April 26th 2023

 Welp, I guess its time for an update. Its been almost 3months, which I guess is a good sign because i typically write pretty big or deep things here. Since the van thing,  I started having my energy back. I focued on getting enough vit B and Vit D. I found some passion and drive again. Things still weren't perfect between me and creighton. There were still tough moments. He's ben makng more money, which is good. Things with Lily has been a little bit rough. I mean, she's nine. I don't remember having as much attitude as she has. And stubborness.  But I have mykids playing sofball and that makes for a busy schedule too. MOndays, Tuesday, Wednesdays and Fridays... Thatsmy softball schedule week... Its a lot. my kids have been extra tired because of it. But my hopeis that they gain friendships, and skills, and confidence. and good life lessons. 

I suddenly hit a slump again. Like a big one. My heart felt numb, and almost anything could not bring it joy. my head felt cloudy and my connection with the divine felt cutoff. Any prayer felt like I was talkng to a rick wall with no response. I honestly don't know what I believe anymore. If I did know... I believe in JC, a light side and a dark side. I do beleive in HF and HM. But often it feels like a concept. I have ancestors who have so much faith and my faith is wavering. My digestion was off, feeling nauseous often. My appetite was not there, and I'd make a good meal and it wouldn't look good and I oculd hardly eat it. Andrea asked, are pregnant? that is most peoples responses when I tell them... and of course I didn't see it being a possibility. Its so little I do it anyway, sex is quite emotionally triggering for me. I have severe trauma responses to it that I need therapy for. I was at my foot zone class, and my student JaNae asked if I was, and I saidI wasn't.  I had a session with Jaqueline who does angel readings, its not what you think. And There were demons who needed to be cast out. They were really tearing down on me. Weighing down my heart and mind,pushing feelings of inadequacy, and lack of passion or purpose. And locking me from feeling inspiration. Almost any inpsiration.  From that session, I felt lighter, and my digestion has improved signiificantly. 

On monday, I felt very weepy and started feeling sick. I bought a pregnancy test at Solbergs in Stansbury park. Took it about 5 AM. And guess what it read?? You Guessed it. a line where the line means pregnant. And it wasn't light. It was bright and obvious. SO that means, baby #5 is on its way. And I was not ready. So here goes the rollercoaster of emotions the next year of my life, and now I understand why everything felt so darn out of alignment! Its not that I won't love the baby.  Creighton and I have felt another little spirit around, where we counted to 4 and one was missing. Creighton has been mentioning it, and I've resisted. River will be 4 this summer. The timing is not what I wanted. But the Lord's timing is always what we want. :Thy will be done. Even that I have questions on though. 

I had a breakthorugh sessions with Julie today and waht came up was "not enough" And that beleive has been driving me throught life. trying to prove it one way or the other.  Completing trainings, investing, and man has the debt from 2021 really kicked me in the butt! Even while I've doubled my income, I sure didn't feel it! Nothing I made came to me. It all went back out to pay for the credit cards, which I'll never use again when I can't pay for something. I've learned great life lessons from this. I've got 16k left. I paid for nearly all of it thuoght! The interest is whats kicked my rear mercilessly with demons poking at me for it. 

From todays session, I put together the statement, "I am a warrior of truth, full of beauty (to remind myself that I too am beautiful), and I consisently SEE my value". And I'm adding in, I invest with abundance, I speak with abundance. I learn from abundance. 

Julie said some statements I needed to hear. One is that It needs to be in alignment, and you need to have the money in hand- so many coaches are preaching to invest, invest invest... if I go after that shiny object then I am repeating the cycle, including Laurels program. We also have to be smart. She mentioned all the people who got there didn't go into debt to get there. ut that was we the new coaches are told. Now, I'm shifting my thinking from wanting to speak at julies event, to letting it go because when I speak, I want to speak from abundance. Like I have the money in hand and available and I can commit with peace and fully. And be thinking, will this increase my profitablility? I am a business owner first, and friend second ( for the business). First, I am playing the role of a young mother with young kids. My health comes first, then my kids and family, then my business and God surrounds all of it. So I'll make the Jar God in the anaolgy. She also said that people say yes with the emotions response. That's not always accurate. Never again will I invest 20k that I don't have, Starting now I have a new pattern. My heart still says YES to laruels program! So I'm looking at the messages behind it, because I don't want to do it just for the "shiny object". But lets be real, that is waht the chicks are, shiny objects. And I don't want her program to be good enough. I wanted it personally for me to enjoy. BEcause I love the knowledge of it.  But I still want to do iut out of abundance because I can. I am going to chat with er, because maybe she'll say yea don't do it because youre pregnant. We'll see. I want to try  and make money doing it. SO I'm looking for a 10k grant on top of the grant that reimnburses me. THat;s waht I"m putting into the universe.