I don't know if I believe it anymore. Even when my children are around, healthy and loving me. Even when Creighton is doin his best. Maybe I am just weak and broken. I feel defeated. I feel depressed and low. I don't have the Christmas spirit with me. Last week broke me in a very big way. I am slowly rebuilding myself. But it is slow. The emptiness I feel inside is excruciating. I feel as though all happiness and joy has been sucked out of me.
I feel like I am limited on all planes. Time. Money. opportunity. relationships. I feel stopped on every corner. I met Darla Day today. Again, I saw opportunity. But what stops me? money. again. Am I willing to do what it takes to reach my dreams and my desires. The reality of them feel so far away. the hurt within me is so deep.
When the deputy, cops, and social services came to my home last week, it was a shock. It was humiliating. It was relieving, and at the same time I didn't want to talk to them. Like, someone was actually there to help me, and I rejected it. And at the same time, I felt intense fear with the possibility of losing the ability to take care of my son, legally. That brought the mama bear out- you cant tell me That I am a danger to my baby. my baby who I invested thousands of dollars, shared his light. He brought me light. For now, I am allowing myself to feel all these hard feelings. No judgment, just awareness. I know I am playing small.
What I'll do here is just list what I want:
More than any material thing, I want to feel motivated, confident, and decisive
I want to be true to myself
I want to be at peace and be present in the moment
I want to feel God's peace
I want to feel whole again, but when I felt whole?
The moments i have felt whole are when I teach fitness, foot zone, when i watch my kids perform, cuddle with my kids, when I do aerials.
When I am with my sisters, but even with them what I say is filtered. I'm still honest and me, but its filtered.
When do I feel the yuck or overwhelmed?]
When I am I strapped for time
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