responded to me. And I don't really want to spend time with him tomorrow if he's going to be stuck in the low part of his depression. Now I know getting married means being there in the good times and the bad, in health and in sickness, but I don't know that we can do that for each other. we have showed each other time and time again, that we are not good together. That we trigger each other. That we are very different people with different goals. How long are we going to keep trying before something just blows up and its all over?
And now I also have learned that I have a trauma response to sex and intimacy. The moment he mentioned anything close to it, I freeze up. my heart stops. A wall immediately comes up. And even if it feels good, my heart is so frozen in fear that i can't totally enjoy it or feel connected. And I know this impacts his feeling of worth. Its also the reason we haven't gotten pregnant. How can something that has caused me so much trauma create something so miraculous and beautiful as a baby? \\
Tonight, I sound like a Debbie downer. My heart is sad and tomorrow is a new day. I know this all does not define me.
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