Suicide

 In mid August, i started muscle activation with a chiropractor at Eric's office. I can't say I felt totally right about the decision to work with him, but I do know that it helped, not necessarily all the way to total healing with my wrist and hand, but it did help with getting muscles working that were not working before. 

I had several appointments, and I remember being very talkative at the beginning, and he was a good listener. But didn't converse a lot with me. He also reminded me to breathe and gaveme other incites that I felt were iportant. I would often say - *This is preparingme for birth* because the pain of the tight areas would be so incedibly intense. And I had to focus on just breathing. I recognized that by working with him, where I unconsciously help tension. Or I would focus on beathing out the tension. 

I had a rough go with Lily one of the weeks. And he said something that was profound,  about where she was coming from I beleive. I can't remember the details of it. It was one of those moments I was trying to be firm but loving. 

He understood the huge benefit of giving birth at home and tuned into baby with certain adjustments, which I appreciated. 

I asked him about his story, what brought him to where he was today. About his kids. What I got was that he had 4 kids. He had a wife (fiance), and I had a feeling he was divorced. He didn't really share much detail. He asked me, why I wanted to know? And I mentioned I liked to hear peoples stories. But he was very much a closed book as far as sharing any details about his life. I felt like he was a very mysterious man, attractive, well dressed, organized, hair slick and well manicured. He was slim and fit, and seemed very collected, though I somehow knew there was pain behind his cool demeaner. He was kind, and brought some new awarenesses to me. But closed. One of the awarenesses, was focusing on what felt good on my wrist instead of what movements caused it pain. 

My last appointment I was feeling discouraged because me wrist just wasn't healing where I felt like it should and I felt at a loss. He focused on the front neck muscles, or the latisamuss dorsi. 

I just got back from a trip on Tuesday, so 2 days ago. And on my way to the airport, I got a text saying that Dr. Joseph Levie had unexpectly passed away. I mean, he was young and seemingly healthy and fit. It was a shock. How can I really process that? One day he is here, and the next day he was gone. I saw him only a week ago. I imagined that maybe it was just something that happened, like a car accident or died in his sleep or something. It feels like a void in the world, like someone is supposed to be here but they arent.  

I talked to Dr. McIntire today, and found out it was due to suicide. I don't know how. It was on Monday the 16th. But Eric told me that only a couple weeks ago, Joseph told him how he felt so much pressure, and his ex-wife was making it difficult to see his kids and the lawyer fees were very high and he didn't have control over his finances. No wonder he felt so much pain. I felt a pain of not being able to be with my kids while I was in CA- and Felt anxious to get back. Now I see that he didn't share about his life, because it was so much pain he wasn't able to process on his own. It would have been too much at that moment. He also experienced skitsophrenia, and was paranoid about the government investigating him. So something happened over the weekend where it was just all too much, and the pain was too high, that he felt like dying was much easier than living. 

This is the first experience for me where someone I knew, no closely, but very recently lost their life due to suicide. And I feel so sad about it. How much is he going to miss out of because of it? You don'tknow what someone is experiencing. You really don't. When someone passes, it does leave a void, and yet life has to keep going. His obituary reveals how much he loved his kids, where I can then see how hard it would be to just not be able to see his kids. I still don't know what to think or how to process the emptiness of his office. 

I remember last month when I had my episode where I wanted to die. I was in so much emotional turmoil, and the feelings I had were so low, and that not being here alive seemed easier than having to exist in the struggle. I wanted to die. And I was not myself. I felt like I was overtaken by entities- and bad ones. It took a lot of kindness and people reaching out to me to help me through that. And I get feeling alone in that. So I can imagine him feeling so alone in this, that he really did take his life. He didn't show up at workon Monday, which wasnt like him, and thats the day he passed on. 

I was only a patient of his, I can't imagine the pain Naira must be feeling, and her daughter, or the pain and heartache his kids must be experiencing, or the regret his ex-wife may be feeling for causing so much diffifculty with seeing his own children.