I went to Hawaii earlier this month. And it felt glorious. I participated in mediations, a cacao ceremony, spent time with women of all different backgrounds and found acceptance and peace, and love. I loved spending with them. Talking with them, adventuring with them, I saw Garren from BYUH. We hiked. I felt a bit awkwrd at times, but overall it was great. I felt respected and cared for.
I got home and felt some sadness about leaving the island, but felt a great reset. I needed that so desperately. I came home able to be me. my happy confident, motivated me. Creighton was so awesome to help take care of the kids. I really appreciate that. I also had a training this last weekend for the dolphon and i loved being my sisters. I felt more me. Some anxiety and scarcity, and still more me.
Being home, I still cannot handle the version Creighton that shuts down the minute life doesn't go his way. it does something to me and I can explain better than I used I think. It breaks me. He makes me feel like I am selfish for having goals and aspirations. Like I am not a good person. He shuts down and shuts me out. The loving supportiv husband I sometimes see is just gone. And I can't fix him nor do I want to. I can't take that job on. I know his job sucks. I know he doesn't like therapy, and I cannot fix that either. But he is choosing those career paths.
With the need t go on vacation, I get that. We all need it. But there is this weird energy with him- not one of fun and excitement, but this desperation to escape. "I have to go on vacation or i won't be okay. I am so determined to go on a vacation with the family so I can surf. I'm sure he has good intentions. But, it feels so constricting. It has to be this one way and there is no flexibility. Its an icky energy. And it eats me up. My gut is saying no! This isn't safe. I guess I just need to to trust my gut on this. And the way he said, so "you can do your thing.." Yes, I've committed to it. And he only sees his side. How do I communicate with a guy like him? He breaks me.
Other challenges come, and I feel like I can step over them, the side, through some of them, and its adds stressors, but him.. Its like he is a depressed lost soul in a giant body who can stomp on me and break my spirit without even trying. I hate it. I turn into someone who is in a constant struggle and become immediately dysregulated. I don't feel safe when he shuts down. I lose motivation. and my productivity goes down, I have a hard time going to sleep because the emotions and thoughts replay in my mind over and over again as I over analyze the situation. Wondering if its me and if I'm just going crazy, or if its mostly coming from Creighton. I don't know......
If I were to give this a surfing analogy, it would be the following:
I am paddling on the ocean, and lots a small waves come at me. sometimes pushing me back several feet. But i keep going. sometimes knocking me off the board, but I can get back on and eventually get over those white water waves. Creighton is the wave that hits me just the right way and breaks my board where I nothing left to get on. and I'm lost navigating the rough waves which all suddenly become harder.
Its a similar energy that Sarah puts off too. She is so stuck in her negativity, and need for control. I feel sad for her. not that she's single with no kids, but that she has limited herself so severely. With the food- i need to have control over the food so I don't lose control. Its like.. okay... suite yourself. She doesn't see the miracles that are literally right in front of her.
I think after writing this out, things are a bit more clear. This isn't about me. Yes, I allowed it to affect me. But creighton emotions and feelings are about him. and I've been doing my part as a loving supportive wife. I've been treating him, providing good nourishihng meals, helping with the kids, cleaning up, I'm doing my part. Ive even been intimate twice in the last week. And his brokeness is not rooting from me. I cannot be the one that fills those holes in. My job is to make me whole so I can show up that way that God wants me to. That means performing. and scheduling a Cali vacation right when school gets out. I won't let him impact me like this tomorrow. I am going to let him feel what he needs to feel and when he's ready, I will suggest or ask in a way that supports projectors.
But I still must be true to me. ANd I don't mean sacrifice and put my family aside. If anything, the experience with going to Hawaii and doing the training have taught me, I have shown way better for my family. 100% . I don't need to apologize for doing aerials. That is not selfish if i come home with energized to be present with my family. I want my family also to energize me and motivagte me. It is a combo of both. I feel more peace planning a CA vacation when school gets out. We can have more money set aside for it thats only 3 months away. But to not perform just to please him and fix his emotions or out of fear for how he'll respond is not an option. not today.
I'm glad I wrote this out. this helps to sort out the conflicting emotions from my heart, which weren't even all mine.
When I am at my best:
I want to be with my family
I am energized enough to make a good quality meal
I am emotionally availble for my kids, which is more patience and compassion
I
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