So this week, we are attending Royalty in Romance. And the hope of this is to reset our relationship and get off to a better spot. Oh man, this was not the day I was hoping. I prayed for protection spiritually, for a miracle that we could do this event without conflict. And it came back to bite me in my heart. It seemed like it should have been such a small thing. I am not upset at myself, a little with Creighton and I feel so sad for him because its like he is so set on his emotionally charged mindset.
Everything we learned was about mindset, perceptions, forgiveness, becoming a better you, working together, how to have tough conversations, creating new stories- and its like nothing got absorbed into his head. He went right back to they way he feels is the weay he feels, and when I clarify, I am somehow telling he is wrong. He got so hurt, and assumed so many negative things about me when I was being open and respectful. I told him, "this is hurting my feelings". And his only response what he was hurting too. I did my best. I did cry because it broke me heart. And he took that as people judging him, him being a stupid husband, and everytthing else he thought. He walked away from me when I was crying. He didn't try to comfort me in any way even though I tred reassuring him that I DID want to spend lunch with him. He was so stuck in his blocked mindset, he was unable to see any other way. I couldn't find him and he had my phone. So I went to one of the building, sat in a quiet and worked on my own mindset, which is the best thing I could have done.
I talked my self into remebering that my value doesn't change by the way he sees me or thinks about me. I am worthy of love and acceptance. I am not responsible for his emotions and how he manages them. It did help. I went back more composed and he wouldn't even look at me. He is holding to so many neg thoughts and emotions with me. It was made into a huge thing, but it was small. It didn't need to happen like that. But it takes 2 people who are willing not asssume and adjust their mindset. I can't do it alone to create success in this marriage.
THe other thing that he is not even thinking about- he has told be a few times that he wasn't sure about goingm one time to cancel the babysitter, and yet I put all this effort into making this happen. I got babysitting arranged. I went grocery shopping and packed healthy snacks and a lunch. I woke up, got the kids food. I've done a lot that went unrecognized.
How can he only think about the way he feels? And he say he "cares about how i feel". Yet, he showed no compassion or concern. Some sarcasm, which was also talked about. He keeps going back and forth from over the top stress to 'trying" to be positive. It's hard to keep hope for the summer when he is stresssed no matter what his life situation is. Working, not working, getting a 2nd job, taking the test. I know this is stressful. But I don't believe it impossible.
Mostly, I feel sad and unloved. I feel sad because he did not once take what I said and have compassion on me. He did not once comfort me. He did not once, let down his pride to possibly see a different way. I feel like he doesn't think about me being pregnant, needing rest, bring me flowers, or see all the work I do because he is always in stress mode. I just feel sadness in my eyes. Perhaps a miracle will happen, but for now, I am just responsible for my own happiness. Not his. He has to choose that.
There was a breakthrough. I can confidently say that crying is not bad. Its 100% okay that I needed to cry. Its a way of expression and releasing. And its healthy. I love myself even with my emotions. I can love myself if I am happy, sad, heart broken, alone. I can still feel that emotion and accept myself as I am. I am worthy of kindness, forgiveness, love, respect, understanding, and all the things I want in a marriage. I can't stay up too late. I am exhausted. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
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