Pregnancy and marriage

Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time. It is supposed to be a time of hope. But when your marriage is constantly collapsing, how can it be? Right now, I have lost my hope. Lost my joy. This pregnanc has been really difficult in that my marriage has been is in a horrible spot. From Creighton's addictive tendencies and the emotional addiction cycle, and my rollercoaster of emotions, to not being able to trust him with intimacy. And him feeling extra emotional baggage because of that. Its a complete mess to be perfectly honest.

I don't even want to go to the Royalty in ROmance right now. I don't have hope. In this prgnancy, Creighton has said, he considered giving the baby up for adoption. Then today, he is scarred for the baby, and remembered it gets worse after having the baby. And doesn't even want to be a part of the birth. And I also have had feelings of not wanting him there. How can I trust him in this vulnerable time? I can't right now. One minute, he says he is giving me the benefit of the doubt. 15 minutes later, he he feeling resentment and hatred toward me. A bunch of BS if you ask me.

My heart is shattered. My soul is broken. And what would happen is I did die? Would he even care? I think it would be a relief for him if anything. I don't feel like I have a whole lot of people to talk to about my struggles and trials. People who really can understand and be there for me. And right now, I feel very alone.

How can be in a place to prepare for the birth of this baby with so much heart ache? Who can I trust? Who can I possibly talk to? This is what i feel like. My whole body is filled sadness. And all week long, I try to do my best to support and love my children, be patient with them, show them tenderness, and then with Creighton provide a good meal even though I am exhausted, keep the house managed and semi clean, show some affection (though I could show more). And on top of that grow a business. I am focusing on doing self-care for myself, though that is not fully successful yet.

I didn't realize this until recently during an energy healing session, I am holding onto so much emotion inside so I don't affect anyone else with it. Mostly my kids. THere comes a point where I feel so much emotion in my body, a lot that is not mine, and a lot that is mine, where is becomes hard to cope with anything else. And than I hit a combustion point where it all comes out at once and Creighton cannot handle it. He becomes defensive and resentful. And this is the reason I am trying to do so much self-care. So I can better process my emotions and keep myself in an optimistic place.

They say your mess is your message. Well here is my mess. I am overstressed and overwhelmed with the daily respoinisibilities of life, kids, adulting, marriage, and other responsibilities. And it feels hard to find the time to take care of me. And then I feel more overwhelmed because my kids and husbands needs do not stop. But my self-care has to. And my cup gets more and more empty. And feel more and more anger.

When you just look at my marriage, that is a whole different but linked side to this. I don't wish the type of marriage I have on anyone. It's hard. It's messy. And it hurts. There is a lack of trust, love, and respect. And to be perfectly honest, its on both side.

You really don't know what its like for others at home, until you live in their shoes. Have experienced their life. So when you are judging others, stop and think, maybe they are having major trials in their life.