Last weekend from sat night to Monday was hell. Literal hell. Internal hell. Marriage hell. Intimacy, sex etc. there is so much trauma around it. I went into marriage so pure minded and innocent knowing nothing. But the communication I would say is the biggest issue of all. Lack of skills on both parts and lack of self control. And repressed emotion. Big triggers. I really wish that when I was crying to my mom when we were dating over 14 years ago that she would have told me, “he’s not good for you”. You need to let this one go. There’s better men for you.” She wasn’t that bold and still to this day isn’t. My mom is wonderful. But she’s not bold. I needed bold. I desperately needed that. And little did I know that my concerns and worries were my answer when I prayed and sought guidance.
Here I am nearing my 14th wedding anniversary which is something I dread. I rarely feel joy or excitement when this day comes. What am I truly celebrating? Because it’s not what I’m experiencing now. The highs are rare and the lows are frequent. The low lows are common. Other times it’s neutral and I’m grateful for those moments. Where there is no conflict.
Here’s what I’m learning. Creighton gaslights. He’s not narcissistic. But he does gaslight. He lacks true empathy. Turns stories around making me feel like how I remember that are distorted. He doesn’t share his feelings. He vomits toxic repressed emotions. Today I would say should be minor but the trauma response in ne feels very big! He came home after working hard for 2 days straight. Wanted to cuddle and connect and kiss me. I’ve been with the kids for days doing it all in my own, trying to be productive getting necessary things done. I’m constantly checking and refining the budget. And I’m advertising for the adventurous soul experience. And I’m planning my fall schedules for work and the kids -!: cooking meals, and keeping up with cleaning. He mentioned how he stayed home and cleaned but you know what, so have I! For every moment he’s been gone. Did I cuddle? Yes. Was I in the mood? No. Did I make an effort? Yes. He wanted to cuddle again. So I did. But things were in my mind. And I’m exhausted and my eyes hurt. So he suggested I get things done so I did. He went to take river to the store. And I will admit I got triggered on the phone when he asked if we could get lily a present. Put it in the budget I said…. I felt so irritated he doesn’t know how to use the app. I felt irritated I tried setting a buffet with him so many times with it ending with he leant make enough and gets emotional. And I was overstimulated with the baby crying, helping iris on the piano. I was ungrounded. I did apologize. He says he’s “over it”. I went into the car and felt myself Crumbling. I think all the build up form the past few days. Holding it together to be the good mom my kids deserve.
When he came to the car because I knew I’d miss the class, and I parked. He was sharing how he felt.., but 90% of it was about me. Maybe 85%. I’m crying at this point. I feel so broken. There was so much negative emotion towards me it felt like. And when I said how I felt- be dismissed it. Downgraded it. Showed no empathy. He doesn’t share feelings unless it’s starts pouring out of the can uncontrollably. So I think that is what gaslighting feels like. It makes me doubt myself. Question myself. And I feel so belittled. I mean, I just took really good care of your 5 kids for 3 days while you were gone. On top of making good meals and helping with school work and getting to TV r bu stop.
He wasnt kind or empathetic. If someone tells me they feel lonely, and need a hug, I can do that. But I can’t connect feeling belittled. I distance myself. And he is so black and white. I will tell from an early age bot to marry a man who has a a struggle with porn. The pain it causes is not worth it. Creighton has a problem. And he doesn’t admit it. That’s why he always goes back to it, even if it’s every few months. He keeps talking to me in way that feels bitter and blaming; and I jus my don’t know. I don’t know how much longer I can stay. I don’t money or a sustainable job.
I do feel trapped. I don’t feel safe in my home when he’s here. I felt unsafe early this evening, which is why I was in the car. And I stayed in the car after I got home. I’m proud of myself for leaving tonight. One thing I hate though. That school is on session. It means I can’t go escape to my parents house with the kids. Being totally honest, I should I left in Sunday. I would be there and he could what it’s like to really be lonely. He is also sabotaging our marriage and connection. He is not a man of god. And I cannot honor who he is right now. I seek to respect him in how I treat him. But I don’t respect him for the quality of person he is of that makes sense. Some men, you just know- that’s a good man. I’m tired and I’m hurting.
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