I am really grateful to have this space where I can openly share the grief, emotional pain, sadness, and sorrow i experience. One of the deepest things I cannot openly share is that I don't feel the love for creighton I want in this marriage. I don't know that I have the capacity to love him and accept him 'as he is' and unconditionally.
When we dated, i was not true to myself. I still wish to this day that someone would have said or asked me, Do you feel joy with him? Are you excited and ahppy around him, or do you feel off? How is your commincation? Does he cause you to cry often?because that will not change after marriage. IF thats the case, don't marry. I needed someone to be blunt and honest with me when I didn't know how to do that for myself. I feel jealousy for others who have the loving marriage relationship I yearn for.
On top of that, I have felt so worthless. And depressed. I realize now, I have trauma from working with Julie. Because I invested SO much into my coaching with her, I felt like she didn't deliver, was too busy, and I feel rejected. I know in my mind that this is my story, not hers. I am left with 18k in debt, which now I feel humiliation and shame for. Creighton is super stressed, about them. I have been. I've gone in waves, where I felt the fgratitude and abundance. And other waves of discouragement, how will I make ends meet this month? Etc. I am feeling that now. And I realize that I really don't believe I have what it takes. I don't. I am still comparing myself to others. I'm tired of missing out of fun activities and I am deperately yearning for the beach and Hawaii.
Paying off my cards feels so out of reach. Filling my FZ certification class feels out of reach. It all feel close to impossible. And What am I even doing? Why am I doing it? I feel bored. I feel uninspired. And I feel inadequate in being able to deliver. I feel overburdened. And my heart feels sad and broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment