THese posts are becoming less frequent, so maybe thats a good thing. But there's certain things that really get to me. That is judgment on my character and disresepect. Thats not to say that I don't have my fair share of judgment and disrespect. In fact, I know I do. I am far from perfect and I know my patterns. And they are patterns I am working on overcoming. But alas, another moment where Big large emotions eat up all the love out of my heart. Its more than big emotions. I am filled with rage, hurt, anger, and frustration. I feel bitterness and hatred. Honestly, it was such a small thing that triggered something big. But is it a small thing? Pride and anger are causing me to put up walls.
Creighton sold his truck in November. February he is wanting to buy a a truck for 15K. Then, he almost bought a damn motorcycle for 20K. Then he ended up buying a borken truck on March 12th. All the while wanting to "pay off debt". Our goal to "pay off debt. Then he adds 11k of debt with a $2500 downpayment which impacted the money in his business, impacting personal finaces, and then my business finances. And then we found out it had 4+ leaks with an estimated $8000 in labor for repairs. Plus the $1000 to register the car. Add on the $260/month payment and $150 for insurance a month. I mean, I am not trying to do little jabs with this truck, But it was such a stupid decision. And it impacts everything. Paying off debt, getting our yard done. $12000+ I didn't want to spend. And i ahve so mjuch frustration with that alone, that now its hard for me to stay in the neutral with it. I was neutral and encouraging and staying in good faith for so long. And now I just can't.
What is so triggering? He wanted to share his goals- paying off debt.. okay. and then earning as much as he can to buy a 20k motorcycle. Damn. really? I just don't feel like he's got his priorities straight. He was grumpy the minute we got home and I was just so tired. I needed to rest. So I slept for an hour. And then he blamed his grumpiness for me sleeping while he did yard work. Like hello! Do you not realize that I took the kfor the last day day and a half where you got to do whatever the hell you wanted and you slept in till 11:15. Which I was FINE with. I was glad you got sleep in and get extra rest. for reals. But you get irritated that I needed a nap. And you want me to respond they way you want, yet you say its okay for me have emotions. YOu make no sense. YOu go from have big goals to no goals. Wanting to be a team. yet blaming me for stupid stuff. You want me to say, Go forit! Lets see what happens... thats where this truck got us.
I told him He wasnt my friend. TO come down and finish a conversation like a man.. whatever that means. Before that, I was in my car taking space because I was so close to exploding and saying things I would regret. I didn't want to to do that, even though I did a little after I came into the house. I had a conversation with God. God reminded me that a bad person does not have good intentions. I told him I know he is gods son but i didn't see him that way and i didn't feel like I could. GOd remindedme he is and that he is struggling too. "But i don't think I can love him the way you want.." It was then that the suggestion came that maybe I should start the separation but it wouldn't necessarily be the best thing. Because he deserves to be loved. I don't know. I only came in because the baby needed me and Creighton told me he wasn't going to talk to me. But he did. And of course it got worse.
You humbly said before, that you learned that you were going to trust me more.. but thats BS. It seemed like you actually learned something. But I don't think its a big enough lesson.
I don't know if this is PP emotional ups and downs, hormone shifts, or just patterns from before. Perhaps a combo of all 3. Or am I crazy? I honestly don't know. I don't what's "normal". I don't like swearing. But i swear a lot in mymind and heart in these moments.
IN the end, all he did was share his financial goals. Its on me that I got triggered. and angry.
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