Journal starting August 201

8/9/21

We went on a hike up at Bell’s Canyon. It was one of those days where I was feeling “off”. I had left over emotions of anger and frustration, and I missed yoga. And I went to bed late the night before. We went to the path on the left side, which was the steeper path. I don’t know how long it is, maybe a half mile or so. But I felt exhausted. I didn’t feel like I had the energy to make it up. I was with the younger 2 of my kids, River age 2 and Juniper age 4. Juniper was having a hard time walking and keep up and we got further and further behind. Eventually, I put her on my shoulders and muscled through the tiredness. It was either go extra slow or Put her on my shoulders. We had out dog, Rusty with us. He loved it up there. All the new smells, open space, being able to run free. Lily, my almost 8 year old was extra positive going up, saying how when we are tough, we can make it up. I felt this weird urge to reject water, even though I think I needed it. We finally got to the shaded part of the path which lead to the “secret cave” as daddy calls it. He also took the backpack from me. Its amazing how walking in shade compared to open heat in the sun is such a different experience. Lily was so scarred in the cave. This cave is about 5 ½ feet high and goes in about 25-25 feet deep. “I’m scared!” which lead to 2 other “I’m scared” from Junie and River. They wouldn’t leave my side.

I felt some emotional relief and more energy coming back. I helped Junie down a  big slippery hill made up of dry dirt and small rocks. I felt nervous going down it myself. Some of the time River wanted to walk and other moments he wanted me to “hold you”, meaning hold him. We walked along the creek, which was dried on a good portion of the path back. It was beautiful with the small pine trees and maple trees around the area, with random big boulders.

Stories:

Bridle falls- I almost didn’t climb to the top

The extra 4 miles

8/10

Today was our last official day at church in our current ward. My heart feels sad. Its hard to be excited when it feels like I am losing so much. It feels bitter sweet. I have loved our ward. We have had the best primary teachers by far. They have gone above and beyond for these kids, even during covid and lockdown. Iris’s teacher came every few weeks and Lily’s teacher came by every week with papers. As I looked around the chapel, seeing Laurel’s family, Teddy’s family, and the many others who I may not be extremely close to, they have loved us and loved my children. Even the nursery leaders are wonderful and so good. They have seen my kids age and mature and I am truly sad to leave. I am very sad to leave this neighborhood, not be close to the fitness center and Rachel. Where I am going is unknown. The people who I am sure are wonderful, are unknown. And naturally with the unknown, the unknown can be scary. I don’t know what is there for me in Lake point.

Also, we cut River’s hair today. And maybe it’s the raw-ness of moving in a week, but that feels like a loss too. We buzzed it and I guess I wasn’t quite ready for that. I know hair grows back, but Cutting his hair pulled at my heart strings. And he just looks so different without all his babyhair.

And as small as it really is, Creighton laying down and looking at his phone every moment something isn’t happening has been triggering. I don’t want to micromanage him or my kids.

Today at the park, Lily was thirsty. I did not bring water and the girls all rode their bike while I took the River in the stroller. River had a bag of frozen breastmilk and ate it kind of like a popsicle. When it melted, he would sip the milk. He is so cute. With Lily, there was a lesson to be learned. I didn’t have water. And Rachel offered her water to Lily. Lily didn’t want it because she didn’t want to share germs. She is almost 8 years old btw. But she kept asking me for water. I told her she could go get Rachel’s water bottle and how to drink it “without” sharing germs, by taking the lid off. She lowered her chin  down and hunched over as she stumbled to the stroller, till she got about 2 steps away and then walked back to me saying “she didn’t want germs”. I told her that it would be better to drink the water than be thirsty. She tugged at my more. I emotionally disconnected to let her feel what she wanted to feel and then walked with her to the water and had her pick it up. The excuse is that it was “stuck”. I loosened it, pulled it down and insisted that she drink the water and to listen to what her body needed. Then River, Iris, and Junie had some and Lily got more discouraged with that. Said she wanted to go home to drink water and she wanted to go home “now”. She went home a little early with daddy. But sometimes we do this to ourselves and deny ourselves what we really need and want because it wasn’t in the way that we wanted.

At night, river loves to give “nice hugs” and then gives generous kisses on the lips. He is 2 years old and very loving, but also very boy. He loves cars and trucks and trains and legos.

8/10/21

Yesterday,  I had the brilliant idea of asking Isabelle Rachel’s daughter to come and help me clean. She was so excited. She kept saying, “I can actually see a door… a wall etc. some of the time I just asked her what she wanted to clean and we went for it. It’s was so nice having her help. 

Then Rachel’s daughter Savannah came and babysat while we went to close on the house. I almost wish I did not agree to go out to eat because there was $12 in the bank today. We ran into a hiccup  that I don’t want to totally get into. Neutral basically I needed to wire the full $104.500 and they would reimburse me what I already paid. I was only planning on $98,000. So in had to ask my mom to wire me $3500 today so I could wire the whole amount without making it more complicated. It went smoothly and the sale got recorded a d the loan was funded but wow. I have never spent over $100k at once time like i did today. I prayed a little in the car about how I could pay off all of our debts and get a place to rent and become totally debt free and still have money left over. But the spirit said, no you need to do this. You will get your family out of debt in the next 5 years. For whatever reason, it’s fine that we’re in debt and I need to how to grow a business. 

