The trials of life

The trials of life are astounding, and can be oh so difficult. As of now, this is a private blog for me, myself, and I. A journal that I hope is safe. You see, my foundation, my happiness, my sense of my is lost. At least, I feel lost. I have concerns in my life that could be life changing, and that is very scary. It is so hard not knowing the future and what it will look like. There are so many what if's. What if I did take my time and separate for a time? What would happen? Would it help my relationship? Would it make it worse? What "hard parts" about my life are going to change and will those be equally as hard as what I am experiencing now?

I don't want a divorce. I don't want to separate from my husband. We have been married for nearly 8 years. And that is a long time, to me. We have brought into this world 3 beautiful little girls, who are wonderful, smart, very energetic, bouncy, and determined little girls . They are my world and I love them, even when they test my patience until I have no patience. And then I apologize, and tell them I love them and ask them to forgive me. And I love how my girls run to my husband and give him hugs and kisses. How Juniper has joined in, in say "buh bye dada" over and over again. It brings joy to my heart. I know my husband loves my girls. I know it. He cares for them and would do anything for them. What I don't know is how much he CARES for and LOVES me. I know that he does, but is it enough to give my girls the best gift, which is to love their mother.

I have been told I am strong, and I am amazing. But at this time in my life, I sure don't feel it. My mental health is struggling though depression, anger, resentment, and sometimes hatred. These mental thoughts do not coincide with my job as a foot zoner/ energy healer. Here I am supposed to be a light to others. Yet, I have been drowning in my struggles. I  have a 4 yo, 3 yo, and 1 yo. I have very little me time. I want to get back in touch with the person that is inside me, instead of drowning in my emotions and my husbands emotions.

Without going into detail, I am considering separating from my husband. I am going to go to the temple on Tuesday and pray about it. And if its the right thing, my gosh, then comes the scariest part of all.... GOING THROUGH WITH IT. Leaving Utah, going to my parents house, and just hoping that the best will come out of it. Or staying and working through it, when there is little hope for change. I do not only blame Creighton. I know I play a role in this relationship and where its at. We both do. And in some ways,  to be fully truthful, I am blaming my husband. I want a husband who does not see providing for a family as a burden, resenting the fact that he has to work to support our family. And that what it feels like right now. I did not realize this until today. I have felt the low vibration during these times. Also, I want a man who will listen to me and validate me instead of getting frustrated or angry. I want a marriage where we can discuss finances, see, and make decisions logically without the emotional stress  of "not having". These are only a few of the issues we are having. There is also the yelling at me and putting me down in front of my girls. I know he feels worthless, and down on himself. Pornography definitely contirbutes to those feelings in general. (I mean for whoever struggles with it. I know he feels unsupported and un appreciated.

I don't know what I am to do yet. I am looking foward to going to the temple, for I need help. And I need guidance.