But here is the other thing- I feel tired of trying to grow my business. Parts of me just want to stop. To focus on the things I enjoy personally and explore that. I enjoy energy work a d foot song and I am good at it. I don’t want it to be my only focus. I want to create my dream life and I don’t know how to create it. I want to ease back and let my kids experience life and stop being so busy all the time. Then maybe I could emotionally Handle home schooling. 

I am also just overwhelmed with my house and how messy it is and how to get it ready to move. I get caught with creating memories and doing what needs to get done. Which I have a deadline. Also, our routines aren’t working. If we don’t change them up, the next house will be just as messy. I have woken up multiple times tonight- it’s 4:20 am and I decided to write out my feelings to help me sleep. 

Which being totally honest, I feel numb about the new house.  It super exited but the pressure of getting this house ready to go got Jake. And sadness with going to a new community and not having a bigger yard, and being surrounded by construction . I don’t know what his has in store for me. 

And I feel angry about Freedom’s being threatened again all in the name of delta variance. They are wanting to mask out kids again and trying to find ways to mandate this and it’s not okay. And about how people are being required to  get vaccinated to go to work. Creighton has been worried about it. And it’s becoming a real thing. I’m going to fight this. This is not okay.  I think it’s good to have this recorded because a lot of people feel the same way. And too many are not standing up. I haven’t been. Not really.  But I will fit my kids and my husband if it comes down to the vaccine and my 6 and almost 8 year old being masked again. I won’t send the to school in a mask. And I heard Satan just say, “are you sure?” So now I’m going to cast out. Which I did and I prayed for freedom s to be protected . I pleaded and asked that satans work be thwarted the next / months regarding this. 

So many emotions are on my heart it what I’m realizing. 

8/20/21

So we officially moved on Saturday the 14th. The Thursday before, my friends came and helped me pack up boxes. It was Kat Keddington abs Rachel Hendrickson. They brought such a beaut fun spirit to my hone and I am just so grateful. They helped me clean out 2 rooms. It took the isolation out of decluttering and moving. Because when you do it alone, it feels isolating at times. 

It was difficult packing and moving with the kids. These moments are precious with my kids and it was also precious time to enjoy my kearns neighborhood. I have so much love for the kearns area and the people I met there. I love how kind bishop Larsen is to my kids. And the fitness center feels like a home to me in some ways. Kay and the other woke in the child care have also been amazing for my kids.  Honestly, something that kept me going to the gym was so my kids could play and get energy out with my other kids. 

On Friday evening, I stayed up quite late finishing up last minute packing because I didn’t want to leave it to get done in the morning. Creighton was stressed, so we had the kids go to my parents house so we could move easier. But my mama heart sank because it also meant my kids missing a birthday party. I was packing the Bathroom supplies and organized it quite well. 

Saturday the 14th, we packed up the truck. We had 4 missionaries come to help, brother Larson from across the street, and brother Tyler. And Rachel and her family came a little later. I don’t have the words to adequately express how I felt at the moment. Because I had gone through sadness and sorrow with the upcoming change and at this point, I just needed to move to the next step. Like- let’s get this Done. But I was super tired. Little interesting by fact: I went to Walmart to get water bottles and they were walnuts completely out. I could only find a couple packs of the mini water bottles. Utah has been in a drought but this feels a little like the apocalypse. 

I ran a red light in the way to the new house. That is house tired I was. People had to be very patient with me with how tired I was. I had many brainless moments. 

We had great help at the new house. Brooke and her husband came to help, Jason, and TJ. Even several of the kids were super helpful. I realized how much I underestimated what my kids could do. Rachel got lunch from costa Vida and Erin came and helped set up bedrooms. 

Erin and her kids helped me deep clean the new house. I cleaned from 5:00-10:00. They helped me get it done so much quicker so I wouldn’t have to do it on Sunday. We wiped cupboards, walls, baseboards. Mopped, vacuumed, painted chips in the wall and got crayon and marker off the wall. Isabelle came over with Finn while Rachel was at stake conference. They were helpful especially for their ages. But by 9, I was done abs I wanted everyone gone. I needed time to myself.  We also at the new house that night and it felt nice. We figured out what ward we needed to attend. Abs everyone was so kind and excited we were there. It was nice to feel welcome. 

This past week, I have done so much driving. Everything feels very far away. And I felt like I was hit by a truck with exhaustion. This week was actually very challenging. 

It rained a lot! Which I am grateful for because Utah needs th rain. But I have no grass and what that means is that every time my kids go outside, they get muddy. Every. Single. Time. And this is a brand new house. And every time e dog goes out, he gets muddy. And I felt I had put this pressure on myself to keep it perfect because it was a brand new house. I felt tired, overwhelmed, and had many bursts of anger. And all the driving to and from salt lake- I was so tired I couldn’t even bring my kids into one more store. But at home I couldn’t be relaxed because they would destroy the house. I’ve dabbled with what school I need to send my kids to. 

And it felt lonely being away from my friends in kearns. Rachel in her amazing ness came and visited and that helped. I actually really live my house. I love my kitchen and all the cabinet space. And how uncluttered it is with the huge island. Abs how open the upstairs is with the soft carpet. River and juniper have been in he same room and this turned out really well for both of them.